OPENING THIS WEEKEND

Sex in the City
The reviews haven’t been so hot (and shockingly, there seems to be a gender divide).  Like it matters, you’re either going to see it or you’re not, and you probably knew the answer months ago.  One thing’s for certain though – if you used the term "Manolo Blahnik" at any point during your media coverage or review, congratulations on being an unoriginal queefstick.

The Strangers
"Inspired by a true story," they say. The story?  "The movie is inspired by an event from the director, Bryan Bertino’s, childhood. A stranger came to his home asking for someone. Later, he found out that empty homes in the neighborhood had been robbed. With that memory in mind, Bertino created this, his debut screenplay."  I don’t know who gets killed in the movie, but the meaning of a phrase got killed during marketing.  

Bigger Stronger Faster*
WithLeather had the review on this earlier this week.  It’s also tracking 100% recommended on RottenTomatoes, out of 24 reviews, which I think is good.  People often ask me if I’m on steroids, but sadly, my nuts have always looked like this. 

BDTV has some new clips from The Strangers, which was written and directed by masterful gaffer Bryan Bertino.  I just can’t suspend my disbelief of this movie.  I grew up with a cornfield in my backyard and I have no desire to put on a dollar store mask and hunt down city folk for He Who Walks Behind The Rows.

If people around here actually saw Liv Tyler’s character, their real reaction would be more like this:  "I have a plaid shirt just like that at home.  Wait, your name is Liv?  Well, that’s different.  Hey, your husband sure is a looker.  Good on ya.  Why yes, as a matter of fact, I do know where you can score some weed.  Just drive over to the Kum N Go when the night shift cashier is there.  The code phrase is Uff da."

I put two of these clips [courtesy of crackle] after the jump.  Roll that beautiful bean footage.  – RoboPanda

After the jump is an exclusive clip from The Strangers.

This was written and directed by Bryan Bertino, who you may remember as the dude who played "Smoking Guy" in Xtracurricular and "Soldier" in Waiting for Trains.  He was also the gaffer on Xtracurricular.  Is there anything this guy can’t do?  Besides make a movie I would want to see?

In the clip, The Strangers ram Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman’s car.  Why?  They were home. 

The premise of this movie, like so many horror movies, is that a bunch of rural people attack city folk for no reason other than because that’s how us rural folk do our thang.  And we wear masks we can’t see out of when we commit crimes.  It’s hard out here for a pimp. – RoboPanda

[source: joblo]

So, I know I photoshopped Nic Cage into this poster for The Strangers and all, but… did I really need to?  It might be the worst poster ever.  "We tell ourselves there’s nothing to fear but sometimes we’re wrong."  Wow, that’s about as ominous as a dude with a bag over his head.  Oh, I see you’ve got that one covered too.  But it’s based on a true story, so I guess it all makes sense now. 

Scariest part about this poster?  Liv Tyler’s photoshopped hands.  Seriously, what the hell is going on there.  It looks like they snagged those chubby mitts from a disco dancing Downs Syndrome.

Also, Nic Cage isn’t actually in this movie, in case you were confused about that.  What my banner picture presupposes is, maybe he should be?

[Source] 

The Strangers stars Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman, and opens in May.  And no, it’s not about that thing where you make your hand numb before you masturbate so you can pretend someone else is doing it.

According to the trailer, it was "inspired by true events."  The tagline’s unnecessary, since most horror movies are inspired by true events.  I bet George Romero was at his grandmother’s funeral thinking, "Man, wouldn’t it be cool if grandma came back to life and puked blood on my face?"  The masters can find inspiration anywhere.