Baby don't hurt us.

While I sit here waiting for someone to finally give me the ultimate mashup of movie characters making fart noises, I suppose I can settle for today’s best effort of some of Hollywood’s hunkiest A-list male actors saying, “I love you.” There are also some people in this that have no business having ever been cast as a romantic lead *pauses screen, gives middle finger to Josh Radnor* but this post is all about what you ladies want today (or until the next post).

So why don’t you draw yourself a nice, hot bubble bath, pop a bottle of bubbly, strap on a blindfold, lay back and pretend like Matt Damon, George Clooney, Tom Cruise, Colin Firth, Ben Affleck, Shia LeBeouf, Brad Pitt, Zac Efron, Leo DiCaprio, Robert Pattinson, that guy from Scrubs and Paul Rudd are saying those awesome three little words to you. Also, while you’re blondfolded, I’m going to steal your TV.

Read the rest of this entry »

I made this picture. There’s just something timeless about juxtaposing embarrassing paparazzi candids with the ridiculously-stylized wallpapers foreigners make (is the idea here that Tom Cruise creates electricity, just like a wind farm? That is an amazing train of logic.).

Anyway, we’re here because Time Magazine created a supercut of Tom Cruise running. Yes, Time Magazine. They’re making supercuts now, apparently. This was sort of the obvious supercut that needed to be made, and I wondered why it hadn’t been, and then I remembered that it actually had. Gosh, this was a fun story, wasn’t it. In any case, it’s nice to see “Tom Cruise running a lot” updated for the 2011-almost-2012 crowd.

Read the rest of this entry »

Tom Cruise vs. The World’s Tallest Phallus

All my life I’d wanted to see Officially Not-Gay Parkour Master Tom Cruise swinging from a giant phallus, and now, thanks to Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol, I have! And in glorious IMAX! The plot could’ve used a little more, well… girth, to fully satisfy this lady (*pointing to myself*), but I admit with these wide hips I can be a bit of a size queen. Which is to say, it’s not the kind of story you’re going to remember anything about three seconds after you leave the theater, but as a framework to include every kind of shot you’d see on one of those vivid HD channels that electronic stores use to pimp the latest plasma screens, it’s brilliant. Russian cities! Shiny supercars (all BMW)! Towering skyscrapers! Bollywood parties! …Smooshed together mixed-race titties! If IMAX screens had a demo reel, this would be it. And Tom Cruise is a perfect fit. His blandly competent line readings just scream “movie actor!”

We catch up to Tom Cruise in a Russian prison, where his plucky gang of spy pals, including computer expert Simon Pegg and voluptuous Paula Patton (“Agent Honeypot,” I like to call her) is busting him out. They need his help to catch a terrorist! There’s a former Russian general who’s gone rogue, escaping his pen, goring three of his handlers and stealing the nuclear launch codes. He wants to launch Russian missiles at the United States in order to start World War III, so that, uh… the Earth can, uh… have a fresh start or some shit? You know, it wasn’t super clear on that point. But basically, it’s like War Games or Crimson Tide. If you’ve ever seen that South Park where the characters say stuff like “A secret government program… or maybe it was aliens… Who cares, f*ck you!” to move the plot past the exposition we’re all going to forgive anyway, it’s a lot like that. And rightly so.

Read the rest of this entry »

From the director of Hairspray…

Aw, crap. I don’t know if I–

Based on the hit Broadway musical…

Um, yeeeah, you know, this doesn’t exactly sound like my cup of t–

Starring Tom Cruise…

Waiter! Check please!

Read the rest of this entry »

Hold on to your tin foil hats and put some microscopic seatbelts on your thetans, because a new whistleblower is telling some tall tales about Tom Cruise and the church of Scientology. Valeska Paris claims that she was kept both as a prisoner and slave for 12 years by the church on its cruise ship, Freewinds, as part of the organization’s “Sea Org.” According to the Village Voice…

… she joined Scientology’s hardcore Sea Organization — signing its standard billion-year contract — at only 14 years of age. Three years later, after her stepfather committed suicide and her mother denounced Scientology on French television, Paris was ordered to “disconnect” from her family. She says that church leader David Miscavige then enforced that disconnection by having her put on the cruise ship, the Freewinds, that sails the Caribbean and caters to high-level church members.

Paris finally left in 2007 and first told her story to another Scientology defector last year, but this is the first time that she’s really speaking out publicly and sticking it to the controversial church. The Village Voice got a hold of her the other day for an interview, and not only does she spill the celestial beans on the crazy behind-the-scenes workings of Scientology, but she also points a crooked, glowing finger at Cruise.

Read the rest of this entry »