(I was trying to get a screencap of Sandra Bullock looking really retarded, but I couldn’t do any better than the actual poster)

According to a recent poll of theater owners, 2009 was the year when Sandra Bullock swooped down and stole America’s heart like an eagle stealing a BlackBerry.

In the eyes of U.S. movie theater owners, Sandra Bullock shined as 2009′s top Hollywood star at the boxoffice.  Quigley Publishing Co.’s annual list released on Thursday of top money making stars, based on a poll of hundreds of theater executives, had Bullock beating out such stars as George Clooney and Denzel Washington, on the strength of her roles in “The Proposal” and “The Blind Side.”
List does not rank stars only on how much cash their films made, but on what theater owners say about who attracts audiences on their star power alone.
For instance, “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” was the top movie at U.S. and Canada boxoffices in 2009 with more than $400 million, but many in Hollywood attribute that to the appeal of the franchise itself and the toys it’s based on.
“Public Enemies” star Johnny Depp came in at No. 2 on Quigley’s top 10 list, followed by Matt Damon, George Clooney, Robert Downey Jr., Tom Hanks, Meryl Streep, Brad Pitt, Shia LaBeouf and Denzel Washington. [THR]

Sandra Bullock is so thoroughly unspectacular that you couldn’t possibly have an opinion about this.  Remember that South Park episode where the boys get diagnosed with ADHD and put on Ritalin, and the next thing you know they’re at a Phil Collins concert?  Sandra Bullock’s movies are like that.

Hey, gang, here’s a new segment in which I review movies you might see on an airplane. Because that’s where I saw them, get it? And just in time for the holidays, right? I thought so.

Even on Virgin America, the selection of films available on the plane isn’t always that great.  And once I was finished with 500 Days of Summer, that was pretty much it for movies I was actually interested in seeing.  The next best thing was The Proposal, which I always thought looked like a terrible rom-com, but made a ton of money, got decent reviews (especially from Pete Hammond) and even garnered a Golden Globe nomination for Sandra Bullock.  Maybe I was wrong?

So Sandra Bullock is Ryan Reynolds’ boss, a powerful New York book editor.  Of course she’s not just a bitch, she’s a caricature of “the bitch.”  She never smiles, she’s mean to everyone, and she hates puppy dogs.  (I’m not exaggerating that last part for effect, her character actually hates puppy dogs, even ones that looks like this.  Because subtlety is for fags.)  She’s Canadian (really? a super bitchy Canadian?), and just when she’s about to score a huge promotion, her Visa gets denied and she’s about to get deported.   She’s on the verge of losing the position she’s sacrificed friends, family, and a social life for (*RECORD SCRATCH*) unless, she can strongarm her assistant into this sham marriage thing.  And that is, as they say, The Proposal.

Read the rest of this entry »

(“Film of the century!” declared Retard Pig)

The Oscar vote is a little more complicated this year now with 10 choices for Best Picture instead of five, so I can understand how an academy member might be overwhelmed.  But that’s no excuse for doing what one did, which was apparently to ask Pete effing Hammond for advice.  Hammond writes:

The other day I got a call from an academy member who had just received a list of October entries in the official academy member weekend screening series. She asked if I thought particular titles she had never even heard of were worth checking out. Those included “We Live in Public,” a documentary about the Internet; “Disgrace,” a barely released post-apartheid drama; “Good Hair,” a Chris Rock riff on African American hairstyles; “Bronson,” a violent prison drama about a guy whose altar-ego is the actor Charles Bronson; “Gentlemen Broncos,” a teen comedy; “Astro Boy,” an animated film based on an old TV cartoon series; the multi-segmented ”New York I Love You” and a horror film, “Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant.”  None of these movies are likely to be found on any pundits list of potential Oscar contenders. [LaTimes via MovieLine]

No arguments there, at least if he’s only talking about Best Picture.  But keep in mind, Pete Hammond is eFilmcritic’s 2008 Whore of the Year, one of those sham critics whose quotes you see in horrible movie trailers and think, “Who the hell would’ve had the balls to admit liking that out loud, let alone in print?”  Pete Hammond is that guy.

Read the rest of this entry »

(Haha, get it?  Women be shoppin’ and men be hatin’ commitment! It’s funny ’cause it’s true!)

The Proposal earned $34 million to land a big number one on the box office chart, despite looking like a lame mashup of every crappy romantic comedy ever.  They make this movie once a month.  The only thing good about this one was that it didn’t have Kate Hudson or Matthew McConaughey in it.

The Hangover was number two with $26.9 million, only declining 18% from last weekend and holding better than just about any movie in recent memory (again, that’s movie blogger code for “I don’t want to look it up”).  So far it’s made almost $153 million on a $35 million budget, which is good news for anyone who wants to make or see an R-rated comedy.  The bad news is that without Todd Phillips and Zach Galifianakis, The Hangover would basically have been an Entourage episode.  So what’ll happen now is, they’ll greenlight a bunch of pandering, “raunchy” comedies which will suck (think American Pie sequels) and won’t make money, and then we’ll be right back to it being hard to make R-rated comedy again.  Also?  We’re all gonna be dead in 40 years anyway.  Happy Monday!

(full top 10 below)

Read the rest of this entry »

(Haven’t you heard?  It’s super lazy Photoshop Friday.)

Opening this weekend:

Year One
Jack Black and Michael Cera are cavemen, David Cross is Cain.  Seeing some bad reviews for this, and sure, I could’ve done without Harold Ramis planting the camera an inch from everyone’s face, and the endings of a couple scenes apparently never made it to the final cut… But whatever, it had its moments.  “You know what the best part of Sodom is?  The sodomy.”

The Proposal
Director Anne Fletcher’s long awaited follow up to 27 Dresses.  Two attractive people forced together by circumstance?  I wonder what will happen! She has to pretend to be attracted to Ryan Reynolds?  Ew, his chiseled features and washboard abs are so icky!  These romantic comedies are so unpredictable.  Betty White’s in it too.  Get it?  It’s funny because she’s old.

Whatever Works
Woody Allen directs Larry David.  I wonder if it’s about being neurotic and Jewish.