Thor 2 doesn’t have a script or a director, but it does have a release date, because that’s just how Marvel rolls, bro. They grip it and rip it, they live life with a lot of flair. July 26th, 2013 is when it’s set to go down, with Chris Hemsworth back to star but Kenneth Branagh out as director.

A sequel had already been a high priority at Marvel, with Don Payne, one of the scribes on the first film, already taking a stab at the story.
Disney will also unspool “Iron Man 3″ on May 3, 2013, setting up a release sked similar to this year’s: “Thor” [which] bowed in May, to be followed by “Captain America: The First Avenger” in July. [Variety]

Kenneth Branagh won’t be returning as helmer. Branagh, who directed the first film and watched it gross $437 million worldwide with a few territories still playing out, will likely be involved in some producing capacity. His exit was “mutual and amicable,” I’m told. [Deadline]

Iron Man 3 has Shane Black directing, which should be exciting in theory, but f*ck, I’m just a little superhero weary. I never thought I’d get tired of handsome young men prancing about masks and tights for my amusement, but here we are. I may be in the minority in that I liked Thor. It wasn’t a great movie, but it was a cute movie. The acting was great, the Viking-out-of-water comedy was surprisingly enjoyable, and the brother drama was different, at least (the Warriors Three were completely pointless, but there you go). I credit most of that to Kenneth Branagh.  Contrary to the conventional wisdom, someone who knows story is always better than the glorified graphic designers they usually hire. So it’ll be interesting to see whether Marvel decides to go the Joe Johnston/Brett Ratner route, or if they hire someone… good.

Not too many huge stories at the box office this weekend.  Thor kept the top spot with $35.5 million for the weekend (based on early estimates), while Bridesmaids ran a strong second with $24.4 million.  Be thankful for that, because with the way they’ve been selling it, rest assured that Bridesmaids was a stand-in for all female-driven, non-Kate Hudson films in the minds of most movie execs. It just goes to show, if the movie’s good enough, the ladies will neglect their baking.  (Stay off the roads that day).  Oh, and Fast Five (5 Fast 5 Furious) surpassed Fast and Furious (4ast and Fourious) as the highest-grossing movie of the series, so we’ll probably be getting at least three more of those.

Thor‘s percentage drop was much smaller than the last two summer starters (Iron Man 2 and X-Men Origins: Wolverine), and it also outperformed The Incredible Hulk and Clash of the Titans. Its fall was also about even with the first Iron Man, albeit with a much lower total gross. If Thor continues to track like Tony Stark’s first outing, it could close at around $200 million. [BoxOfficeMojo]

Most everything else performed adequately.  Priest opened all the way down at fourth, worse than Underworld, Resident Evil, or Legion (which was from the same director), but who didn’t see that coming?  $14.5 million is a coup for a movie that looked as stupid as that one did. Good luck earning that $60 million budget back (sidenote: how the hell did Priest cost 60 million?).

This weekend’s big losers, other than Go for It, which managed to earn less than $600 per location, probably because no one had even heard of it, and even if they had, couldn’t remember that generic name, were the indies. Will Ferrell’s Everything Must Go averaged $3,784 at 218 locations, and Hesher $3,175 at 40. It’s sad (especially for the people in the Midwest who might want to see them) that they decide how wide to release these films based on their first or second weekend performance, when most people who don’t regularly read movie blogs still haven’t heard of them. And between you, me, and my bank account, we really don’t account for that significant a segment of society. It just goes to show, if you make a really good indie movie, and even get huge stars like Natalie Portman or Joseph Gordon-Levitt or Will Ferrell to be in it, you’re probably still f*cked.
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Not surprisingly, Thor topped the box office this weekend, earning an estimated $66 million from just under 4,000 domestic locations.  Even less surprisingly, this was deemed a perfect occasion for headline writers across the country to unveil pound home their finest “hammer” pun.  Here’s a small sampling (seriously, there were way more than this):

