(I used to make my Hitler and Harry Potter dolls kiss. Naughty!)
One of the producers of dyslexic Nazi drama The Reader is set to produce a biopic about Eva Braun, the girl who rode Hitler’s mustache all the way to a Russian mortar shell.
Michael Simon de Normier has optioned the film rights to the new biography “Eva Braun Life with Hitler.” which provides a radically different portrayal of the Fuehrer’s mistress.
“She was not the little dumb blond that she is usually shown to be,” author Heike Goertemaker told The Hollywood Reporter. “She was a key member of Hitler’s inner circle and an important part of the Nazi propaganda machine.”
De Normier said he is currently scouting for a director and screenwriter, and hopes the film will be an international production budgeted in the $20 million-$30 million range. He is also planning an English-language adaptation of the book. [Reuters]
I hope there’ll be love scenes. Ja, ja, take mein schvanz greedily, like eina dirty juden. Jawol, mein fuhrer, invade mein fotze like Poland. What? I can’t make Nazi sex jokes now? Anyway, I’m thinking the front runner for this part has to be Katherine Heigl. Something about that bitch just screams “I’d bang Hitler.”
What can I say, folks, I consider it a good day any time I get to use “vag” in the headline. The occasion is a story about The Reader, in which Kate Winslet had a nude scene like she always does. And as she told Allure, she had grow out her beef whiskers in order for her chatch to look more period-appropriate. …
Winslet tells Allure in the June issue that when filming “The Reader,” she had to grow in the hair “down there,” so to speak. She tells Allure, “because of years of waxing, as all of us girls know, it doesn’t come back quite the way it used to. They even made me a merkin because they were so concerned that I might not be able to grow enough.” [MSNBC]
Wigs or no wigs, It’s a good thing they got it right. I can totally picture myself standing up in the theater yelling, “EXCUSE ME, THIS DYSLEXIC NAZI’S PUSSY ISN’T HAIRY ENOUGH!” But I do that at most movies.
With Valkyrie (trailer, review), The Reader, Adam Resurrected (“the story of a man who once was a dog who meets a dog who once was a boy.”), Defiance, Good, and The Boy in the Striped Pajamas all hitting theaters and making headlines around the same time, it’s hard to know just which holocaust movie to see when you really need to masturbate never forget important historical epochs. Luckily, NY Mag has put together this handy flow chart. Click here for the answers. I’m a little disappointed they didn’t mention Defiance’s ridiculous Dracula accents. I mean, I hate Nazis as much as the next guy, but don’t make me choose between them and vampires.
Marley & Me remained “top dog” at the box office and came in “best in show” with $21 million over the weekend. Bedtime Stories number two even though everyone agrees how much it sucks, Curious Case of Benjamin Button number three, nothing new came out this weekend, blah blah blah who cares (full top ten after the jump).
In a season loaded with wartime stories, two more Nazi-themed films opened in limited release. Paramount Vantage’s “Defiance” debuted with $121,000 in two theaters for a whopping average of $60,500 a cinema.
ThinkFilm’s “Good” opened with $9,300 in two theaters, averaging $4,650. The film casts Viggo Mortensen as an upright German academic gradually seduced into the Nazi fold as World War II approaches.
Meanwhile Valkyrie has been out for two weeks and The Reader opens in a week. It reminds me of that book my mom used to read to me when I was a little kid, The Day of Too Many Nazis! On that note, I don’t know where these pictures came from, but I love them. If you have any pictures I can use in lieu of having anything intelligent to contribute to boring stories, feel free to send them on over.
Weekend Preview is back this week by popular demand because I’m finally not too lazy to finish writing it. Click on titles to watch trailers.
Opening this week:
The Day the Earth Stood Still
Keanu Reeves has been waiting his whole career to play an emotionless alien. All the critics say it sucks but mark my words, before the year is out, a celebrity will name their baby “Klaatu”.
Delgo
This looks f-cking terrifying. Modeling all the aliens after Liza Minnelli probably wasn’t the best idea.
Nothing Like the Holidays
Debra Messing goes home for the holidays to meet her new Puerto Rican in-laws. Who directed this, Tylermo Perez? I still say it needs más Trejo. Somewhere, Lou Dobbs is pissed they took “Christmas” out of the title.
The Reader
See Ralph Fiennes track down the SS officer he had an affair with! See the film that spawned a thousand Jew fights! …As long as you live in New York or LA.
Gran Torino
See Clint Eastwood befriend an Asian! Hear him sing! …But again, only if you live in New York or LA. Everyone else can suck rocks.
Doubt
Philip Seymour Hoffman and Meryl Streep are priests and nuns. Hoffmour may or may not have diddled someone. …I said. I want you to act me. as hard. as you can. …But again, only if you live in NY or LA. Sorry for the inconvenience.
Che
If you live in New York or LA, you can see Benicio Del Tor- oh who even cares.
