(video should be working now. if not, watch the version after the jump)
Oi, cunts, Da Stafe ‘eah. Dis is da traila for moy new movie, Da Expendables, innit. Oy’s playin a supportin’ role, but Da Stafe’s agent says dis is da film dat’s gonna show off Da Stafe’s “rainge as an actor”, donnit. To be honest, oy didn’t know what da cunt was on about. Turns out, it means dat in dis movie, oy’s ain’t takin moy fock’n shir’ off or droivin flash sazz wagons, an’ oy’s jus’ s’posta stand ’round loike a sad cunt whoilst da old geezah wiff da toight shir’ knobs aw da fit birds. Oy reckon if a bird is choosin a plastic-lookin cunt loike dat when she could get propa knobbed by a fit bloke loike da Stafe, den dis film must be soyence fock’n fiction, innit. Roight. So oy begged da geezah da let me roide a BMX boicycle or at least knob a few birds, but da cunt was just aw loike, “Ehhh err ugghhh eeeyyy ooohhh eehhh.”
Oi. ‘ow’s a cunt sposta understand a cunt if da cunt ain’ even speakin da queen’s, roight? Da good news is dat dey give da Stafe ‘is own trailah, an’ fock’n seafood fock’n dinnahs ev’ry noight. But wiffout sazz wagons or birds to knob or BMX boicycles, oi ‘ardly knew ‘oo oi was anymore. Oy ‘ad ta do a few fousand pushups ‘an ‘eadbutt da cunt wiff da clipboard just ta feel loike moyself again, now didn’t oy. Roight. So go see da fock’n movie, because da Stafe ‘as propa suffered for it, now ‘asn’t oy. An if oy don’ win da Oscah after da sacrifoices dat oy ‘as made, den we know dat dem cunts at da Oscahs is nuffin but worfless pikeys.
Jason Statham is in “final negotiations” with Lionsgate to star in Blitz, a cop thriller, opposite Paddy Considine in an adaptation of a book by Ken Bruen. Says Booklist (via Amazon):
Most of the hard-charging cops from The White Trilogy are back–Sergeant Brant, Chief Inspector Roberts, Police Constable Falls–along with a couple of late arrivals, Sergeant Porter Nash and PC McDonald. Slogging their way through a London unrecognizable from postcards, it’s a wonder any of them have survived both criminal mayhem and their own self-destructive impulses. A cop killer dubbed “The Blitz” is wreaking havoc with a hammer, and as the tale rockets forward, the characters find themselves engaged in unlikely alliances: homophobe Brant with openly gay Nash; suddenly supercompetent Roberts with screw-up McDonald; and the black Falls with “Metal,” a racist skinhead.
Oi, Staf heah. Dey’s changed da fock’n story a bit from dis, cos when da Staf does a movie, cunts’d be well woise to play to da Staf’s particula strenfs, donnit. Roight. So den in dis version, Oi play da skin’ead, Metal, on accoun’ a moy ‘airstoyle, an’ cos “Metal” is a fock’n flash name, innit. Den we changed da black fella to a fit bird oi’s knobbin, dis Ukranian model wif a well toight kit. Den we changed Sergeant Nash to a shoiny sazz wagon, cos da Stafe can’t very well knob a fit bird wiffout a sazz wagon ta do it on, now can Oy? Cunts. Den dey changed Sergeant Brant to da Staf’s boiceps, an’ PC McDonald to da Staf’s shir’, derefore, McDonald is no longa in da fock’n movie, now is dey. So oo does dat leave? Roight, da Chief Inspecta. As for da ‘Chief Inspecta,’ Oy fink Oy kin leave dat to you’s cunts imaginations, can’t Oy. Let’s just say in dis version, da ‘Chief Inspecta’ spends a lotta toime wif da black fella, donnit.
Robert Downey and Sam Jackson on the set of Iron Man 2. Oh I know, I was as excited as you are. |via FilmSchoolRejects|
Sam Jackson set to play a pirate negotiator. Said the actor “Why won’t these muthaf*ckin pirates, give my back my muthaf*ckin’ boat!” |Variety|
American Apparel CEO denies trying to smear Woody Allen. “I have deep respect for Mr. Allen who is a source of inspiration to me,” he insists. “The billboards and images from the Annie Hall movie were intended to be a parody/social statement and comedic satire to provoke discussion and public discourse about the baseless claims that had been made against American Apparel and myself, society’s reaction to lawsuits that delve into an individual’s private sexual life and the media’s sensationalism of such matters.” He’s totally right. As soon as I saw the billboard I said, “Hey guys, did you see that picture of Woody Allen with a beard? It’s funny because the American Apparel guy is innocent.” |Yahoo|
Jason Statham officially onboard for remake of Charles Bronson’s The Mechanic. Said the Stath “Oi, oy reckon after aw dis toime droivin’ round in flash sazz wagons, it wis about toime Da Stafe learnt ‘ow to fix ‘em, donnit.” |Empire|
Iron Man 2 to feature Gwyneth Paltrow in a dominatrix outfit. I guess that works, she’s clearly a ballbuster. I mean, she’s married to the guy from Coldplay, no one who still had his balls could make music like that. |Comicbookmovie|
Mickey Carroll, the last surviving Wizard of Oz munchkin dead at 85. Rest in peace, little guy. |source|
Director of Saw and Repo the Genetic Opera remaking Troma’s Mother’s Day. I can’t wait to avoid anyone who’s excited about this. |Variety|
Megan Fox promises not to be like that showboatin’ bitch Scarlett Johansson. I say we settle this via naked cat fight. Or by seeing who can go the longest without talking.. |People|
New posters for Transformers (via Yahoo), Inglourious Basterds, District 9 (via Yahoo), and Antichrist (via Horror.ca).
What are we looking at? That’s your browser window if you check out the new Crank 2 trailer at break.com. You see, because Crank 2 is SO EXTREME, the trailer takes over YOUR WHOLE BROWSER WINDOW and proceeds to BREAK STUFF! HUGH! I’d watch this trailer on the INSIDE of my HELMET while I did MOTORCROSS TRICKS, if only WEARING HELMETS wasn’t for PUSSIES. Maybe I’ll just TATTOO it on my EYELIDS. In the MEANTIME, I’ve got a KIDNEY STONE to pass, and it’s SHAPED like a NINJA STAR.
Moy naime es Chev Chelios, an’ todaiy’s da daiy oy…. tick tick tick… WHOOOOOOOAOOAOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOAAAAAAAOOOAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!