• Thor movie hammers US competition – BBC
• Box Office: Thor Hammers Out a Decent Summer Opening -FilmSchoolRejects
• Box office report: ‘Thor’ hammers out a $66 million opening -EntertainmentWeekly
• BOX OFFICE: Thor Hammers, Fast Five Slows Down, Women Go To Romcoms
  -InsidePulse
• Thor Hammers Competition with Mighty $66 Million Opening -Indiewire
• Box Office: ‘Thor’ hammers $25.7 million to reach no. 1 Friday -Hitfix
• ‘Thor’ hammers out superhero movie with humor -Fwdailynews
• ‘Thor’ hammers viewers with flashy 3-D effects -WashingtonTimes
• Thor Hammers Competition With $66 Million Opening -Business2Community
• Thor hammers home his power -FreeMalaysiaToday
• ‘Thor’ hammers competition with $66M opening -TheHindu
• ‘Thor’ hammers out $66M weekend -UPI
• Thor hammers home the fun -San Antonio Express
• ‘Thor’ hammers home the summer’s first comic book blockbuster -Frederick
  NewsPost
• Movie review: ‘Thor’ launches the summer movie season with a hammer
  -SaltLakeTribune
• Thor Hammers the Hype Machine – E! Online
• ‘Thor’s’ hammer lands in theaters with thud -Journal and Courier
• Weekend Receipts: Thor Hammers The Box Office Competition -Movieline
• “Thor” Hammers the Box Office -ComicBookResources
• ‘Thor’ hammers competition with $66M opening -8newsNow
• Thor Hammers The Box Office -Miami CBS Local
• Mächtiges vom Asgard-Krieger: Thors Hammer und mehr -Eibenwald

And my personal favorite:

• Explosion heard in Abbottabad…To higher ground…Thor hammers it
  -9&10News

And that’s to say nothing of the “Thor pounds…” puns. WORDPLAY, MOTHERF*CKER! But don’t begrudge them their puns.  If you work for E! or EntertainmentWeekly, that could be the most fun you have all week.  This just in! An actor had a workout regimen for a movie!

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Phew, a lot of movies coming out this weekend, including two I’ve actually seen.  I’ve got your breakdown below, but if you take anything away, it should be this: if, with everything on offer this weekend, you still choose/allow yourself to be dragged to the new Kate Hudson yuppie abortion, you do not deserve to procreate.  Movies covered: Thor, Something Borrowed, Jumping the Broom, Exporting Raymond, Hobo with a Shotgun, The Beaver

THOR

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 80%

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

Thor, a film that absolutely should exist, but for entirely commercial reasons. Past that it has no real momentum, no life force, no undefinable quality which makes it in the least bit remarkable. -Laremy, Film.com

“Thor” is the most entertaining superhero debut since the original Spiderman. -Richard Roeper

The last 25 minutes of “Thor” aren’t much better than the first. But that hour in between – tasty, funny, robustly acted – more than compensates. -Michael Phillips, Chicago Tribune

Armchair Analysis: Well, you know what I thought. It’s not perfect, but I liked it. For some reason, I have a feeling it might not be totally successful for some of the exact reasons I liked it.  I liked that there wasn’t a lot of macho posturing (well, not as much, anyway)  But Fast Five opened twice as big as any other movie this year and that was basically COME AT ME, BRO: the movie.  We’ll see.  In related news, Hopefully Thor can grow some f*cking chest hair before The Avengers.

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I liked Thor.  Despite a distinct lack of rocket hands and Robert Downey chewing scenery, all things considered, it’s probably a better film than the first Iron Man (which, let’s face it, was a little Entourage-y at times).  And yet, something about it kept me from being much excited to write my review.  In fact, I made this entire Platoon poster with a Hyrax out of boredom before I’d written my first paragraph.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a fun movie.  The acting is solid all the way through (Chris Hemsworth and Tom Hiddleston — Loki — are pleasant discoveries, and neither Anthony Hopkins nor Natalie Portman dishonor their pedigrees). Kenneth Branagh proves his Shakespeare experience surprisingly applicable to a film about a big blonde guy whacking sh*t with a hammer, seamlessly mixing goofy, often slapsticky humor with age-old conflicts between brothers, and fathers and sons, and of course, epic speeches and hubris leading to downfall.  The film begins in Asgard, where three of the evil Ice Giants (couldn’t have thought up a less on-the-nose name, there, guys?) have infiltrated a sacred Asgardian hall through some kind through a secret portal, in order to steal back some magic box full of blue fog that the Asgardians took after defeating them in a long war (the one where Odin lost his eye).  But before the Ice Giants can accomplish much, the Asgardians’ giant chrome Destroyer blows them all to f*ck WITH A BEAM OF HELLFIRE FROM ITS FACE (pretty baller, as security systems go).   When the Asgardians discover what happened, newly-crowned Prince Thor gets pissed, demanding to go to Planet Ice Giant and hammer some frozen dicks in retaliation.  Odin (Hopkins) says no — “The Destroyer did its job, the invaders met their fate, nothing else is required.”

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