"Oi, cont. D'ya loike dags?"

Oi, conts. It’s da Stafe ‘ere, innit. Whoilst it wiz fun muckin’ about wiff Sloy Stallone an dem ovva geezahs in Da Expendabews, da Stafe is in da proime of ‘is loife, an’ ‘e don’t roide shotgun in some ovva cont’s sazz wagon for very long, now does Oy. Roight. So Oy ‘as got a fiwm a me own once again, and dis toime, some cont is killin’ coppahs, donnit. Turns out, da cont ‘as been running ’round London offin’ coppahs left and roight, an’ da ovva conts is wew ‘elpless to stop ‘im coz dey’s too busy pushin’ penciws an’ playin’ boy da fockin rules, now isn’ dey. Meanswhoilst, Da Stafe is a loose fockin cannon, oo ‘as been kicked off da force for knobbin’ too many fit birds and doin’ flash stunts on BMX boicycles, donnit. But da fing about a loose cannon is, whoilst ‘e moight knob ya girlfriend when ya’s not lookin’, dere’s nuffin bettah for blowin’ a cont’s ‘ead off, now is dere.
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I didn’t put much stock in it when it was just The Sun reporting it, but now multiple sites are mentioning broad-faced Victoria’s Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whitley as Megan Fox’s replacement in Transformers 3.  Deadline says she’s the front runner in a short list of three that also includes The House Bunny‘s Sarah Wright and Brooklyn “The Boner Fairy” Decker.  Huntington-Whiteley also just so happens to be Jason Statham’s girlfriend. Him being a friend of the site, I reached out to The Stath to see if he’d care to comment on the situation.

Oi, conts. Da Stafe heah, innit.  Oy ‘as come heah ta tew you about ‘ow oy feel about moy girlfriend starrin in a fiwm wiv dis cont, Moichael Baiy.  Fing is, it seems loike it wis only a few daiys ago dat Da Stafe wis foinally learnin da name ov da bird Oy’ve been knobbin’.  An’ now it seems loike evry cont’s wew focken curious about ‘er, now is dey?  Seems moy dahlin’ bird, whatshername (don’ remoind me, Oy ‘as got ta leahn dis some toime), is wew keen on starrin’ in dis movie about robots dat punch each ovvas whoilst disgoised as sazz wagons.  Furvamore, dis rowdy bloody focken sazz wagon punchin’ movie ‘as a directah, dis cont Moichael Bay, oo’s meant ta be wew fockin notorious for actin’ cheeky wiv da birds, makin’ dem shoine ‘is sazz wagons, an’ yellin’ an’ aw’ dat.  An’ evry’one wants ta know what da Stafe finks about da cont, now don’ Oy?

Roight. So da first toime Da Stafe met dis Moichael Bay cont, da cont droives up in a flash shoiny sazz wagon.  Only win Da Stafe sees da cont, Da Stafe finks it’s bird, on account uv da cont ‘avin shoiny focken ‘air flowin’ in da focken’ summah breeze loike Da Stafe’s sistah or somefin, innit.  Only boy da grace a God did Da Stafe realoize it weren’t a bird before ‘e knobbed ‘er.  But once Oy knew it wiz a bloke, a funny fing ‘appened, now didn’t it.  Da cont earned Da Stafe’s respect.  Da cont’s sazz wagon wiz wew shoiny, an’ besoides, Da Stafe especially knows ‘ow difficult birds kin be, donnit.  Ow ways askin’ a fousand focken questions, “Oi, Stafe, is da footy game almost ova?” “Oi, Stafe, when is oy gonna get anovva knobbin’?  “Oi, Stafe, oy ‘as cut me’sewf on your chisewed features again.”   Oo needs it.  Da Stafe figures if dis cont wiv da shoiny focken bird ‘air can taike a bird off Da Stafe’s ‘ands in between knobbins, an’ maiybe even teach da bird ‘ow not to ask so many questions, an’ ‘ow to propa shoyne a focken sazz wagon, so much da bettah, innit. Da sazz wagons ain’ gonna shoine demsewves, now is dey.

