(EATING SUSHI OFF NAKED CHIX: UR DOIN IT WRONG.)

Someone just sent me this picture of David Blaine, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Tobey Maguire, which is probably pretty old, but it was new to me. Even beyond featuring David Blaine, the full picture (this is just the top half) is pretty disturbing, and as soon as I saw it I really wished I hadn’t. I’m only sharing it with you guys because I needed to spread the pain around.  Be warned, the full picture is NSFW for Tobey Maguire peen — or possibly, and I really hope this is the case, peen Photoshopped onto Tobey Maguire’s body.  The full picture is here and Jesus why did you click that? Did you not hear what I just said about Tobey Maguire peen?  Oh Christ, there’s also Blaine balls.  Hey guys, I didn’t see you there at first.  I don’t know about you, but I always imagined Tobey Maguire’s scrotum to look more, I dunno… boyish and… youthful.  Cherubic, say.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go curl into the fetal position on the floor of an icy shower.  Not because of the picture, that’s just how I spend most afternoons.

UPDATE: Read the rest of this entry »

(The Bruce Campbell mammogram machine made preventative cancer check-ups fun and sexy.)

For the record, I hate giving superheroes cutesy nicknames like they’re my frat bros, but I gotta keep these headlines down to one line so there you go.  Anyway, Sam Raimi favorite and all-around awesome guy Bruce Campbell recently told Access Hollywood that he’ll have “a major part” in Spider-Man 4, which is set to start filming in January.  A fourth Spider-Man isn’t the best idea, but it’s hard to go wrong with more Bruce Campbell (who’s previously had cameos as a wrestling announcer, a waiter, and theater usher).  Bruce Campbell is like a cross between Robert Downey Jr. and Patrick Warburton, and I would f’ck both those guys.  Wait, what?  Who typed that?

No word yet on what role he might play, but might I suggest the obvious?  Bruce Campbell should play Bruce Campbell with an evil hand.  It would make it awesome and meta-fictional, like JCVD but less Belgian.  And with more webbing.

Read the rest of this entry »

The other day I posted the first trailer for Brothers, the Jake Gyllenhaal, Toby Maguiiire, and Naataaalie Portmaan love triangle movie. Now Cinematical has the poster.  “There are two sides… to every family.”  And then there’s a big split down the middle of the poster. To reflect how their family has been split apart by war, you see.  And NPort gives Eskimo kisses to Tobey’s shoulder.  It’s like he was away so long she forgot where his cock is. But Jake didn’t.  He knows, and it’s tearing him up inside.

Brothers is a Jim Sheridan-directed remake of the 2004 Danish film Brødre.  It stars Jake Gyllenhaal as a hot dude whose brother Tobey Maguire is presumed dead after a tour in Afghanistan.  He comforts his dead brother’s wife, Natalie Portman, first with kind words but later with his penis and washboard abs.  And that’s when Tobey Maguire shows up – he wasn’t dead after all!  Drama!  It opens December 4th, and Spike Lee is going to be rightly pissed when he finds out they made a movie called Brothers without a single black dude in it.  And it’s got Tobey Maguire instead, which is just adding insult to injury.  Tobey Maguire is to being white as Djimon Hounsou is to being black.

Ever since it was announced that Tobey Maguire and Sam Raimi would both be back for Spider-Man 4 and 5, the question on everyone’s mind has been, “For the love of God, what about Kirsten Dunst?”

“I’m in,” said the actress matter of factly. However, when pressed to make the announcement official, Dunst quickly changed her tone, and rather cryptically added, “I’m not saying anything, I know there’s rumors…”  [MTV]

There you have it.  Not a done deal yet, but it’s looking likely enough that I feel comfortable ending my hunger strike.