After last year’s Worst Movies feature, I received feedback from some readers and Twitter folk about me possibly being “too negative” and “mean” when it came to criticizing films that I chose to watch for this annual hate crime report. Some people even pulled the “What movies have you written?” card, which is cheap because I can just turn around and ask what dog they’ve ever photoshopped a mustache on, and BOOM – argument over.

Hundreds, if not thousands, of films are made each year, and a lot of them are bad. That’s not just by my standards; that’s by the standards of the majority. I have never, in the several years that Vince has let me poison the quality of his website, proclaimed to be a critic. I am just a bro who likes watching movies, and I have a naïve innocence that lets me still believe that people in Hollywood care about making quality films. Then I watch Bucky Larson and that gullible side of me is shoved into a wood chipper.

So how, then, do I determine which of the many, many mainstream films that I have watched in 2012 are the absolute worst of the worst of the WORST? It’s a little pinch of common sense mixed with a dash of “Come on, that’s just f*cking awful”. But I also have some rules, and let’s review them now…

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New York Times chief film critic A.O. Scott, which I choose to believe stands for Artichoke Octagon, is among the first of journalism’s heavy hitters acting as the clap to break the eventual avalanche of year-end filler stories and lists (including my very own UPROXX Persons of the Year and Worst Movies of 2012). Scott’s main piece – which is so big that it even warranted the Times interviewing its own writer about it – focuses on the rise of the “Hollywood Heroine”, as he believes that 2012 was a particularly strong year for powerful female characters, including Anne Hathaway’s Catwoman and Scarlett Johannsson’s Black Widow, among others.

But Scott also purchased himself a seat on the Channing Tatum A-List bandwagon, which Vince and I take full credit for now that his stock is through the roof, and the N.Y. Times magazine is calling our boy C-Tates one of this year’s Memorable Men. That’s not quite as big as GQ naming him the Movie Star of the Year, and it’s certainly not as monumental as People dubbing him the Sexiest Man Alive, but it’s still nice that this year’s $500 million man is being noticed for his acting.

Haha, just kidding, it’s about his abs.

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Is every movie just going to be based on/inspired by some real event?

MORNING LINKS
James Cameron puts Jack-Could’ve-Fit Gate to Rest Once and for All |Film Drunk|

‘The Simpsons’ And ‘Breaking Bad’ Mashup Finally Has The Posters It Deserves |UPROXX|

The bear in the the tutu is such a show-off.  |It Makes No Sense|

10 Things We Learned From The Season Premiere Of ‘Sons Of Anarchy’ |Warming Glow|

Aaron Rodgers Wussed Out On His Bet So We Photoshopped Him Into 49ers Jerseys |With Leather|

Has ‘Futurama’ Jumped The Space Whale? |Gamma Squad|

The Company Who Brought Us Hologram Tupac Files For Bankruptcy |Smoking Section|

The Automated Yahoo! Fantasy Football Recaps Are Hilarious |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

Alison Pill Accidentally Tweeted A Topless Pic Because She’s So Totally Like Maggie, You Guys |The Superficial|

30 Renowned Authors Inspired by Cats |Buzzfeed|

5 Remarkable Things Discovered Under Parking Lots |Mental Floss|

Judas Priest are screaming for vengeance and damages over a GAP t-shirt
that rips off their most famous album cover |Fark|

Party Tardis is just what The Doctor ordered |Daily What|

Apple Coasting Keynote (with Shooter McGavin) |College Humor|

Who Should Play The Mean Girls In Bravo’s Heathers Reboot? |Videogum|

Comedian Goes Above And Beyond For Anonymous Suicidal Fan |HuffPost Comedy|

Conan Auditions Wives a la Tom Cruise |Screen Junkies|

The Eight Most Annoying Enemy Types in Video Games |Unreality|

Lindsay Lohan Is A Damn Nightmare |IDLYITW|

11 Creepiest Smiles In Hollywood (Including Dennis Quaid) |Pajiba|

Friendzone: The Video |High Definite|

Ten Foolproof Ways to Make Your Post Grad Situation Sound Better Than Everyone Else’s |Brobible|

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FAN US on Facebook. SUBSCRIBE to the Frotcast.

I would watch The Vow if - and only if - these two were the stars

Come for C-Tates, Stay for that gif of Rachel McAdams’ butt

There’s something for everyone this week, assuming everyone wants either Tim & Eric or C-Tates.  If your tastes are more demanding, we’ve got vampires, werewolves, and zombies.  Also, there’s Christian Slater, a talking dog, a couple documentaries, some duplicitous lesbians, not Edgar Allan Poe, and a lady with some sharp teeth.

The DVDs:
Tim & Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie
The Vow
Underworld: Awakening
Mother’s Day
Playback
The Kreutzer Sonata
Norman Mailer: The American
Man In The Glass: The Dale Brown Story
Cinnamon
The Genesis Code
An Affirmative Act
Madison County
The Shock Labyrinth
Humans Vs. Zombies
Poe
Lady Of The Dark: Genesis Of The Serpent Vampire

Which are worth watching?  Read on to find out. (Spoiler alert: probably only Tim & Eric.) Click here for the hot streaming picks.

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Life is unfaaaaair...

This was the weekend John Carter finally opened, when we’d find out whether its huge budget (rumored to be $200 – $250 million- UPDATE: $350 million to make and market, according to the NY Times) was worth it or a waste, when we’d learn whether Disney’s “make sure everyone knows his name is John Carter!” marketing strategy worked (instead of perhaps pointing out that it was directed by the guy from Wall E and Finding Nemo and written by a Pulitzer Prize winner). Final tally? $30.6 million on 3,749 screens. Good enough for second place behind The Lorax and the fifth highest opening of 2012 (two of the top five being The Lorax), but low enough to still be considered “a huge disappointment.”

John Carter opened to an estimated $30.6 million from 3,749 locations. That’s lower than practically any similar movie, beginning with those that came out around the same time of year. It was obviously way off from 300 ($70.9 million) and Watchmen ($55.2 million)—what’s more concerning, though, is that it was even a tad below 10,000 B.C. ($35.9 million) and Battle: Los Angeles ($35.6 million), both of which were modest movies in comparison. [BoxOfficeMojo]

Ouch. Well, when you put it that way…

One of the big questions was why they changed the title from “John Carter of Mars” to just “John Carter,” which may not be the only reason for the disappointing box office, but certainly couldn’t have helped. Here’s what Andrew Stanton had to say:

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