Scientifically speaking, I believe that if Stephen King doesn’t write at least 100 pages a day, he’ll start biting himself like a shark (sharks do that, right?). One of his most recent works is the not-yet-released 11/22/63, a thousand-page tome about an English teacher who goes back in time to stop the Kennedy assassination. But that’s not all, he also discovers A TREASURE MAP HIDDEN ON THE BACK OF THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE! Okay, not really, but he does party with Elvis and bang a librarian. The movie rights have already been picked up by Jonathan Demme (Philadelphia, Rachel Getting Married). What do librarians do these days, anyway? Do they just give jerk-off lotion to hobos?

The Oscar-winning filmmaker (The Silence of the Lambs) will write and direct as well as produce the adaptation.
The tome, all 1000-pages of it, is set to hit stores in November and centers on an English teacher who goes through a time portal in an effort to stop the Kennedy assassination. He finds himself dealing with luminaries ranging from Elvis to JFK and meets a high school librarian that becomes the love of his life.
Ilona Herzberg, who produced Demme’s last dramatic feature, Rachel Getting Married, is producing the project, which is not set up or financed. King will exec produce if the movie gets off the ground. [THR]

I hope they change the English teacher to black secret agent Wesley Snipes, and he gets to the book depository with only seconds to spare, finds Lee Harvey Oswald and yells, “ALWAYS BET ON BLACK!” and kicks him out a window. And then Marty McFly pulls up in the Delorean, pulls down his sunglasses and he’s all like, “That’s heavy, Doc!” And then a dog nearby covers his eyes with his paws for some reasons.  But that’s just me.

[In other Stephen King news, The Stand is getting a multiple-film adaptation from Warner Bros]

Noooooooooo!

Achtung, Jews, I got you an early Hanukkah present.  L’chaim, it’s a new Uwe Boll movie!  What, don’t tell me you’d have rather gotten money, that’s so typical (haha, chill out, that’s just a little Jew humor I picked up at camp).  Fresh off that film where he plays a Nazi at Auschwitz (NOT a comedy) and that other one about the fat, Nazi-fighting half vampire where he plays Hitler (supposedly a comedy), Uwe Boll will soon be drinking shirtless Absinthe shots with Dolph Lundgren. That’s because Boll has reportedly cast Hitler’s ideal of perfection as… wait for it… a medieval war veteran who gets sucked back in time by ninjas.  Hey, man, don’t kill the messenger (Mel Gibson hates it when you do that).

Lundgren told blogtalk radio: “I play an ex-middle ages war veteran who gets f**ked up but he gets pulled into some sort of medieval power struggle, kind of gets a bit of a redemption for all his pains in service. It’s a role I just wanted to play. It’s fun to exercise my acting chops [sic] once in a while. I’ve got to get ready for ‘Expendables 2′.”

Speaking about the plot – which is set in the kingdom of Ehb – director Boll said: “It’s like contemporary, right now big city, and we have Dolph Lundgren basically being a cop or like a fighting coordinator working as this, and one night he gets attacked by ninjas in his house and fell with the ninjas into a vortex back in time.  [...] And then it turns out it’s like 50 years after the first part ‘In the Name of the King’ ended, and Ehb is destroyed and everybody is dead, Jason Statham and everybody who was in the first part, got wiped out.”

‘In the Name of the King 2′ is set to start shooting early next year in Canada. [Bloginity via LiveforFilms]

Uwe Boll has made three movies this year despite there not being a single plausible explanation for financing an Uwe Boll movie in the last 10 years.  I guess what I’m trying to say is, I know people say this a lot, but there’s no way this movie happens.  Just having Uwe Boll and Dolph Lundgren on the same set is enough to get the Anti-Defamation League so far up your ass you couldn’t see straight.

"I must break you," he said sadly to his tanning bed.

(Brit’s interpretation of the Battle of Thermopylae)

So the source for this story is the National Ledger, and I’m not familiar enough with them to know if they’re reliable, but the story was too good not to report.  They say Britney Spears has been offered a role in The Yellow Star of Sophia and Eton.  Yes, that kind of yellow star.

If she accepts the role, Britney will reportedly play the main role of Sophia LaMont, who creates a time machine and travels back to World War II where she meets a Jewish man called Eton at a concentration camp. They then fall in love and travel back to the present day with the intention of getting married but they are both killed by Nazis. [NL]

Jeez, guys, tell us the ending why don’t you.  So basically, it’s like Where the Red Fern Grows but with Jews instead of coon hounds, and with time traveling Nazis*.  But otherwise exactly the same.   Britney was reportedly intrigued by the idea of a “concentration camp,” but she’ll probably be really sad when she finds out what it is.

*Dear Hollywood: If you made half as many time traveling Nazi movies as you did zombie movies, the world would be a better place.