(Hot damn, now that’s what I call a wild rumpus.)

Opening this weekend (trailers after the jump)

Where the Wild Things Are
Holy hell, am I hallucinating?  Is this movie actually finally coming out?  Excuse me while I jizz sperms of happiness.  It’s getting sort of mixed reviews, but most of the negative ones seem to be coming from a-holes I never agree with anyway, like Lou Lumenick and Mick LaSalle (this guy liked First Knight and trashed Braveheart, yet still has a job).  I won’t get to see it until probably Monday and I don’t want to be a bandwagon jumper, but with Spike Jonze, I say it’s awesome until proven otherwise.  I can’t wait.

Black Dynamite
Another one from the hell-yeah-it’s-about-freakin-time files. Though I still think the ending is dumb, aside from that it’s the best parody movie I’ve seen since the Naked Guns.  Michael Jai White is amazing.  In Obama’s America, I just know black kids are going to be leaving the theater cheering “Right on, right on, right on.”

Paranormal Activity
Expanding wide because of near-universally good reviews, will be easily the most profitable film of the year.  Why can’t this happen more often?  Instead we usually get Couples Retreat, which everyone knew was bad from the beginning.

Law Abiding Citizen
If Jamie Foxx and Gerard Butler are in a movie together and it was good, don’t you think we’d have heard a lot more about it?  These people have seen it.  I probably won’t.

The Stepfather
Ooh, a horror movie remake, this would be really exciting if I was 13.  And a dumbass.

New York, I Love You
Oh boy, twelve filmmakers, one of whom is Brett Ratner, direct a love letter to the city that never stops bragging about itself.  I imagine I’ll hate this as much as I hate people who say “only in New York!”, as much as I hated people in San Diego bragging about the weather.  You people realize they say “only in ____” in every GD city, right?  Except Irvine.  Read the rest of this entry »

From the director of the flipper-handed remake of Prom Night comes another remake, of The Stepfather.  It stars not Steve Gutenberg and Penn “I swear my parents gave me this gay-ass name” Badgley in film about oh Christ if you can’t already predict the entire plot the only thing you should be doing on the internet is buying a drool catcher.  Was this plot really that complicated that it had to be a remake?  “What if your stepdad… was evil?”  THAT’S THE ENTIRE MOVIE.  My only hope is that this is all a ruse to sell popcorn that makes you sterile.

RELATED ASYLUM POLL: What’s the most unnecessary horror film remake?