(Pictured: The newest ride at Thai Disneyland)

I can’t believe I haven’t seen Ong Bak 2 yet, but I’m putting it on my Netflix queue today because after the jump I’ve got the trailer for Ong Bak 3.  I can’t see them out of sequence, the plot probably wouldn’t even make sense.  Anyway, the trailer contains much of what we’ve come to expect from Ong Bak, namely Tony Jaa elbowing people and doing stunts on an elephant.  And you know it’s a real elephant too, because this is Thailand, and they don’t stand for none of that prepackaged, American fake-elephant bullsh*t.   It’d be nice if we were still back in the good old days, before pansy actors and their Jew lawyers drove real elephants out of the business.  It’s an outrage, really makes you want to gore somebody.

Ong Bak 3: Because an elephant never forgets… TO KICK YOUR ASS!

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Here I was in the middle of writing a subtle, intensively-researched, impassioned piece about the health care crisis, when all of a sudden this new clip from Ong-Bak 2 shows up in my inbox.  As you can see, the scene is that the black knight from Monty Python and some guys in masks are having a knife-sex party up in a tree when Tony Jaa decides to interrupt… WITH FISTS!  AND KICKS!  AND KNEES AND ELBOWS AND BONE BREAKS TO THE CHEST PARTS!  Holy crap, nothing gets me fired up like new Tony Jaa clips.  In fact, I just headbutted my coffee mug and beat my roommate to death with his own cat.  Crap, I gotta go guys, I should call someone about this.

“THIS CHICK SEEMS FEISTY.”

Opens October 23rd in theaters, already available on OnDemand

(Tony Jaa attempts to call a “timeout” in the honeymoon suite)

I’m not really sure that Tony Jaa understands how to make love to a guy twice his girth size. In this recent clip from Ong Bak 2 you’ll get to watch Jaa attempting coitus on the Celtics’ point guard. I don’t mean to hate, but Tony’s sex game is worse than my uncle Eddie’s. See, Eddie does this thing where he doesn’t wait for your permission before he tries something new, he just kind of…you know…um… anyway, enjoy the clip:

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Between sizzle reels, featurettes, and various trailer cuts, I know I’ve already posted a lot of Ong Bak 2 stuff, but if you don’t still drop everything at the chance to see Tony Jaa knee people in the face and backflip off elephant tusks, I’m not sure we can be friends.  The film, supposedly sporting a tighter recut, will be premiering on On Demand September 25th and will get a limited theatrical run starting October 23rd.

Midway through filming, it was reported that Jaa, who handled directing duties for the first time in his career, had walked off the set in order to meditate in the jungle.  When he refused to come back and finish the film, the financial backers kidnapped his favorite elephant, Xing-Xing, whom Jaa had been given the sacred duty to protect by the shaman of his village.  “Now, let this rogue come to us,” said the studio head, stroking his pet iguana.  And that’s when Tony Jaa rode in on a cheetah and kicked everyone in the face.  His foes vanquished, Jaa turned to Xing-Xing and the cheetah.  “Now, friends, let us rejoice,” Jaa said, smiling, and they danced to the music of their ancestors.*

^{*Second half of story recreated from imagination}

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This trailer comes from Sahamongkolfilm, the people who brought us Chocolate, Ong Bak, and Raging Phoenix, so you know it’s going to be awesome. It’s called Power Kids, and it’s about a group of young muy thai experts who have to defend a hospital from terrorists in order to save their friend getting a heart transplant.  I want to marry that synopsis.  It also features poorly translated subtitles, my favorite.  Here are some of them:

Tony Jaa become an action star as a grown man. Jija Yanin become well known in her teens.  Now the world of martial arts…  Will engrave their names… At a very young age.   It’s time… for every heart… to unite… to fight the explosive battles with no regard for size.

So… which one of you ladies wants to fight an explosive battle with no regard for size?  (*points to crotch*) (*prematurely ejaculates*) (*cries*)
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