Mark Fergus and Hawk Ostby, who have writing credits on Children of Men (along with three other dudes), and Iron Man (along with two other dudes) — which, as we’ve learned, barely even had a script — have signed on to write the reboot of Tomb Raider.  The Hollywood Reporter adds that the project is being planned as an origin story, which is good, as I’m excited to delve into this richly fascinating mythology.  No really, ignore my dismissive wanks and fart sounds.

The company is today issuing a statement setting bold aspirations for the franchise, with the writers saying they want to create an “origin story for Lara Croft that solidifies her place alongside Ellen Ripley and Sarah Connor in the pantheon of great female action heroes.” [THR]

Ooh, but will this re-imagining be grittier?  Meanwhile, in something of a coup, FilmDrunk was able to obtain a copy of Lara Croft’s ACTUAL ORIGIN STORY!

INT. filthy apartment in Van Nuys.

VIDEO GAME DESIGNER 1
What if… we created an adventure story… where Indiana Jones was a girl?

VIDEO GAME DESIGNER 2
Can… she have huge tits?

“The Final Countdown” plays over coding montage.  Fin.

Angelina Jolie starred in two Tomb Raider movies in 2001 and 2003, and they both sucked, but when you’ve got a premise as inexhaustible as “a chick with big boobs shoots guns”, there’s no reason to quit after three to four hours of content.  And speaking of tomb raiders, how about this Al Davis? (*softshoes off stage, dodges wrench*)

In a pre-emptive strike, GK Films has come on board to acquire the feature film rights to Tomb Raider and will reboot the successful action-adventure franchise aiming for a 2013 release for the first film.
“We are very excited to be rebooting what is already a hugely successful film franchise and continuing the ‘Tomb Raider’ phenomenon,” said King. [ComingSoon]

Who’s this pre-emptive strike against, taste?  Oooh, we better snap this up before anyone starts thinking it’s a good idea.  Anyway, I hope they’re not planning to make another snoozy, PG-13 wiener tease. It’s 2011.  We’ve got sausage-sucking sexbots now, being suggestive doesn’t cut it.  So this time, instead of Lara Croft shooting two phallic pistols, maybe they could be ACTUAL PENISES.  Just imagine Lara Croft wielding a couple big, meaty, black schlongs.  “Oh, allo.  Oy’m Lara Croft, da Tomb Raidah.  Dat’s a wew veiny dong you’s got, guv.”

It’s a good idea, right?  I thought so.

[That's Alison Carroll in the pictures, btw]

I didn’t fully believe the story that they were rebooting the Tomb Raider franchise the first time I read it, but it’s refusing to go away.  STOP INVADING MY CONSCIOUSNESS, TOMB RAIDER REBOOT!  DON’T MAKE ME DRINK YOU AWAY LIKE MY FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY!

Producer Dan Lin stopped to chat with About.com about some of his upcoming projects, particularly the planned reboot of the “Lara Croft” series (popularly known as an adaptation of the “Tomb Raider” series of video games ['popularly known' because that's what they called the effing movies. -Ed.]). Lin describes the project as a “character-oriented… more realistic” origin story for the popular treasure seeker. He clarifies shortly after that, comparing what he intends to be “character-driven action” in the “Croft” reboot to what audiences saw in last weekend’s “Terminator Salvation.”

As fans of the video game series are already no doubt aware, Lara Croft has quite a well-developed backstory which has been introduced in the more recent games. I’m not going to be the guy who spoils it all [heaven forbid], but the last two releases in the series go into considerable details on Lara’s relationship with her parents and the circumstances which led her to owning Croft Manor. [MTV]

Well I certainly hope we can expect more of the same.  Because every time I see a stripper with huge tits dressed like Indiana Jones, my first question is, “No, really, Jade, tell me more about your relationship with your father.”

Jesus.  It wasn’t enough to make two unbearably mediocre Tomb Raider movies, now Warner wants to reboot the franchise, which was based on a video game that was never more than “Indiana Jones, but with big tits” to begin with.  I love tits as much as the next guy, but never has so much been squeezed out of so thin a concept.  Coming soon!  Pornstar Eating a Hot Dog: The Future Begins!

The new project is expected to revamp the character [with a new actress] and her mission and bear little resemblance to the original pictures. It will reimagine the origins of the character, her love interest and the main villain. [THR]

Well color me excited. A thousand bucks says the new version involves parkour.