EXCLUSIVE!  EXCLUSIVE!  EXCLUSIVE!

Sorry, that was just my Tourette’s acting up.  CLITORIS! BOOGERS!  Nonetheless, this story IS an exclusive (and keep in mind, my last two exclusives have since been confirmed by the trades).  Variety today reports that the awesome Timothy Olyphant will be replacing the similarly legit Sharlto Copley in I Am Number Four, the Michael Bay-produced, DJ Caruso-directed, aliens-in-high-school movie.  This was Variety‘s official (read: not true) reason for the switch:

“Scheduling conflicts with his upcoming press obligations for Fox’s ‘The A-Team.’”

Right, as if Dreamworks wouldn’t have known his press obligations from the beginning.  Luckily, the real story is much funnier.  The real story, and I promise I’m not making this up, is that Sharlto Copley wanted wear a prosthetic nose and fake ears like Spock and look like an alien in the movie, while director DJ Caruso was adamant that the aliens were supposed to look just like regular humans, hence why they’re able to fit in.  This was apparently such a sticking point that neither would budge, and Copley left the project.  Haha, I love you, Hollywood egos.  What I wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall during that argument.

“But you said I got ta be da alien!”

“Nuh uh! You got ta be da alien last time!”

“I hate you!  I’m not guh be your friend no more!”

*grabs juice box, storms out*

*Michael Bay blows up a frog with a fire cracker*

Here’s the trailer for Breck Eisner’s The Crazies, which Timothy Olyphant decided to be in for some reason. It’s a remake of a George Romero zombie film that Overture CEO Chris McGurk said they made because they were trying to do something “clever and smart.” That’s right, he thought redoing someone else’s movie… about zombies… was both clever and smart.  I feel like even a Bedouin nomad or a Kalahari bushmen has already seen this movie like 20 times.

[via THR]

This is the trailer for The Crazies, Breck Eisner’s remake of the 1973 George Romero flick.  Breck Eisner is the son of former Disney CEO Michael Eisner, and last directed the megaflop Sahara.  This one has Timothy Olyphant, and also zombies.  And that Mad Mad World cover song from Donnie Darko.  All in all it looks pretty good if you’re into movies you’ve already seen 12-15 times.  The Crazies, more like The Lazies, amirite?  (*wank wank mouthfart*)

Much as I love Timothy Olyphant, Hitman was a movie based on a video game based on an amalgam of b-movies that pretty much everyone hated. But of course Fox wants a sequel.  Or as IESB puts it:

IESB has confirmed that 20th Century Fox has hired writer Kyle Ward to pen the script for the sequel to Hitman!  The original Hitman movie was a bona fide hit released in 2007 with an estimated gross of 100 million dollars in worldwide box office receipts not including DVD sales and television broadcast rights.

Now, I guess I don’t understand the movie business.  Because it seems to me, if you open a pizza place, and everyone on the block comes to the grand opening and buys a slice, but then they spend the next week pissing out their ass and talking about how much your pizza sucks, your receipts may not be the best indicator of the public’s appetite for more of your pizza.   Or as a Fox Exec might say, “Dude! Everyone’s talking about your pizza!”

Sorry for these lightning-round posts folks, but I think you’ll agree that none of these deserve a whole post for themselves. What do they look like, your mom?

Dead Snow, the Norwegian Nazi-Zombie movie has a new trailer.  It’s out in limited release on June 19th.  This trailer gives you a better idea of the story, which isn’t really a good thing, since the entire story consists of “There are zombies and the zombies are nazis.”  The blood-puking clip is far more effective, I think.  But I say that about everything.

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