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Whoa, what happened? I just zoned out for like an hour. Anyway, I guess there’s a new Three Stooges trailer? And there are like… dudes in it? Seriously, bro, I don’t know. That’s just what I heard.

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Starring Christopher Lloyd as kooky scientist, Gary Busey as crazy guy who eats piranhas, Ving Rhames as black guy with guns for legs, and David Hasselhoff as David Hasselhoff, the trailer for Piranha 3DD appears below. The big question coming into this was whether the franchise would be able to soldier on without original director Alexander Aja under replacement John Gulager. The entire trailer consists of women getting either water or fish shot at their boobs, butt, and vaginas, so it looks like fears were unfounded. Unless you’re a vagina, in which case, be very afraid.

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Kate Upton has a bit part in the Farrelly Brothers’s upcoming Three Stooges movie, so obviously everything she does is totally relevant to a serious film site such as this. But what am I saying? I’m sure I don’t have to justify these things to you. You guys, you guys get it, that’s why I like you. Anyway, Kate Upton has made a fine career out of having giant boobs that she can make jiggle when she walks, and finally someone has given them a supercut, which they call “Kate Upton Bouncing: The Supercut.” You can watch it below. It’s truly impressive, most girls just get an up-and-down bounce, if they’re lucky, while Kate has figured out a way to make both boobs not only jiggle and bounce up and down, but also gyrate side to side and twist almost independently of each other. Now if you’ll just let me get my compass and protractor out, we can make a fine graph of their pitch, roll, yaw, initial impact, amplitude, rate of jiggle, and other important statistics. (*pours test tube into beaker*) KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!

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If you watched Amanda Seyfried in 2011’s Red Riding Hood, thinking, “Eh, this is OK, but I could use more violent girls flashing their boobs and werewolves acting all rapey” then you’re in luck, because Japan already heard you loud and clear. Red Sword reimagines the classic “Little Red Riding Hood” tale just a little bit differently than Hollywood’s most recent version.

Long, long ago, there was a wolf-man tribe who had no women. All through history these desperate wolf men have attacked and raped female humans as a way to continue their species. But the wolf men have a terrible legend where every hundred years, on the night of a red moon, a little girl is born and she is destined to destroy the wolf-man tribe. The lecherous wolf men are so afraid of females that they have developed a code which requires they kill baby girls soon after they are born. But only the lovely Beniko Akatsuki survives this terrible fate.

These days, Beniko fights endless battles against the wolf men. Poor Beniko’s mother was ruthlessly raped by a wolf man and gave birth to Beniko. To save her baby girl, Beniko’s mother had to sacrifice her own life. Now, Beniko wears a memento of her beloved mother, a red riding hood, and she has dedicated her life to killing all the wolf men. One day, Beniko senses that the evil wolf men are sneaking into a high school. The clever Beniko pretends she is a school girl and starts attending school, only to find vicious, horny pack of female-deprived wolf men. Beniko protects her fellow school girls as she fights them off with her sword and her red riding hood.

Will the brave, sexy Beniko Red Riding Hood be able to finally kill the vicious pack of sex-starved wolf-men? (Via Gamma Squad and Twitch)

So not only is the Japanese version about the sword-wielding product of werewolf-on-human rape, but she also pretends to be a high school student, flashing her boobs all over the place, because these werewolves are only into schoolgirls. I have to say, I’m just a little bit disappointed in the predictability, Japan.

Very NSFW trailer after the jump. How NSFW? It asks your age for verification and you CANNOT lie to the Internet.

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You might remember that early last year, I told you about a film Todd Phillips was making before Hangover 2, a smaller-budgeted ($12 million) “hard-R” raunchy comedy starring a cast of unknowns (all first-timers) directed by commercial director Nima Nourizadeh (with Phillips “closely overseeing”). Well now the trailer is finally here, and even though it steals the title of one my favorite Matthew Broderick chimp dramas of the 80s, it does have lots of scantily clad teens, which I enjoy. Plus, it’s very nostalgic. My high school experience was exactly like this, except instead of sex-filled pool parties, we hung out at Taco Bell and made potato guns and never got laid ever.

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