A couple weeks ago on the Frotcast, we held our Fantasy Summer Box Office Draft. I chose The Raven as my bomb pick, for which we count budget minus opening weekend gross (domestic box office). I wasn’t feeling that confident about my choice, if only because the budget was only $26 million. I’m still not feeling that confident about it (especially compared to $200 million-plus movies like Battleship). But luckily for me, The Raven still managed to suck-ceed all suckpectations. (Sorry, the other critics stole all the good Raven puns). Even on a crappy weekend, it managed to make less than any of the other new releases, including that Jason Statham movie with the little Asian girl. “Oi, she’w come wiv me if she wants to live, now won’ she, Tommy.”

The Raven came in last place among the newcomers with an estimated $7.25 million. It opened lower than nearly all comparable movies, including director James McTeigue’s V for Vendetta ($23.1 million) and 2001′s period serial killer movie From Hell ($11 million).

I love the idea that there are “comparable” movies. Why not Identity? That also looked like it had been written by Charlie Kaufman’s retarded brother from Adaptation, or 1408, another crappy thriller starring John Cusack? Which brings me to my next point, John Cusack has been in a lot of crappy movies.

Think Like a Man fell 47 percent to an estimated $18 million. Through ten days in theaters, the movie has already made $60.9 million, which makes it the highest-grossing movie from April 2012 ahead of Titanic 3D ($56.3 million).

Poor James Cameron may have to switch to bundles fifties for toilet paper. God help him if he gets down to twenties, those make him chafe.

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"It's a raven. Get it?"

Opening Sesame: The Raven, Safe, The Five Year Engagement

FilmDrunk Suggests: Maybe stop depending on us and make a decision on your own for once. Brenda left you because you’re too clingy.

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When I started my Guide to ‘Quoth the Raven’ Puns in Reviews of The Raven yesterday, you didn’t think that would be the end of it, did you? Because in the 24 hours since I posted part one, plenty more puns have come a rapping, rapping at my chamber door. Yes, I mean actually rapping, like Jay-Z. What else would you expect from a movie that portrays the famous poet, critic, and essayist Edgar Allen Poe shouting, “I’LL SEND YOU TO HELL!” in a TV commercial? I love America.

COME AT ME, POE!

Conspicuously lacking mystery, suspense and poetry. Quoth “The Raven,” this is a bore. -Boston Herald.

Quoth this critic: It’s a bore. -OneGuysOpinion

To this non-poetic 2012 rendering of The Raven, we might all be tempted to, um, quoth, “Nevermore.” -Doddle

I can think of a dozen novels that make this kind of page-turning escapism pop. When will somebody film “The Alienist”? And don’t tell me, “Nevermore.” -St. Paul Press

The steampunk-action genre may be played out. Quoth the audience, “Nevermore.” -BostonGlobe

Let’s just hope the “nevermore” part of Poe’s original writing applies to any notion of “The Raven 2,” “Son of the Raven” or “That’s So Raven the Movie.” -ScreenIt

‘Raven’ leaves us weak and weary. -JamMovies

Pondering weak and weary, indeed. -St. Paul Press

Too many a midnight dreary in ‘The Raven’ -BostonGlobe

Once upon a movie dreary. -Washington Post

‘The Raven’ has Cusack’s Poe swinging like a pendulum. -LA Times

And in case you missed it, here are yesterday’s entries:

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The Raven, starring John Cusack, opens this weekend, and if you haven’t heard anything about it, the fabulously idiotic premise is that on the eve of his death, Edgar Allen Poe has to help police stop a serial killer who’s been referencing Poe’s stories in his murders. Why does a cranky old goth poet like Poe care? BECAUSE THEY’VE GOT HIS GIRLFRIEND, of course! Yes, it sounds like something Charlie Kaufman’s retarded brother Donald from Adaptation would’ve written. The review embargo was lifted today, and as you might imagine, the temptation for critics to make Poe puns was just too strong. By far the most common was a play on “Quoth the raven.” In my own coverage, I went with the kitschier but equally obvious joke “that’s so Raven.”

Here’s what we’ve got so far (I expect more to pour in as the day progresses, please email if you spot one):

Review: Quoth ‘The Raven,’ what a bore -AP

Quoth the raven: “Eh.” -Chicago Tribune

Quoth the raven “I’ve seen better”. -MeMovies

Quoth The Raven, “Ever Meh.” -Portland Mercury

Quoth the Raven, “Wait for rental.” -BlueNeurosis

Quoth This ‘Raven’: Ever-Bore -MSN Movies

Quoth the raven, “Go see something else.” -AP

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THIS WEEK IN POSTERS: Okay, I don’t like to bore you guys with too much of the behind-the-scenes around these parts, but just to clarify, I wasn’t lying when I said that I was moving this feature to Wednesdays. It’s just that I wrote up the whole thing Wednesday, hit ‘Publish,’ and instead of actually publishing, the entire post decided to disappear. Which was super convenient, since this post takes longer than half a week’s posts combined. So that was awesome for me. But again, look for This Week in Posters and Stills on Wednesdays. I’ll do my best to grab all the latest posters, one-sheets, set photos, promo stills and the occasional trailer where applicable, in the hopes of giving you a nice overview of the films that are out there, accompanied by my usual smartass captions to help the pill go down. PHEW! We clear now? Good.

DARK SHADOWS: Here’s the first of a big new batch of character posters from Tim Burton’s Dark Shadows. The consensus seems to be that this looks terrible (and generally speaking, trying to adapt cult stuff from 50 years ago that’s already been referenced many times since is a recipe for disaster), but… if you ask me, Dark Shadows looks better than most of Burton’s other recent output. I’ll take this over Frankweenie, for instance. I mean, everyone has super pale skin and ghostly lips, but… at least they’re not desaturated with occasional pops of red this time, right? Baby steps. As long as we view all future Tim Burton projects only in the context of other Tim Burton projects, he should be fine.

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