13 is a remake of the 2005 Georgian movie (red menace not red necks) 13 Tzameti, which takes the novel step of  bringing in the original director (Géla Babluani) to do the English language version. Long story short, it’s about competitive Russian Roulette, and seems to have been cast like a younger, hipper Expendables. There’s Jason Statham, Mickey Rourke, 50 Cent, UFC fighters Forrest Griffin and Don Frye (the Magnum PI of MMA), HBO dreamboats Alexander Skååårsgaåaååaaård and Michael Shannon, and Motherf*ckin’ Ray Winstone (his full name). But enough from me, let’s hear what The Stath has to say.

Oi, conts, it’s Da Stafe heah, isn’ Oy. As you kin see, Da Stafe stahs in dis new fiwm Firteen, which is about Russian Roullette or some bollocks. Sahdly, I don’ get ta kiw conts wiv a chair loike oy did in dat ovva movie. But it did give me do oppahtoonity ta weah a ravva fetching bowlah cap, innit. Whoy, Oy I fink Oy look propah sophistica’ed, don’ Oy, Tommy? Anyway, dis fiwm weren’t much of a stretch for da Stafe, because whoilst Da Stafe don’ normly play a lot of Russian Roullette, sometoimes Oy DO loike ta play a littew gaime Oy loike ta caw ‘Chatsworff roulette,’ where Da Stafe goes ta da focken Playboy Mansion, frows a point glahss inta da crowd, an’ den oy ‘as ta knob whicheva bird it ‘its, now ‘asn’t Oy. Sometoimes da birds come up and dey’s loike, “Oy, Stafe, whoy ‘as you ‘it me in da ‘ead wiff diss wew ‘eavy focken point glahss?” An’ den Oy is loike, “Wew, dahlin, if Da Stafe’s wew ‘eavy focken point glahss ‘adn’t ‘it yew in da skull, ‘ow would Da Stafe know dat you is da bird da Stafe is supposed to knob tonoight?’ An’ since dat is obviously a wew romantic fing ta say to a bird, aftah dat we usually knob in da back of moy sazz wagon. Moral a da story is, bein’ Da Stafe ain’t too focken bad, is it, Tommy.

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Clive Owen with a mustache! Robert Deniro with a beard!  Jason Statham with a chair! It’s the new trailer for Killer Elite, which ponders the question, “What would an action movie starring Clive Owen, Bob Deniro, and The Stath look like?” The answer, it seems, is “Like every other Statham movie.”  Specifically, punching, ‘splosions, and Jason Statham beating up Clive Owen with a chair while he’s still sitting on it.  For additional commentary, we go to FilmDrunk Special Correspondent, The Stath.

Roighto, conts.  Wew dis is Da Stafe’s new movie, now isn’ it.  If oy moight be so bowde as ta ask, wha’ else da you fink da puntahs moight loike ta know?  Da plot? Wew it ain’t exactly Merchant an’ Focken Oivory now is it, Tommy? Some conts ‘as gone an’ pissed off da Stafe, an now da Stafe ‘as to give ‘em a propah thrashin, now don’ Oy. A course, there’s also a few fit birds ta knob, cheeky conts ta wink at, an fockin foiry fings ta smash inta ovva foiry fings until dey fockin explode, now don’t dey?  Da knobbin’ birds paht is moy favrit paht, a course. Knobbin’ birds ‘elps give da Stafe strenff for delivrin’ thrashins’.  What was it loike ta work wiv Cloive Owen, you ask?  Wew dat’s a clevvah focken question, innit, Tommy?  Oy’s nevah fought about dat befoah today, now ‘as Oy?  Goal fockin stah for you, go to da ‘ead ov da clahss.  Oy’d say it was a rewarding focken experience, as Da Stafe ‘as always wondered wot it’d be loike to thrash a porn stah ta deaff wiv ‘is own leavvah jacket, now ‘asn’t Oy.  So dat wiz a dream come focken true, wasn’ it.  Roight, so den dis ovva, oldah cont in a beahd showed up, ‘e wiz meant ta play Da Stafe’s favah or somefin loike dat, an’ da puntahs wiz loike, ‘Oi, Stafe, don’ you recognoize dis bloke?’  An Oy wiz loike, Oi, ‘e looks familiah, but it don’ ring a fockin’ bew, now does it. Da Stafe loikes movies, but oy ain’ exactly Quen’in focken Tahrintino, now is Oy.

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Lord of the Rings/Game of Thrones actor Sean Bean has made a fine career out of looking like a guy who knows his way around a sword, but you know what they say, live by the sword, get stabbed in a bar fight by a drunk who insults your slutty girlfriend.  I think it was Martin Luther King who said that.

