Toby Keith’s Beer for My Horses has a poster, and it’s scientifically engineered to appeal to dipshit rednecks everywhere (keep in mind I’m from the country myself).
- Water Tower? Check. The only surprise is it doesn’t say “Anytown, USA” on the side.
- All forms of redneck headwear represented. Trucker cap (even if it is sorta faggy and Asian looking), cowboy hat, and something silly for the silly guy to wear so you know he’s silly.
- Familiar-sounding-yet-nonsensical play on words tagline. Look, it doesn’t need to make sense, it just needs to sound like something you’ve heard before. Things that are new are scary.
- Speaking of which, of course you need your menacing-looking Mexican. Just look at him, he looks like he’s about to steal someone’s job. You can just imagine him sticking a gun up to somebody’s head going, “Okay, mang, ju better lemme landscape jour house. Y ju better payme less thang meeneemum wage. Or else.”
- Ted Nugent. He gives it street cred. He probably just ate something raw that he shot with a bow and arrow. What, he’s just a wild man, it’s not like he’s compensating for anything.
So that’s about all the analysis I can take for today. I think I speak for everyone here when I say that I hope Toby Keith dies in a fire.
See what I did there with the headline? I know, pretty clever, right?
After the jump I’ve got the full trailer for Beer for My Horses, co-written, produced, and starring Toby Keith. Keith plays a truck-drivin, wigger-batin’, small-town Deputy named… wait for it… Rack Rattlin, paired with an inept partner played by Rodney Carrington. Get it? It’s funny because it’s comfortably familiar!
Braindead dipshits like Toby Keith are nothing if not predictable, so the antagonists are naturally Mexicans. Go git ‘em, Toby, they took yer jobs! Of course, hijinks ensue and Toby makes sure to act real tough in the hopes that maybe people will forget his name’s Toby. I can’t wait!
Roadside Attractions has bought the world rights to Beer for My Horses, a movie written, produced, and starring Toby Keith. It’s a good thing they didn’t just buy domestic rights because the Glasgow football hooligans would surely shout incoherently and the Parisian beatniks would likely organize baguette riots if denied the chance to see such a film.
Directed by Michael Salomon, the road trip story tracks two local deputies who defy the sheriff to save a girlfriend from drug lord kidnappers. [Variety]
Why would the sheriff want to keep them from saving their girlfriend, I wonder. Could it be one of the deputies was kicked off the force for unauthorized facial hair and excessive man breasts? Since no one will ever see this movie, let’s go with yes. I think I liked this better when John Cena was in it.
If there are any terrorists reading this, I believe I have acquired a target for you to attack. The locations is the set of Beer for My Horses, a movie which Toby Keith is set to write, produce, and star. It is imperative that you not leave any survivors.
The title comes from Keith’s hit single, also features Rodney Carrington (also co-writer), Ted Nugent, Willie Nelson [we’ll need to give him advance warning before the attack], Claire Forlani, Barry Corbin and Tom Skerritt.
Keith and Carrington play small-town deputies who embark on a wacky road trip to rescue their girlfriends from comically evil drug lords. [Ed note: shouldn’t it be ‘sexy girlfriends’? Everything else has adjectives.]
Thankfully no distributor is on board yet. Just imagining who might want to watch such a movie was more depressing than ten paternity episodes of Maury and watching a puppy freeze to death.
Also: I don’t believe there’s ever been a worthwhile human being named ‘Toby’.
