Man, don’t you hate it when you take your gun off to take a huge dump and then you dump so good you end up crapping your short-term memory and forget your gun right there in the shitter? It’s one of the biggest problems facing Florida today, along with oven meth and escaped snakes. Just such a thing happened to Tampa Sheriff Luke Hussey over the weekend, who left his gun in a movie theater bathroom, but had a happy ending when a 9-year-old boy who was there to see Man of Steel returned Hussey’s Glock.

About 90 minutes after a 9-year-old boy found a loaded handgun in a movie theater bathroom Sunday, sheriff’s Detective Luke Hussey realized he was missing his Glock.
Hussey, 38, who has been with the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office for 13 years, was off duty that day. He had gone to Muvico Centro Ybor 20, according to the Sheriff’s Office, about 3 p.m. and stopped in the bathroom before the movie. He put his Glock 26, a personal weapon, on top of a toilet paper dispenser — then forgot it and left.
Minutes later, Temple Terrace 9-year-old Zane Noland entered the same stall and saw the gun. He exited the stall and told his father, Wesley Noland, 48, who had taken Zane and his older brother, Ryan, to the theater to see Man of Steel on Father’s Day.
Wesley Noland, a Marine veteran, went into the stall, disarmed the Glock and called 911.
By the time Hussey realized he’d lost his gun, Tampa police had taken it. He called Sunday and asked for it back, police said, but was told only a detective in the firearms unit could release it.
The Sheriff’s Office announced Tuesday that Hussey is the subject of an administrative investigation that could result in suspension or termination.
“It’s obviously a serious mistake,” said sheriff’s spokesman Larry McKinnon. “We’re glad no one was hurt, that the gun didn’t end up in the wrong hands.” [TampaBayTimes]

Yes, it’s a good thing the gun didn’t end up in the wrong hands. (*gives gun back to cop who left it in a movie theater bathroom*)(*Yakety Sax plays*)

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Six people were arrested last week at a theater north of Salt Lake City after the theater janitor reportedly put it up on Craigslist as a gangbang venue and charged participants admission. You know, typical Utah stuff.

Police received a tip on Wednesday that a “live sex show” would be taking place after midnight at the theater, according to a statement from the Syracuse Police Department.

After obtaining additional information and a warrant, the Davis Metro Narcotics Unit and a SWAT team set up a sting operation and found three women and a man engaging in sex acts inside the theater, according to police.

“I have never heard anything like it,” said Syracuse Police Chief Garret Atkin. “We had undercover officers in attendance, and once they confirmed that was happening, we got the signal to make entry into the theater.”

I like to think “the signal” was a raised right fist with a tongue pressing out the left cheek. I’m not happy that this is what undercover police are doing with their time, but I can’t say as I blame theme. “Hey, Tony, you wanna go infiltrate a gang of methed out bikers or hang out in theater full of crazed nymphos to see if they actually bang each other?”

Six people, including an observer, were arrested.

Krystle Morales, 19, of Salt Lake City; Lillian Scott, 22, of Salt Lake City; and Shelby Boyce, 21, were booked into the Davis County Jail for investigation of sexual solicitation, a class B misdemeanor. Boyce, of West Valley City, was also arrested for investigation of possession of spice and drug paraphernalia.

Troy Manning, 33, of Centerville, who police say engaged in sex with the women, was arrested for investigation of sexual solicitation and drug possession.

A 43-year-old Midvale man was arrested for investigation of sexual solicitation for allegedly watching the performance.

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In a story that’s been going around the internet for about a day and a half now, Kevin Williamson, a theater columnist for The National Review, is currently being hailed as a hero to anyone who’s ever lacked the balls to shush a fellow theater goer. While attending a performance of the musical Natasha, Pierre, and the Great Comet of 1812 this week, he was sitting next to a woman who refused to stop playing with her phone during the show. Eventually he took matters in to his own hands, grabbing the woman’s phone and chucking it towards an open door, never to be seen again. (I say “defenestrates,” because it’s possible it went out a window, and hey, it’s a fun word).

I suppose it should be noted that this whole story came from Williamson himself.

“The main offenders were two parties of women of a certain age, the sad sort with too much makeup and too-high heels, and insufficient attention span for following a two-hour musical. But my date spoke with the theater management during the intermission, and they apologetically assured us that the situation would be remedied. It was not.”

I’m assuming the age he means is 4, but I’ve been watching a lot of Toddlers and Tiaras lately. Gothamist picks up the story from there…

Once the performance resumed, the woman sitting to Williamson’s right on his bench would not, he says, stop using her cell phone. “It looked like she was Googling or something,” Williamson tells us. “So I leaned over and told her it was distracting and told her to put it away. She responded, ‘So don’t look.’ ”

Blood boiling, Williamson says he then asked her, sarcastically, “whether there had been a special exemption for her about not using her phone during the play. She told me to mind my own business, and so I took the phone out of her hands. I meant to throw it out the side door, but it hit some curtains instead. I guess my aim’s not as good as it should be.” Asked if the phone was damaged, Williamson says, “It had to be; I threw it a pretty good distance.”

