The Sandlot is probably my favorite movie. Not my favorite kids’ movie, or my favorite sports movie, but my flat out favorite. I concede that it’s not a technical masterpiece like The Godfather or anything, but Jesus Backflipping Christ do I love it. Conservatively, I’d estimate that I’ve seen it thirty times. I’m capable of having absurdly in-depth, hour-long conversations about it, whether or not the person I am conversing with cares or technically exists. So, yeah, I’m a fan.

The first two Scene Breakdowns I did more or less mocked ridiculously over the top scenes from 3 Ninjas & The Rock. This one will be more of an ooey-gooey lovefest. The scene I picked, “The Challenge,” features the sandlot kids, led by their heavyset catcher Ham Porter, tossing insults back and forth with a group of rich kids before whupping them on the diamond. It is the third part of an incredibly strong four scene grouping, surrounded by Squints kissing Wendy Peffercorn at the pool, the Fourth of July Night Game, and the boys chewing tobacco at the fair and puking everywhere. That is a STRONG 15-20 minutes of movie magic, folks.

Before we get started, for any of you who want to die a little in your soul, there’s this: seeing as it was released in 1993, if it were a person, The Sandlot would now be old enough to buy cigarettes.

Guh. Let’s go.

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Marty York, best known for his role as Yeah Yeah in The Sandlot in ’93 and who last acted in ’97, was recently arrested for beating up his girlfriend.  Which would never have happened if we sent all former child actors to internment camps like I keep saying.

Sources tell TMZ York was driving with his girlfriend in Los Angeles when they got in a heated argument. York says his GF struck him with her high heel shoe and he retaliated by punching her in the eye, causing a cut. York says they drove home, where the argument continued. A neighbor saw the cut on the woman’s eye and called the cops.  York says, “She got violent and started attacking me in the car… it caused me to swerve all over the road… I almost crashed and got in an accident… so I backhanded her.”
[...]
York says he and his woman are officially “back together.” [TMZ]

Of course they are.  Honestly, if you date a guy with eyebrows that look like that, you deserve to get backhanded from time to time.  And if York wants to learn some self-control, maybe he should try a personality test down at his former co-star Patrick “Ham” Renna’s Scientology center in Los Feliz.  And then we could lock the doors from the outside and gas them.  Don’t look at me like that, you know you were thinkin it.

At this point, I feel I need no further evidence that child actors are the scourge of this nation and should be outlawed.  Nonetheless, it is my duty to direct your attention to the recent Boosh Magazine feature The Sandlot: Where are they now?

It would be hard for anyone to think Sandlot without reminiscing over the hot-tempered, crude, redheaded Ham Porter. He was the comic relief. But whatever happened to Patrick Renna? He has had bit parts in recent years on TV (Boston Legal, CSI, Judging Amy) as well as several small film roles on the likes of National Lampoon: Dorm Daze and Poor White Trash. Don’t worry, we haven’t seen them either. But most recently, Renna has taken the Tom Cruise route and opened a Scientology center in his community of Los Feliz.

Said Renna at of the event:

“Actors and musicians can create trends and be responsible for acts of kindness. On the other hand they can make people think that it is cool to be promiscuous and can glamorize heroin.”

If my only two options in life are believing people are possessed by the spirits of aliens expelled by a volcano or shooting heroin… saddle up that horse while daddy finds a vein.