(Game: Count the actresses still working in this picture.)

So Paramount has plans to make a Baywatch movie, and they’re hoping to reimagine it as a comedy (even though it was kind of already a comedy). From Variety:

Hoping to add some giggle to the jiggle [you can't see me, but I'm slamming my head in my desk drawer right now -Ed.] Paramount Pictures has set Jeremy Garelick to rewrite and direct a bigscreen comedy based on the syndicated series. The film marks Garelick’s directing debut. The scribe, who most recently did an uncredited rewrite of “The Hangover” with Todd Phillips, has written “Murray at Large” for Phillips to produce and possibly direct at Warner Bros., and also scripted “The Insane Laws” at Columbia.

DreamWorks paid seven figures for remake rights in 2005 and got a script by Jay Scherick and David Ronn [credits: Norbit, The Zookeeper, National Security] that was heavy on action. Garelick was sent the script do a punch-up. Though he never saw the original TV show and its well-rounded cast [another subtle tit pun! you're on a roll, Variety writer guy!], he saw an opportunity to turn it into broad comedy.

“It felt like the template to do a movie that was similar to ‘Stripes’ and ‘Police Academy,’ the comedies I loved growing up,” [THIS SENTENCE HAS NO PREDICATE. GUH.] Garelick said. “Rather than trying to pitch the tone, I figured it would be easier to write the first act to convey who these characters were,” Garelick said.  Some 37 pages later, Garelick has landed the job. The script now focuses on two unlikely lifeguard candidates trying to catch on alongside the buff bodies that will be as abundant in the film as they were in the TV series.

I don’t even know where to start with this story.  First off, who hasn’t seen Baywatch? Secondly, they already made this, it was called Son of the Beach. Third, The Insane Laws? There’s no way a movie with that title is anything but a puke-filled afterbirth.  Finally, DreamWorks spent seven figures for the rights and then hired the guys from Norbit to write it?  That’s like buying a Gulfstream jet and handing the keys to your landscaper.  Every person in this story should be fired out of a cannon into a volcano.

To answer the question in the headline: Cher, Judd Apatow, Adam Sandler, Jon Favreau, and Sylvester Stallone.  They’ll all be doing voices for The Zookeeper, starring Kevin James and Rosario Dawson (I used her for the accompanying photo, because as I think you’ll agree, her boobs are huge).  The film revolves around zoo animals teaching Kevin James how to not be such a fat loser, a script which, no joke, sold for three million dollars.

Sandler, whose Happy Madison shingle is also a producer on the pic, will voice a capuchin monkey. Cher’s voicing a giraffe, Favreau a bear, Stallone a lion and Apatow an elephant.  Jim Breuer, Faizon Love and Bas Rutten round out the voice cast.
Pic centers on zoo animals trying to teach the keeper their methods of dating and mating to help him win back the woman of his dreams.  [Variety]

I will bet you $1000 right now that at some point, the Sandler monkey’s love advice will involve throwing feces.  No way they’re passing up that joke.  The funny thing is, The Zookeeper is a dumber idea for a movie than any of the fake movies in Funny People.

Variety today reports that beautifully big-breasted actress Rosario Dawson has signed on for The Zookeeper, opposite Kevin James.  What’s The Zookeeper, you ask?  I’ve told you before, but you probably repressed the memory like the time your uncle showed you the bananafish.

Live actioner centers on zoo animals trying to teach the keeper their methods of dating and mating to help him win back the woman of his dreams.

(*pounds head on desk*)

Project reteams “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” producers James, Sussman and Garner (”Sorcerer’s Apprentice”). MGM won a bidding war last year for the “Zookeeper” spec, paying $2 million against $3 million, while the studio was ramping up a slate of homegrown projects.

(*cocks pistol, aims at temple*).

Writer: “I WROTE A SCRIPT!”
MGM Exec: “OMG WHATS IT ABOUT!”
Writer: “ITS LIKE HITCH, BUT WILL SMITH IS A ZEBRA!”
MGM Exec: “I ONLY HAVE ONE QUESTION:  DOES IT RAP!”
Writer: “HAHA! OF COURSE!”
MGM Exec: “OMG PRICELESS! HERE’S TWO MILLION DOLLARS! LET’S HOLD HANDS AND F*CK!”