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Okay, I can see how that might be depressing.

I don’t want to make light of a man’s death if he doesn’t deserve it, but in the abstract, this story about a homeless man drinking himself to death during Twilight is almost comically dark. This is like a real-life noir novella:

A 23-year-old quietly drank himself to death after sneaking into a screening of Twilight: Eclipse in Wellington.
Damian Anthony Smythe’s death was “a sad and tragic loss of life of a person so young”, Wellington [New Zealand] coroner Ian Smith said.
Mr Smythe was described in the coroner’s report as an unemployed man with no fixed abode.
CCTV footage of Mr Smythe showed on July 4 2010 [don't ask me why they're only reporting this now...] he snuck in to a 6pm screening of the vampire movie at Reading Cinema on Courtenay Place without paying for a ticket. He was alone at the time.
A woman who sat behind Mr Smythe said she had seen him drink at least half a bottle of Johnny Walker Red Label whiskey straight before slumping forward in his seat and snoring.
About five minutes before the movie ended, he fell silent.
He was found by cleaners who thought he was drunk and asleep, but was cold and blue in the face.
He had an empty one-litre bottle of whiskey beside him.
Ambulance staff were called and police alerted after it was clear Mr Smythe was dead.
Police records showed Mr Smythe was a transient person and was known to be an alcoholic with a police record of stealing from businesses and trespass.
Toxicology reports revealed no evidence of drugs but found a blood alcohol level of 569 milligrams per 100 millilitres of blood. [for a BAC of .569. You may recall that Professor X, aka Alexander Broughton, the Tennessee buttchugger from Pike, had a BAC "well over .40"] [Stuff.Co.NZ]

Jesus, man, that story was so dark Rorschach from Watchmen could’ve written it. But yeah, I can see how being a homeless dude from a broken home watching a bunch of perfect whitebread yuppies whine about their relationship problems from the comfort of their inexplicably palatial crate and barrel catalog homes while never working could drive a person to drink himself to death. Well, that, and living in New Zealand.

“Movie-theater floor” ranks right up there with “peep-show booth” and “truck-stop bathroom” in terms of places I wouldn’t want to crawl around. But like all those times I turned down Playgirl, my prudery is hitting me right in the pocketbook. Because apparently a dude who crawled around movie theater floors stealing credit cards at chick flicks was making a cool $70,000 a week. …And the vanities on the Bentley read “STICKY.”

A man who may have stolen as much as $70,000 a week by slithering beneath theater seats while movies were playing and lifting credit cards from women’s’ pocketbooks was convicted Monday of fraud and identity theft crimes.
Anthony Johnson, 49, and a string of accomplices used the stolen cards to collect thousands of dollars in cash advances from Connecticut’s gambling casinos and to make tens of thousands of dollars more in retail purchases in Connecticut and elsewhere, authorities said.
On a “good” weekend, Johnson collected $50,000 to $70,000 from the scheme, one of his accomplices testified last week at his trial at U.S. District Court in Hartford. He had to settle for $30,000 or $40,000 on a bad weekend, the accomplice said.
The accomplice, who agreed to cooperate with authorities, said Johnson, of Philadelphia, typically worked with women accomplices. They bought tickets to motion pictures likely to be popular with female audiences and chose seats from which they could watch how women in the audience stored their pocketbooks.
“Once the movie started, Johnson crawled on the floor, removed credit cards from the stored purses, and returned the wallet to the purses,” according to an FBI affidavit. “Johnson crawled in this manner around the theater until he was done…”
Afterward, Johnson used counterfeiting equipment to manufacture driver’s licenses bearing the photograph of his current accomplice and the identifying information of the owner of the stolen credit cards. Armed with phony identification, Johnson and his accomplices went on shopping sprees.
Johnson was tried and convicted of crimes associated with thefts from the Bow-Tie Cinema in Greenwich, the Gallery Cinemas in Colchester and at Fairfield Cinemas in Fairfield.
During a theft from the Colchester theater on Aug. 15, 2010, one of the stolen credit cards was used at a gas station 52 minutes into a 90-minute feature. Later in the day, the card was used to obtain $4,000 in cash advances and an $863 item from a Coach store at the Mohegan Sun casino.
The FBI said Johnson has been creeping over theater floors since at least 2007, when he was released from prison in a case involving the theft of a diamond in the Philadelphia area.
A jury convicted Johnson Monday of seven counts of unauthorized use of an access device, such as a credit or debit card, and two counts of aggravated identity theft. The access device convictions carry maximum 10-year sentences and the identity theft charges carry additional two-year sentences. [HartfordCourant]

Would the fact that this guy would target “chick flicks” like Eat Pray Love and Sex and the City be considered a “special circumstance?” Hopefully the judge takes that part into account and gives him a lighter sentence.

[Sidenote: The last part of this source article is why Forbes generally isn't known for their comedy. Banner picture source = here.]