Oi, wakey wakey, ya cönts. It’s da Stafe eah, now isn’ Oy?  So dis is da trailah for moy new movie, Da Mechanic, donnit.  When da cönts told me about it, Oy found da concept well appealin.  Cuz wiffout a mechanic, dere’d be no one to fix da flash shoiny focken sazz wagons Oy’s always droivin round in, now is dey?  Oi, but da toype a mechanic Oy play in dis focken movie ain’t da toipe a cönt ‘oo stands round ow day shoinin ovva cönts’ sazz wagons, innit.  Roight, I play a cönt ‘oo solves problems.  Problems loike, “Oi, Stafe, dere’s a cönt standin onna dock ‘oo ain’t got enough focken speahs in ‘is leg,” or “‘elp us, Stafe, we’s got a fit bird eah ‘oo needs a knobbin.’”

An’ dat’s where da Stafe comes in, now doesn Oy?  Becos da fit birds ain’t gonna knob demselves, now is dey?  But if dey did, Oy reckon dat would make a pretty focken good movie as well, innit.  Fit Birds Knob Demselves, dey could call it.

[hat tip: /Film]

(Vinnie Jones with his wi– HOLY GOD WHAT’S THAT IN THE BACKGROUND?!)

Vinnie Jones took time out of his busy schedule of beating up chubby Mexican dudes recently to announce his intention to open a Snatch-themed bar in Santa Monica with his pal and fellow athlete-turned-actor Jason Statham. From HolyMoly:

“Me and Jay have been talking about it for about a year. We were thinking The Snatch Bar or something like that down in Santa Monica. We’re going to do it, it’s just a question of us finding the time.”

Naturally, we turn now to FilmDrunk regular The Stath for comment.

Oy, cunts.  Stafe ‘eah, donnit.  So da ovva day, Jonesy wiz ringin’ me fockin’ oiPhone off da ‘ook, now wasn’ ‘e?  Da trouble is, dem cunts ‘asn’t made da oiPhone’s touch screens very strong, now ‘as dey?  So aftah da Stafe broke frough four or foive a da cunts, oy fought I moight just meet da cunt in person, innit.  So den Jonesy rocks up, an ‘e’s loike, “Oy, Stafe, wot you fink about a fockin’ Snatch bah?”, innit.

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(video should be working now. if not, watch the version after the jump)

Oi, cunts, Da Stafe ‘eah.  Dis is da traila for moy new movie, Da Expendables, innit.  Oy’s playin a supportin’ role, but Da Stafe’s agent says dis is da film dat’s gonna show off Da Stafe’s “rainge as an actor”, donnit. To be honest, oy didn’t know what da cunt was on about. Turns out, it means dat in dis movie, oy’s ain’t takin moy fock’n shir’ off or droivin flash sazz wagons, an’ oy’s jus’ s’posta stand ’round loike a sad cunt whoilst da old geezah wiff da toight shir’ knobs aw da fit birds.  Oy reckon if a bird is choosin a plastic-lookin cunt loike dat when she could get propa knobbed by a fit bloke loike da Stafe, den dis film must be soyence fock’n fiction, innit. Roight.  So oy begged da geezah da let me roide a BMX boicycle or at least knob a few birds, but da cunt was just aw loike, “Ehhh err ugghhh eeeyyy ooohhh eehhh.”

Oi. ‘ow’s a cunt sposta understand a cunt if da cunt ain’ even speakin da queen’s, roight?    Da good news is dat dey give da Stafe ‘is own trailah, an’ fock’n seafood fock’n dinnahs ev’ry noight.  But wiffout sazz wagons or birds to knob or BMX boicycles, oi ‘ardly knew ‘oo oi was anymore.  Oy ‘ad ta do a few fousand pushups ‘an ‘eadbutt da cunt wiff da clipboard just ta feel loike moyself again, now didn’t oy.  Roight.  So go see da fock’n movie, because da Stafe ‘as propa suffered for it, now ‘asn’t oy.  An if oy don’ win da Oscah after da sacrifoices dat oy ‘as made, den we know dat dem cunts at da Oscahs is nuffin but worfless pikeys.

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