"Sup with the economy, bro?"

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is currently out doing publicity, both for his new family movie Journey 2: The Mysterious Island and for his upcoming summer film G.I. Joe: Retaliation. As part of this push, he recently sat down for an interview with Moviefone, which is notable mainly for this passage:

Well you can reciprocate by telling me how you found out about Bin Laden’s demise before anyone else?

If I tell you that, I won’t have to “kill” you, but I’ll have to behead you — no, I got my sources. I got friends in high places and low places. It was a very interesting day; I’m proud of our country and proud to be American. The individuals who were there were proud to let me know. I knew the President was going to give his speech; I thought he was going to give it at a certain time and so I thought, “I think it’s appropriate that I tweet ‘I’m damn proud to be an American’” and keep it in that space without giving away too much information. And then I got a call saying, “Now the President will give his speech in a couple of hours.” So we had about two hours of Rock tweets out there [Laughs].

Between that, and playing Obama on “SNL,” what will it take to get you to move into the political field?

Right now the best way that I can impact the world is through entertainment. One day, and that day will come, I can impact the world through politics. The great news is that I am American, therefore I can become President. But don’t forget: I am G.I. Joe.

Yes. YES. I would vote for The Rock for president so hard that people outside the polling booth would probably call the police. Think about it. Who the hell is going to mess with a country that elected The Rock president? I just Googled Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s height (NOTE: I love blogging), and the best guess is anywhere from 5’4″-5’6″. The Rock, on the other hand, is 6’4″ and he is a badass and he works out six times a day and he tags all his tweets with stuff like #bootstoasses and he would be THE BEST PRESIDENT. Point: AMERICA. Hell, the State of the Union Address could just be five minutes of sternly worded threats to his political opponents followed by a screening of Fast Five, and anyone who didn’t like it could COME TO THE OVAL OFFICE AND GET SOME.

Yes, this is a terrific thing that must happen. It’s not like we haven’t elected an actor or professional wrestler to political office before. That door has already been opened by people like Ronald Reagan, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Jesse Ventura. Now it’s time to kick that mother off its hinges.

"COME AT ME, BRO! I DARE YOU TO KISS ME!"

As a writer of Vin Diesel fan-fiction, it’s very important for me to stay abreast of all diesel happenings in the world of Vin Diesel, and this one’s a doozy. While he waits to see if Fast Five will indeed get that Oscar nod he believes it so richly deserves, Diesel spoke to the Hollywood Reporter for their “Rulebreakers 2011″ feature. No word on what rule he broke, but I’m going to assume socks with sandals. There, he told reporters that plans for 6 Fast 6 Furious just naturally turned into plans to shoot it back to back with 7ast and 7urious, because the story just couldn’t be contained, much like The Rock’s shiny biceps in that rashguard.

With the success of this last one, and the inclusion of so many characters, and the broadening of scope, when we were sitting down to figure out what would fit into the real estate of number six, we didn’t have enough space,” Diesel told THR
Apart from reuniting supporting characters from previous movies, it added star power in the form of Dwayne Johnson. A coda at the end of the movie teases the return of a character played by Eva Mendes last seen in 2 Fast 2 Furious as well as the return of Michelle Rodriguez.
“We have to pay off this story, we have to service all of these character relationships, and when we started mapping all that out it just went beyond 110 pages,” Diesel explained. “The studio said, ‘You can’t fit all that story in one damn movie!’”

IT’S TOO MUCH DIESEL, CAPTAIN! THE REACTOR WON’T HOLD! THIS IS A LONGSHOT, BUT MAYBE IF WE REVERSE THE POLARITY, IT COULD NEUTRALIZE THE HOMOEROTICISM! IT’S OUR ONLY HOPE! (*chugs Red Bull*)

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After the jump, I’ve got the trailer for GI Joe 2: Retaliation, starring The Rock and Channing Tatum, the hardest mumbling wigger in show business. If that weren’t enough, it also stars Bruce Willis and a chick who kind of looks like Michelle Rodriguez! The gang’s all here! Except for director Stephen Sommers! He was replaced on this installment by Jon M. Chu, director of Step Ups 2 Tha Streets and 3D, as well as Justin Bieber Never Say Never, which makes it likely this sequel will be even more danceable than the original! Let’s C-Walk to ground zero!

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Let’s get one thing straight: there’s about a 90% chance that this movie will never happen. That said, it’s still a terrifying window into the mind of the two former Twilight producers trying to make it happen (Marty Bowen and Wyck Godfrey). The story: Twitch reports that six-foot-five The Rock is in negotiations to play Goliath, while the offer has already gone out to five-foot-ten Taylor Lautner to play David, in an adaptation of that famous story from the Old Testament, Fake Wrestler and the Twink.

Here’s the synopsis from when the project was first announced in January (said to be in the “spirit” of Bourne and 300, natch):

The story is set in motion when the fierce warrior Goliath is sent to track down a foretold king of the Israelites. A young shepherd David is thrust into an epic chase and adventure fighting for his own life…

EPIC CHASE! ADVENTURE FIGHTING! If that isn’t a fancy way of saying parkour, I’ll wash off this Vaseline.

…the lives of his loved ones and eventually the lives of his people. The story climaxes in a battle of literal Biblical proportions between the young man and the giant sent to destroy him.

LITERAL BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS. Holy sh*t. I can’t tell if that means “really big” (A MEAL FIT FOR A DEITY!), or if it means they’re going to try to feed 5,000 people with two fish. I bet they meant the first, but the reality will be more like the second.

(*deep breath*)  AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
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AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…

Vin Diesel said he resents the idea that “Fast Five” is only a popcorn movie. The actor, not one for false modesty, said he believes the movie has a legitimate shot at an Academy Award nomination.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if there is some Oscar talk around this. I don’t know, maybe I’m just biting off what some guy from Channel 7 thought,” he said with a chuckle. “But sooner or later, people are gonna say, ‘Wait a minute, just because they are for the working class doesn’t mean they’re not great.’” [LA Times]

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…. (*catches breath, attempts to collect self, mops brow with monogrammed hankie*)

Vin Diesel is right, you know. Movies about the working class always get the shaft. In fact, Colin Firth expressed much the same sentiment after starring in Death Lorrie 7, back when his name was still Sir Reginald von Fuel Injection. It wasn’t until he played a stuttering king that the Academy took notice.  But someday, those old fogies are bound to loosen up, even if it takes Sinbad sleeping over at every one of their houses.  Until then, Fast Five will just have to be content to collect its MTV Movie Award for “Most Come At Me, Bro,” and “Coolest Asian” for Sung Kang’s portrayal of “Han Seoul-Oh.”  Oh man.  I have to go lie down. I think I’ve given myself sarcasm poisoning.