The row began when Mr Bean, 52, and April Summers – a glamour model who is 30 years his junior who had gone to the bar in North West London with him – were standing outside, having a cigarette.
Miss Summers – whose real name the Daily Mail understands is Nadia Foster – lives close to Mr Bean in the same area.
According to witnesses, a passer-by then made lewd comments about Miss Summers, a topless model who has appeared in a number of UK lads’ magazines as well as the Italian edition of Playboy.
As a result, Mr Bean followed the man down the road to challenge him.
Later in the evening, Mr Bean went out for another cigarette and was then  attacked by a man.
The star was said to have been stabbed in the arm – believed to be with a broken glass – and punched in the face, according to witnesses. Police were then called.
Mr Bean was said to have a cut arm and a bruised face, according to witnesses.
Bean declined to attend hospital. Instead, the star walked back into the bar and, after staff gave him aid from a first aid kit, ordered another drink.
‘He came in with a cut on his arm and a bruise on his eyebrow. We saw to his injuries with the first aid kit. He seemed ok and wanted to have another drink.’ [DailyMail]

A topless model, a bar fight, a guy who gets stabbed with a broken bottle and keeps drinkin’… I’ve never been, but based on this, I can’t help but conclude that London is exactly like a Jason Statham movie.  I hope Boromir kicked this guy’s ass while answering his own rhetorical sentences.  “Bloody hew, it appeahs dis cont ‘as stabbed me wiff a fractshewd grog bottew, now ‘asn’t ‘e.  Seems Oy ‘as got no choice but to smash him, do Oy, Tommy.”

…Yeah, yeah, I know you didn’t read anything after “Topless Model”. Daddy’s got you covered.

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As you kin see, Da Stafe is a wew-skiwwed negotia'ah

Oi, conts, Da Stafe eah.  Did yous miss me?  Wew da wait is ovva, cos Oy ‘as got a new movie comin’ out.  Foinally, yous wiw be able to watch da Stafe grimace, bash conts, spew cheeky one loinahs, and knob every fit bird wiffin a firty moile fock’n radius. Now, Oy know a lot of yous conts out theah is gonna say, “Oi, but Stafe, ‘asn’t you already done loike firty ovva movies wiff dis exact same plot?”

An to dose conts oy say, Oi, it’s a Stafe movie. Dey’s not exactly Merchant and Fock’n Oyvory now is dey?  You clevah conts wiw be ‘appy to note dat Da Stafe’s new fiwm, Blitz, distinguishes itself from aw previous Stafe fiwms boy da sheah fock’n numbah an’ variety of fings wiff which Da Stafe bashes conts.  As you’s can see, da list of fings which oy utilize to give conts’ ‘eads a wew good bashing includes, but is not fock’n limi’ed to: Da Stafe’s foot, Da Stafe’s Fore’ead, da curb, a basebaw bat, da door of a flash sazz wagon, a noight stick, a snookah cue, an ‘ammah, a gun, da bad cont’s own arms, a pistew, a proiceless antique vase, and a course, de ol’ stand boys, Da Stafe’s fists, Mahgrit an Caffrine.  And if dat weren’t enough to get your appetoight as wet as a fit bird’s muff when she sees da Stafe wiff moy shir’ off, Oy ‘as awso got a pair of wew angry fock’n pit bulls, now doesn’ Oy. Oy named dem “Sazz Wagon” and “Cont”.

"Oi, cont. D'ya loike dags?"

Oy loike pit bulls cos dey is ruffless fock’n bloody canoines dat cannot bet tamed, and wiffout question da flashest of aw dog breeds.  Dey is basically da Stafams of da animew kingdom Read the rest of this entry »

The international trailer for The Mechanic, starring Jason Statham in a remake of the 1972 Charles Bronson film, hit yesterday.  I wasn’t going to post it, because I thought I already had.  My mistake.  That was Blitz, this is The Mechanic.  Statham plays a hit man who teaches the hit man game to his young protege, Ben Foster.  The remake comes from Con Air director Simon West, so… you know… there’s that. I guess the bunny’s out of the box.

Said The Stath, when reached for comment, “Lately it seems loike Da Stafe is so busy, Oy ‘ardly ‘ave toime for knobbin’ fit birds!  Oy’s kiddin.  A course Oy’s knobbin birds.  Roight.  So in dis fiwm, dey caw Da Stafe ‘da mechanic,’ probably cos Oy’s always fixin’ fings. An also cos Oy’s always frowin a big fockin bloody wrench inta conts’ plans, now isn’ Oy.  When dey asked me ta do it, oy fought ta meself, ‘Oy. Stafe. Oo bettah ta troy an’ emulate den Mistah Chahles Bronson, da cont oo wiz knobbin’ birds an’ chewin’ da gyppo at age foive?‘  Da ovva fing dat appeawed ta me about it wiz dat dey told me Oy’d get ta stab some puntah inda leg wiff a speah, somefin’ Oy ‘as been on about since da Transporterah paht free.  So Oy told ‘em Da Stafe would do it, so long as oy got ta say,  ‘An dis toim… it’s personal, innit.’  Pretty flash, hey?  Da Stafe is a pushovah when it comes to clevah doyalogue.”

To complicate matters further, the trailer for 13 also hit today, and that stars Statham opposite Ray Winstone, Mickey Rourke, and 50 Cent, in a film about competitive Russian roulette.  …Yeah.

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