Pictured: They don't know how she does it.

And now for your daily dose of easy Schadenfreude, the top 15 flops of 2011. While it’s easy and fun to tap dance on the grave of most of these ass piles (pour a little rum out for The Rum Diary – *I* liked it), remember: justice won’t truly be served until everyone involved in the making of New Year’s Eve gets shot out of a cannon.

1. Mars Needs Moms
Studio: Disney
Release Date: March 11, 2011
Budget: $150 million
Worldwide Gross: $39 million

2. Sucker Punch
Studio: Warner Bros.
Stars: Emily Browning, Abbie Cornish, Jena Malone, Vanessa Hudgens
Release Date: March 25, 2011
Budget: $82 million
Worldwide gross: $89.8 million

3. Arthur
Studio: Warner Bros.
Stars: Russell Brand, Helen Mirren, Jennifer Garner
Release Date: April 8, 2011
Budget: $40 million-plus
Worldwide Gross: $45.7 million

4. Green Lantern
Studio: Warner Bros.
Stars: Ryan Reynolds, Blake Lively
Release Date: June 17, 2011
Budget: $200 million
Worldwide Gross: $219.9 million

5. Cowboys & Aliens
Studio: DreamWorks/Universal
Stars: Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford
Release Date: July 29, 2011
Budget: $163 million
Worldwide Gross: $178.8

6. Glee: The 3D Concert Movie
Studio: Fox
Stars: Lea Michele, Chris Colfer, Darren Criss
Release Date: Aug. 12
Budget: $9 million
Worldwide Gross: $18.7 millon

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COME AT ME, BRO?

Opening in Theaters Everywhere: Puss in Boots, In Time, The Rum Diary, Anonymous, 13

FilmDrunk Suggests: Vince thinks you should all see The Rum Diary because he read a book once, ooh la la! (*does prissy dance*)

Puss in Boots

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 78% critics, 84% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“Who needs one traditional fairy tale when a spin-off of a send-up bearing its own genre influences – Puss, Kitty and Humpty as the Good, the Bad and the Ugly, reimagined as the Noble, the Suave and the Misguided – will do?” – William Goss, Film.com

“The lively romp is well-acted, cleverly written and vividly rendered, despite an over-the-top finale. Even the 3-D elements dazzle during swooping chases.” – Claudia Puig, USA Today

Armchair Analysis: I’m against anything that glorifies cats. They’re vile, selfish animals with no regard for loyalty or companionship. If I wanted a movie about animals in silly action sequences, I would remake The Last Starfighter with an all-dog cast and call it The Last Starbiter. I’m going to start working on the screenplay right now. See you all at Cannes!

Vince says: Isn’t it amazing that Pete Hammond got to see it before anyone else, AND they quote him three times in the commercial? What a coincidence!

I review plenty of film adaptations of beloved books, and when I do, I generally try to ignore the book altogether and consider the film on its own merits — it just seems the best and fairest way to do it. However, that’s impossible for me here. The Rum Diary is just too alive in my mind for it not to color my entire viewing experience. (Just so you know where we stand).

The first thing you have to know about The Rum Diary is that it’s a much different book than Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. In Fear and Loathing, Hunter S. Thompson was writing a stylized account of himself as an established journalist on a clear mission (to find the American Dream). The Rum Diary is a novel Thompson wrote when he was 22 (though not published until much later) and still trying to figure out his path in life. Where Fear and Loathing was specific, Rum Diary is crafted from broad strokes. It isn’t particularly plot-driven, and succeeds largely on the strength of the themes and on Hunter’s prose. In fact, despite it being one of my favorite books, I don’t think I could’ve told you much about the plot or any of the characters going in. What had stayed with me was that it was about a 20-something year-old writer terrified of getting old and selling out, written by that same 20-something-year old writer, and read by me, when I was– well, I think you can fill in the rest. An equally scary prospect was selling out’s alternative, sticking to your principles only to have them make you nothing but poor and embittered.

“No matter how much I wanted all those things that I needed money to buy, there was some devilish current pushing me off in another direction – toward anarchy and poverty and craziness. That maddening delusion that a man can lead a decent life without hiring himself out as a Judas Goat.”

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(Click for full size)

Here we have Johnny Depp’s face Photshopped onto someone’s body (here’s a close-up of his neck — you tell me what it looks like) in the final poster for The Rum Diary. Bruce Robinson’s adaptation of Hunter S. Thompson’s book opens October 28th. It’s a pretty cool poster, what with the spilled fish bowl and ocean of mini bottles covering the floor (though, again, I must point out, it could use more lizard tail). BUT. …I’m having a hard time focusing on anything other than Depp’s boxer shorts. Jesus Christ, were boxer shorts actually that big in the Eisenhower era? What are you supposed to wear over those, a onesie? They’re covering his goddamn belly button. There must be 18 inches of crotch seam (worst. porno. ever.).

Which reminds me — hey, hipsters, stop trying to make high waists happen. It’s not cute, or clever, or retro, or fashion forward, it’s just horribly unattractive. Probably the most unflattering look ever devised, in fact. I’m glad you’re a unique flower, but now your ass looks long and flat like a grandma centaur. And that is a very specific fetish, I assure you.

Bruce Robinson’s adaptation of Hunter S. Thompson’s Rum Diary finally hits theaters October 28th, after beginning filming two years ago. It promises to win Johnny Depp just enough goodwill that you can’t fully hate him when he shows up in the next Bruckheimer turd. I guess I can’t blame him for that. Anyway, today we’ve got 20 new pictures and two new clips, the first starring Amber Heard (HOT LESBIAN ALERT) as Chenault, when she first meets Thompson’s Paul Kemp while skinny dipping.

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