On June 10th, the 11th annual Golden Trailer Awards will take place in Los Angeles, celebrating and rewarding the best trailers, television spots and posters in the film industry. Sounds cute right? And don’t get me wrong, I totally respect the effort that it must take to craft a good trailer, and yet at the same time I’m fully aware that MOVIE TRAILERS ARE DESIGNED TO TRICK YOU INTO WATCHING THE PIECE OF SH-T. It’s like having an awards ceremony for whoever sold their used car the best. “Hey kid, you like this 1990 Nissan Sentra? Well yeah, I know it looks like a c-ckblock on wheels, but I can promise you that you’re gonna’ love this car. Um nooo, that’s not a chunk of sh-t on the backseat, that’s a…um…that’s an emergency brake.”

From the Golden Trailer Awards official site:

Movie trailers play an increasingly important role in entertaining us and helping us determine where to spend our leisure time. The best trailers are works of art in their own right, expertly blending elements of cinema and advertising.

Each year through an open competition judged by film industry notables, the Golden Trailer Awards recognize the creative people who make movie trailers, and the best examples of their unique art, in a gala award show.

Did anyone else read that last paragraph as a Def Poetry Jam? Anyway, surprisingly the “film industry notables” they mention are kind of impressive from the last few years, but it still just feels like a fabricated awards ceremony thought up during someone’s coke binge. It gets stranger once you actually take a look at ALL 61 CATEGORIES for the event. Not sure what I’m talking about? Well, let’s take a look at a few of last year’s winning fart boxes, shall we?
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Opening this weekend:

Gran Torino
Watch this movie all you want, Clint Eastwood still thinks you’re a pussy.  He doesn’t care about the money.  The only thing that makes him happy these days is a good BM.

Bride Wars
Now that Anne Hathaway has gotten rave reviews for Rachel Getting Married, perhaps she won’t have to do any more spectacularly uninspired piles of monkey shit like this anymore.  You know what’d be way better than this? 

The Unborn
Movie looks shitty, but I give the poster two thumbs up.  Hey, wait a second, the synopsis says the ghost boy died in Auschwitz.  You see that?  They tried to Trojan horse a holocaust movie on us – inside some chick’s ass.  …I hope you guys all went to college because I’m throwing down some pretty erudite analysis around here these days.

Crappy movie actor Cam Gigandet (you may remember him as the bad guy in Never Back Down and Twilight) was spotted in L.A. recently wearing this felching, er, fetching kilt/argyle socks/man purse combo.  You may call him douchey, but I’ll have you know that his great great great grandfather was Irish or Scottish or English or something so it’s totally cool.

How is this movie related, you ask?  Well, Gigandet will be co-starring in The Unborn which opens January 9th and will suck because Cam Gigandet is in it.  (Awesome poster, though)

[via JustJared]

There’s something mesmerizing about this new poster for The Unborn, but I can’t quite put my finger in it. I mean on it.  I mean, I would like to put my penis inside of it.  I mean I could really go for some sodomy right now.  Crap, are you guys getting this?  I should really stop beating around the bush.  …shut up, I was already leaving.

Congratulations, Unborn poster maker guy.  You’ve successfully distracted me from that ridiculous kid in a dracula costume.  (The girl is Odette Yustman, in case you were wondering).  [via Empire]

Here’s the new “yellow band” trailer (for age appropriate audiences, whatever the hell that means) for The Unborn, yet another horror movie based around the idea that little kids whispering are creepy.  And oh hey look, there’s that little kid from Hancock again.  Seriously? It wasn’t enough to cast kids with horrible speech impediments, we had to find one with a misshapen head?  You just know that creepy lil’ f-cker’s gonna be starring in a gangbang with Screech and MiniMe in ten years.  Just say no to child actors.