For all the criticism that it has received, The Expendables was at the very least its own movie. But now MGM and Tom Cruise are going to borrow Sylvester Stallone’s already-borrowed formula of cramming the biggest action stars in the world into one mega-testosterone-explosion and dilute it with the current fad of remaking every good film of the last 50 years.

Up next for MGM and Cruise – The Magnificent Seven. The 1960 Western was the original Expendables, as it starred Steve McQueen, Yul Brynner, James Coburn, Charles Bronson, Eli Wallach, Robert Vaughn… damn, I’m getting musky and grizzled just thinking about it. And I’m sure that Cruise is going to put together the manliest macho group of men’s men that he can muster, because it would finally crush those rumorsssssss about him for good.

Since being resurrected from the purgatory of bankruptcy, studio MGM has been on a remaking tear, announcing updates and reboots of library titles “Carrie,” “RoboCop,” “War Games,” “Death Wish,” “Valley Girl,” “Poltergeist,” and “Red Dawn.” Remaking a beloved classic like “The Magnificent Seven” is thus not so much of a surprise, even if it is a daunting task considering the esteem with which people hold the original. Having a major movie star like Cruise aboard should, of course, allay most fears. (Via MSN)

Hold on – Valley Girl? Who the hell has been sitting around, pining for the re-telling of the 29-year old story of two California stereotypes falling in love? Well, other than Nic Cage. If we’re just going to remake every movie that someone in a conference room suddenly remembers, would it be too much to ask for a remake of Just One of the Guys starring Vanessa Hudgens? I don’t ask for much.

At the very least, I just hope Cruise’s new Magnificent Seven features my favorite GIF come to life…

Read the rest of this entry »

"Chill, babe. I gots this."

With Rotten Tomatoes scores currently throbbing at 97% (critics) and 98% (audience expectations), Marvel’s The Avengers is the perfect film to kick off the summer movie season this Friday. Sure, some people might argue that the summer movie season actually begins with Miley Cyrus’ LOL – also being released this Friday – but those people need to go back to singing “Achy Breaky Heart” at my nephew’s Bar Mitzvah, dammit.

Beyond The Avengers are some films that actually have us pretty excited about Hollywood’s collective IQ for once – but don’t you worry, there’s also plenty of crap coming out, too. Fortunately, this isn’t the end of the year, so I don’t have to focus on the crap just yet – I will still eventually see LOL because Vince loves watching my soul cripple – and we’re just examining the films that have the greatest potential to crash the box office this season, and put smiles back on the faces of the billionaires who only made hundreds of millions in 2011.

I’ve even taken the liberty of breaking the summer movies up into categories for your convenience (chronological list on the last page), and I am being assisted in presenting this guide by none other than Michael Bay’s pet tiger, Todd Brad.

Read the rest of this entry »

Here’s the latest trailer for Rock of Ages, starring Tom Cruise, Alec Baldwin, Russell Brand, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Julianne Hough, and the invisible grinning face of Satan. This warmed-over pile of stupid clichés and pandering is impressive only the sense that I think I actually barted when I saw it. That’s when you barf and fart at the same time.

Not even a baboon in a leather jacket could get me to see this.

Boy, what would attractive white kids do without wise black folks to give them advice but not hog any of their spotlight? I hope this movie gets cancer.

This is your shirt. This is your shirt on dogs.

I know I failed to get your comments of the week post up yesterday, but that’s the thing about Comments of the Week and periods, better late than never. And thanks to the ‘Drunkard who sent me this picture of your dog wearing a filmdrunk shirt. I can’t find your email to call you out by name, but you know who you are, and your dog looks very huggable. Okay, comments of the week, let’s get to it.

I chose the winner myself this week, because not enough people were voting. We nominate by copy and pasting in the comments thread of the most recent Comments of the Week post (i.e., this one). You can vote for the winner using the reply function. Also, one note on commenting: we’re trying to get the old, oldest-comments-on-top system back. At some point, you’ll be able to choose whether to view it oldest first like a traditional blog or newest on top, like a live thread. Anyway, that’s what’s happening. Here’s this week’s winner:

[From Indonesian actioner The Raid gets a new trailer, and a dumb new title]
Larry: If they really wanted buzz they’d change the title to “The Jakartist.”

So congratulations, Larry. Feel free to share your shirt with your brother Larry, and your other brother Larry. (Man that’s an old joke).

Before we get to the honorable mentions, I feel that we we owe a special shout out to an uninvited Google guest who seems to drop in on every old Tom Cruise-related post to defend ol’ midget space Jesus from our uncouth and unfounded “attacks.” I’m always fascinated by this phenomenon:

[From Ben Stiller has plans for Less Grossman movie (December, 2008)]
Sher: What a ridiculous post. Les Grossman was widely regarded as entertaining and funny. Tom Cruise did a brilliant job with his character and it added nicely to Tropic Thunder. If you think whoever found it funny was paid then you are the most pathetic, ignorant, and outright simple person that has written an article regarding this movie or character.

[From Mission Impossible 4 trailer]
Patty Boots: Tom is getting too old for this shit. Also, too creepy and too generally unlikable.
Also, tiny.

(reply) Sher: yet you read anything that even has his name in it. I am convinced you are absolutely mental.

Read the rest of this entry »

Baby don't hurt us.

While I sit here waiting for someone to finally give me the ultimate mashup of movie characters making fart noises, I suppose I can settle for today’s best effort of some of Hollywood’s hunkiest A-list male actors saying, “I love you.” There are also some people in this that have no business having ever been cast as a romantic lead *pauses screen, gives middle finger to Josh Radnor* but this post is all about what you ladies want today (or until the next post).

So why don’t you draw yourself a nice, hot bubble bath, pop a bottle of bubbly, strap on a blindfold, lay back and pretend like Matt Damon, George Clooney, Tom Cruise, Colin Firth, Ben Affleck, Shia LeBeouf, Brad Pitt, Zac Efron, Leo DiCaprio, Robert Pattinson, that guy from Scrubs and Paul Rudd are saying those awesome three little words to you. Also, while you’re blondfolded, I’m going to steal your TV.

Read the rest of this entry »