We haven’t talked much about the Mad Max sequel, Fury Road, probably because we’ve been hearing rumors about it since 2007. At one point it was supposedly being developed as a 3D film in conjunction with a videogame, and was reported to have a $100 million budget. No word on the videogame thing, but all the other stuff seems to have been true. It stars pillow-lipped superstar Tom Hardy (who, to the production’s credit, was hired long before The Dark Knight Rises made him a household name), Charlize Theron, and Nicholas Hoult, and principal photography, under original Mad Max (and Happy Feet) director George Miller, wrapped Monday. The picture above (via AICN) is a gift Hardy gave the crew on the last day of shooting. A signed picture of yourself? Jeez, presumptuous much? Why not a used hanky? Anyway, Mad Max: Fury Road is scheduled to open in 2014, presumably after a long break to add vroom-vroom sounds.

Mad Max: Fury Road has completed principal photography after a six-month shoot in Namibia and South Africa.
It is the fourth film in the Mad Max series, which originally made Mel Gibson a star, and will attempt to revive the apocalyptic franchise after almost 30 years. Fury Road follows Mad Max (Tom Hardy), who is caught up with a group of people fleeing across the Wasteland in a war rig driven by Imperator Furiosa (Charlize Theron), according to a report by South Africa’s National Film & Video Foundation. [IF.au via ThePlaylist]

So, uh… is it cold in this future desert? Because he looks a little overdressed. Scarves to protect your delicate neck meat from a sun and sand burn seems a tad precious for a post-apocalyptic wasteland, but maybe it’s must me.

In any case, if “Fury Road” succeeds in reviving the franchise, they’re going to need new titles. Lots of them. No one uses simple numbers anymore. Luckily, I’ve got some suggestions:

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Vulture today dug up some old video of Dark Knight Rises actor Tom Hardy competing in a modeling contest on the British Show The Big Breakfast in 1998, when he was 20. I don’t think it’s spoiling too much to say that Tom Hardy won. It’s Tom Hardy. He’s so good looking, I’d honestly think it’s gayer not to kind of want to bang him. When Obama finally makes us gay marry each other, he’d be my first choice. Also, he’s in England, which is kind of like Yao Ming playing basketball with pygmies.

I mean get a load of his competition:

Michael The British Male Model

CANNOT. STOP. LAUGHING. Poor Michael, he never had a chance.

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As I noted at the top of my review, Bane’s voice in The Dark Knight Rises was remixed before the movie hit theaters in response to complaints from people who saw the early IMAX preview and couldn’t understand what the hell he was saying. Well now, if you missed the preview like I did, you can finally hear the side-by-side comparison of the original version and the re-re-remix.

In the original mix, Bane was impossible to understand in at least two of the lines. But in the remix, he’s so much louder than anything else that it felt like Christopher Nolan had done it out of spite. Bane sounded like the voice of God, or the movie’s narrator. In fact, I’d kind of like to see a new cut of the movie where it’s shot like The Wonder Years, where Bane explains that he was only acting weird because he had a crush on a girl, and actually wanted to be best friends with Batman but worried that he wasn’t cool enough. “Talia and I, we lost touch after that neutron bomb exploded. But wherever she is, I have a feeling she remembers that Batman summer like it was yesterday. I know I do.”

[StevenRichter via HollywoodElsewhere]

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Here is a home video of Tom Hardy, aka Bane in The Dark Knight Rises, rapping on the street whiOH MY GOD LOOK AT THAT BABY.

[clears throat]

I’m sorry. As I was saying, in this video, TDKR‘s Tom Hardy does a freestyle rap while carrying his son Louis in a babJESUS PETE THIS IS SO CUTE DO YOU EVEN SEE THE BABY’S FACE HOLY CRAP I’M JUST GOING TO DIE.

[mumbles "Damn it, DG. Pull it together. You can do this" to self, shakes head violently]

OK. Here we go. This is a video of Tom Hardy, who stars as Bane in the summer blockbuster The Dark Knight Rises, rapping on the street while carrying his son in what appears to bHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG THE BABY IS LOOKING AT THE CAMERA I REPEAT THE BABY IS LOOKING AT THE CAMERA.

Great. Now I’m pregnant.

via

"CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW, SMARTASS?"

“Oh, I’m sorry, is Bane’s voice too muffled? Too hard to understand? Fine, well now he’s God and he narrates directly into your cochlea. Are you happy now, you complaining pieces of sh*t?” – Christopher Nolan to fans, 2012.

Fanboys who whined about not being able to understand Bane’s voice following the release of the first IMAX trailer are probably sorry they ever spoke up, because Chris Nolan decided to crank it up to the point where it’s so much more prominent than everything else that every scene Bane’s in feels like he’s narrating a dream sequence. It might be cinema’s first ever case of spite editing. (This scene from Freddy Got Fingered comes to mind).

Anyway, I don’t say this as the first point in my review just to be funny, I say it because there’s a reason why Nolan fans treat his detractors like heretics who should be burned (like, literally, more than a few commenters suggested critics who gave TDKR a negative review should be burned, or die in some type of fire). It’s because Chris Nolan’s relationship to his audience is like that of a vengeful God. Enjoying The Dark Knight Rises requires putting messiah-like trust in Nolan that he’ll eventually reward us with paradise, as long as we don’t get too hung up on all the plot holes, technical issues, and leftover genre tropes that seem out of place in the ultra-serious movie reality that he creates; that if we just follow him through all the ridiculous twists and turns (virgin birth? really, bro?), we’re eventually going to reach some kind of catharsis. And the thing is… you do. I left the theater with a big smile on my face. But that doesn’t mean I don’t look back on half the plot points and think, “Wait, what the f*ck?”

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