For those of you who thought the 2010 film The Tooth Fairy, starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, was a little too Mr. Nanny and not enough Delta Farce, you’re in luck. Because on March 6, Tooth Fairy 2 is going to sock you in the jaw with hilarity, as Larry the Cable Guy will don the wings of the second greatest lie our parents ever told us. At least I assume that you were all told that Wilt Chamberlain was your real father, too.

The long-awaited sequel stars Larry the Cable Guy and… *stares blankly at full cast list on IMDB* some other people in the story of a – stop me if you’ve heard this before – hapless, immature redneck who tells a poor child that the Tooth Fairy doesn’t exist, and is punished by becoming the new Tooth Fairy. Perhaps the trailer’s tag line explains it best:

He didn’t ask for it… He wasn’t expecting it… And he’s not prepared for it.

So true. So incredibly true.

While I could use hundreds and probably thousands of words to break off into a rant that explains how the existence of this film – even while only as a straight to DVD production – depresses me beyond the point of sanity, I believe that this young child’s face sums up my reaction better than my words ever could…

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Well, folks, it’s mid-January, long considered the dumping ground for studios’ crap movies.  It’s stupid. They only do this because they’ve always done this. If they saved a good movie and opened it against a bunch of crap, it’d make a ton of money.  Whatever. At least Extraordinary Measures has contributed  “I ALREADY WORK AROUND THE CLOCK!!” to the world.  It’s the new “GET OFF MY PLANE!” or “GIMME BACK MY SON!”

Opening this weekend (trailers after the jump):

Extraordinary Measures
This looks good, but since I already know what happens from the trailer, I don’t think I’ll see it.  I also can’t think of Brendan Fraser doing anything else after seeing this gif.  (Thanks, Charlie Meadows)

Legion
Yes, it had an awesome trailer.  And the effects look great.  But it’s also tracking lower than the Tooth Fairy on rottentomatoes (13%). How do you make a fight between angels exciting?  There aren’t any consequences.  They’re already dead, what happens when you shoot them, they turn into a bat?

The Tooth Fairy
The Rock plays the tooth fairy.  Haha, it’s funny because it’s real life and not a bad joke, get it?  Look, I just wanna know how long it’s gonna be before a Samoan black guy in Hollywood can stop getting typecast as a hockey player.  It’s a shameful.

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After the jump, we have the first trailer for The Tooth Fairy, starring The Rock, written by our friend Randi “Mayhem” Singer.  On Loveline, Adam Carolla used to have a game called Ace’s Ranchero Music Accordion Challenge, in which the engineer would cue up a Ranchero music song, and the contestants would then place bets on how long it’d be into the song before the accordion kicked in.  We can play a similar game here with this trailer and The Rock getting hit in the balls. How long do you say?  A minute?  Two minutes? 30 seconds?   If you had 1:06, go to the head of the class.  This is all based on the constant: people getting hit in the crotch is to crappy movie trailers as accordions are to ranchero music.  Other fun things to look for:

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(Sorry, I didn’t have a picture of the actual screenwriter, and I just thought… oh nevermind.)

Folks, even with all the retarded crap I have to write about every day, it’s not often that I legitimately smack myself in the face whilst researching a story.  This was one of those stories.  It started with the news that Walden Media is producing Gene, a script from Randi Mayem Singer about… you guessed it, a male genie.  They call it “a modern take on the classic genie story.”  And in this context, I guess “modern” means that this time the genie’s not Shaq.  Now, if the name Randi Mayem Singer sounds familiar, it’s because she’s also responsible for:

• The Tooth Fairy, starring The Rock
• Big Momma’s House 3

But wait, it gets better!  Today I learned that she’s also working on — and gird your loins, because this may be one of the dumbest f’cking things I’ve ever had to type — a sitcom for The CW with Will and Jada Pinkett Smith called… M.I.L.F. and Cookies.  That’s right, “Mom I’d Like to F’ck and Cookies.”  If that doesn’t say family-friendly sitcom, I don’t know what does.  Description:

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Yep, this is real.  The Rock is starring in The Tooth Fairy, and this is the poster.  He’s wearing kneepads because this idea sucks d’ck.

[via LatinoReview]