(The Bruce Campbell mammogram machine made preventative cancer check-ups fun and sexy.)
For the record, I hate giving superheroes cutesy nicknames like they’re my frat bros, but I gotta keep these headlines down to one line so there you go. Anyway, Sam Raimi favorite and all-around awesome guy Bruce Campbell recently told Access Hollywood that he’ll have “a major part” in Spider-Man 4, which is set to start filming in January. A fourth Spider-Man isn’t the best idea, but it’s hard to go wrong with more Bruce Campbell (who’s previously had cameos as a wrestling announcer, a waiter, and theater usher). Bruce Campbell is like a cross between Robert Downey Jr. and Patrick Warburton, and I would f’ck both those guys. Wait, what? Who typed that?
No word yet on what role he might play, but might I suggest the obvious? Bruce Campbell should play Bruce Campbell with an evil hand. It would make it awesome and meta-fictional, like JCVD but less Belgian. And with more webbing.
The other day I posted the first trailer for Brothers, the Jake Gyllenhaal, Toby Maguiiire, and Naataaalie Portmaan love triangle movie. Now Cinematical has the poster. “There are two sides… to every family.” And then there’s a big split down the middle of the poster. To reflect how their family has been split apart by war, you see. And NPort gives Eskimo kisses to Tobey’s shoulder. It’s like he was away so long she forgot where his cock is. But Jake didn’t. He knows, and it’s tearing him up inside.
Brothers is a Jim Sheridan-directed remake of the 2004 Danish film Brødre. It stars Jake Gyllenhaal as a hot dude whose brother Tobey Maguire is presumed dead after a tour in Afghanistan. He comforts his dead brother’s wife, Natalie Portman, first with kind words but later with his penis and washboard abs. And that’s when Tobey Maguire shows up - he wasn’t dead after all! Drama! It opens December 4th, and Spike Lee is going to be rightly pissed when he finds out they made a movie called Brothers without a single black dude in it. And it’s got Tobey Maguire instead, which is just adding insult to injury. Tobey Maguire is to being white as Djimon Hounsou is to being black.
Ever since it was announced that Tobey Maguire and Sam Raimi would both be back for Spider-Man 4 and 5, the question on everyone’s mind has been, “For the love of God, what about Kirsten Dunst?”
“I’m in,” said the actress matter of factly. However, when pressed to make the announcement official, Dunst quickly changed her tone, and rather cryptically added, “I’m not saying anything, I know there’s rumors…” [MTV]
There you have it. Not a done deal yet, but it’s looking likely enough that I feel comfortable ending my hunger strike.
The Times Online reports that Tobey Maguire has signed a deal expected to be worth $50 million to shoot Spider-Man 4 and 5 back to back over six months next year. Maguire only agreed after he was granted mornings and evenings off as “family time” to spend with his daughter “Ruby Sweetheart” (sorry for the quotes, it’s just a lame name). Meanwhile, Steve McQueen’s widow basically called Maguire a pussy.
Some critics have mocked the current generation of Hollywood actors as “boy-men”. Steve McQueen’s widow Barbara said she could not imagine him asking for “family time” when making The Great Escape. Like McQueen, Maguire came from a troubled background. He planned to be a chef until his mother, an aspiring scriptwriter, gave him $100 to take acting rather than cooking lessons to make sure he “got to know the world”. It worked.
Hmm, I’m not sure wanting to spend time with your daughter makes you a pussy, but I know a crew full of people half-assing it for the money and a star who only works during the middle of the day will no doubt make for a really good movie. Spider-Man 5: Because They Begged Us.
UPDATE: Not an update, per se, but I got the hair-flip .gif working again and I didn’t want to deny anyone its creepiness.
