You might remember the other day when I posted a quote from Albert Books telling Adam Carolla about one of his least favorite screenwriting tics — when characters constantly, unrealistically address each other by name, just so we don’t forget their names.  Specifically, Brooks said:

“There are things I can’t stand in movies, that can be so easily fixed. I don’t like peoples’ names. [...] Just to say it all the time… it’s sloppy writing.  I’ll tell you a fun game when you have nothing to do: watch Titanic and count how many times he says ‘Rose.’  It must be five thousand. [...] I think he even says it underwater.”

That seemed like a great idea, so right after I transcribed the quote, I opened the zippered ear hole on Oliver’s gimp suit and whispered, “Hey, you should make a mash-up of that,” and then hit him in the crotch with a wiffle bat.  Being the good slave/video editor that he is, after he came, Oliver delivered a video even better than I could’ve imagined.  Not only does Leo say “Rose” a ridiculous number of times, Kate Winslet says “Jack” an equally-ridiculous amount. Jack! What is it, Rose? Jack, don’t die, Jack!  ROSE! Not without you, Rose! I love you, Rose!  Don’t marry Billy Zane, Rose, he doesn’t know the Rose I know!  Jack, I love you too, Jack! Jack, I’m married to Billy Zane but really it’s Jack that I love, Jack! Jack! Rose! Rose! Jack! …

We even made a game out of it.  So which do you think they say more?  Place your bets below…

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Legendary comedian and filmmaker (and brother of Super Dave) Albert Brooks was on the Adam Carolla podcast yesterday, and one of the great things about Albert Brooks is that he doesn’t spend all his time kissing ass like the rest of these Hollywood phonies. Two of the great things about him are that he doesn’t kiss ass, AND he likes making fun of some of the same movie clichés we do. A large part of the 90-minute conversation covered bad movie clichés, and it was great to hear. Besides mentioning the precocious, articulate child trope I bitch about every chance I get (most recent example, 1:36 of the Crazy, Stupid, Love trailer — “She’s your soul mate, right? Go get her back!” HURRR), Brooks mentions a couple other obnoxious chesnuts aspiring screenwriters should avoid.

“There are things I can’t stand in movies, that can be so easily fixed. I don’t like peoples’ names. …I’m gonna talk to you for an hour, and I’m never gonna say ‘Adam.’  You can say ‘Adam’ if you’re gonna leave and I’m calling you, or you can say it if your pissed — ‘Listen, Adam, don’t f*ck with me.’ But just to say it all the time… it’s sloppy writing.  I’ll tell you a fun game when you have nothing to do: watch Titanic and count how many times he says ‘Rose.’  It must be five thousand. [...] I think he even says it underwater.

And there are other things too in movies.  I thought I could teach a writing class and just give like six things and make people better just for these six things.  For instance, take the word ‘listen’ out. It’s a crutch.  It buys you time.”

Of course, it should be noted that these are tips for writing good movies, not successful ones.  As illustrated by the fact that Titanic is the second-highest grossing movie of all time (and still first in terms of attendance).  In fact, if you’re an aspiring screenwriter looking to make a buck, it might be best to pack your script full of as many of these clichés as possible.  It’ll make it seem more professional. “Ooh, this guy really knows what he’s doing,” producers will say.

Okay, okay, so he didn’t use those exact words, but it was pretty close. From USA Today:

You know, everybody is an overnight expert. They think, “what was the takeaway lessons from Avatar? Oh you should make more money with 3D.” They ignore the fact that we natively authored the film in 3D, and decide that what we accomplished in several years of production could be done in an eight week (post-production 3D) conversion with Clash of the Titans.

Q: How long does it take?

A: They’re converting Clash of the Titans in eight weeks. But I’m guessing six months to a year to do it right.

Snap.  Pretty sure he just released the Kraken all over your face.  Cameron was in New York to film a Black Eyed Peas concert in 3D, which, when played back, looks just like the eye of Sauron, but he also discussed some other 3D stuff, including the planned release of Titanic in 3D, and a possible theatrical release of an extended cut of Avatar.  I thought it seemed pretty extended already, but…

[on Titanic] We’re targeting spring of 2012 for the release (of a 3D version of Titanic), which is the 100 year anniversary of the sailing of the ship.

[on Avatar re-release to coincide with the Blu-ray] The wildcard is that we might be re-releasing the movie this fall.  It’s kind of gotten stomped out (in theaters) because of Alice in Wonderland. The word we’re getting back from exhibitors is we probably left a couple of hundred million dollars on the table as a result. The question is the appetite still going to be there after the summer glut of movies. We’re going to assess that. We’re talking about maybe adding in additional footage and doing something creative.

Left a couple hundred million on the table?  Yeesh. My sources tell me last time James Cameron did that, he paid a Thai hooker to go back and pick it up with her vagina.

Avatar has become the second-highest grossing movie of all time, earning $1,135,383,229 worldwide in just 20 days, knocking Lord of the Rings: Return of the King down to number three.  Number one of all time of course belongs to Titanic ($1,842,879,955), another James Cameron-directed film.  If you’re keeping score at home, James Cameron, who once said that Titanic was about F-you money, now has F you money, S my D money, lick my Bs money, come on your Ts money, take a steaming S in your C money, and money that he lights on fire to keep his other money warm money.

See, kids?  This is what happens when you’re not afraid to go out there and really live your dream, and jump on the Leonopteryx.   Said the Avatar forums:

My classmate tried to say Lucas was better, and i asked him “can you speak ewok, cuz i can learn Na’vi”

I just rolled my 12-sided die and drew the corresponding Magic the Gathering card, and the card said “that’s a burn.”

[via ComingSoon, DeadlineHollywood]

My copy of this month’s Playboy hasn’t arrived yet, probably because my mailman is Puerto Rican and everyone knows those people steal.  Or I don’t know, maybe he’s just taking a nap. What am I, his parole officer?  Anyway, there’s an interview with James Cameron in it, and it sounds like he’s his usual, curmudgeonly self.

“I made Titanic because I wanted to dive to a shipwreck, not because I particularly wanted to make the movie…Titanic was about ‘f*ck you’ money,” he said. And on Kate Winslet almost dying while filming: “We simply let Kate think she was nearly drowning. A little sputtering and coughing does not count in my book, because I have almost drowned several times…Anybody who signs on [with me] is going to be tested.”

On his 25th high school reunion: “If you ever go to a 25th high school reunion, make sure that in the previous two months you’ve made the world’s highest-grossing movie, won 11 Academy Awards and become physically bigger than most of those guys who used to beat you up. I walked up to them one by one and said, ‘You know, I could take your ass right now, and I’m tempted, but I won’t.’ Actually, they were all nice guys except for one who was still big and mean. I left him alone.” [Cinematical]

Cameron later went on to clarify that The Abyss was more about ‘love me, daddy’ money, while True Lies was ‘you think you’re better’n me’ money, and if all goes well, Avatar will make piles of ‘is it in yet’ money.