Jared from Landline TV just sent over their latest video, “Tim Burton’s Weekend at Bernie’s.”  Its self-explanatory-ness is matched only by the accuracy of its execution.  Why can’t more things be like this?  Instead, women are always sayin’ something isn’t bothering them when it actually is, flammable and inflammable actually mean the same thing, people are always sayin “new and improved’, but it can’t be both!  *takes bong load* Sometimes, like, the world just doesn’t make sense, bro.

UPDATE: I moved the video after the jump because it kept autoplaying.

Much as I like Johnny Depp’s tranny Madonna makeup, I still can’t tell if Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland is going to be good or a flaming pile.  It just seems like most of the fun of Alice in Wonderland is based on wordplay.  In any case, it opens March 5th and they just released this clip.  Alice, played by Mia Wasikowska, takes a bite of cake and instantly grows big and scary, which should teach the young ladies out there a valuable lesson.  Cakes are for baking, not for eating.  Also, as long as we’re having animals talk and wear people clothes, it seems like they could find a part for Lobster Dog.

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Looking at that headline, I now realize having both “tranny” and “Madonna” is a bit redundant.  Mee-ow!  That’s right, boys, this pussy has claws.  Anyway, Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland has a new featurette focusing on Johnny Depp’s character, the Mad Hatter.  In between the cool footage, we get to see Johnny Depp looking bored as he’s forced to describe his character as if it’s a real person, as actors always are in these dumb things.  Not that I blame him.  Also, wouldn’t it be cooler if the Mad Hatter wasn’t mad as in crazy from the Mercury poisoning, but just irrationally pissed off all the time?  Just full of impotent, blue-collar rage?  AGGHHHH, I F*CKING HATE MAKING HATS!   *punts Cheshire Cat in the face*

[hat tip: FilmSchoolRejects]

(Tim unveils the Calista Flockhart action figurine.)

No need to sugarcoat the penis head on this post, pretty awesome news to report: Tim Burton will serve as President of this year’s Cannes Film Festival, in the south of France (May 12-May 23).

Cannes fest prexy Gilles Jacob said, “We hope Tim Burton’s sweet madness and gothic humor will pervade the Croisette, bringing Christmas to all. Christmas and Halloween.” (oh stop, Gilles, your cleverness is making my adult diaper wet.-Ed.)

Burton said, “After spending my early life watching triple features and 48-hour horror movie marathons, I’m finally ready for this.” [Variety]

Tim Burton is a stud and regardless of whether or not you’ve enjoyed every film he’s ever made, is irrelevant; you have to give credit where credit is due. Aside from directing, Burton has collaborated on so many projects and in such varying genres, you can’t help but to respect his keen sense for entertainment.

In a press release from the festival’s submission department, a Cannes intern gushed to reporters, “We’re so excited to be working with Mr. Burton. It’s great having all of this year’s competitors resubmit their projects under new names containing ‘Vincent Price’ in the title.”

-chodin

“How to wrap a cat for Christmas.” Merry Catmas.

DAILY CIRCLE JERK LINKS

• See?  I told you Johnny Depp’s Mad Hatter looked like Madonna. |via Thatissogay|
• This news team video is like the real-life Anchorman. |WarmingGlow|
• The year in Fail.  Aka people falling down. |CollegeHumor via WithLeather|
• Here’s a Walrus fellating himself.  Know what this reminds me of?  You guessed it, your mom. |HolyTaco|
• The Cliff’s Notes version of Lost.  Hey, who’s Cliff?  Why the f*ck doesn’t he ever read anything? |ScreenJunkies|
• Here’s George Lucas on The Daily Show claiming children like Jar Jar Binks.  His bullfrog neck is looking more deflated than usual, I wonder if he’s okay.  |GammaSquad|
• The year in 120 seconds. |Urlesque|
• Here’s that Avatar parody thing Olivia Munn and Eva Amurri were making. OLIVIA MUNN NAKED AND TOPLESS sadly doesn’t make an appearance.  UPSKIRT NIPSLIPS GOOGLE. |G4|
• The 10 best netflix gems of 2009. |Pajiba|
• Mike Tyson chases down a paparazzo at LAX.  Said paparazzo, “He effed me until I loved him.”  Maybe. |Guyism|