Opening this weekend (click titles for trailer):

Kung Fu Panda
Jack Black plays a panda, because Jack Black is fat and pandas are also fat.  The panda does kung fu because pandas are from China and kung fu is also from China.  Get it?  Did we lose anyone?  Also, they use the song "Kung Fu Fighting" in the trailer.  I thought that was clever. I also heard the shooting schedule was "Eat, Shoot, Leave."  Ha! Get it? If not, click here.

You Don’t Mess with the Zohan
Hey! You know what’s a better idea than this?  Anything.

The Go-Getter
In the movies, you can steal Zooey Deschanel’s car and it leads to romance and adventure.  In real life, you steal her underwear and she acts like you’re Jeffrey Dahmer or something.  Jeez, bitch, haven’t you heard making a doll out of someone’s pubic hair is the sincerest form of flattery? 

The Promotion
A comedy starring John C. Reilly and Stifler as two competing grocery store managers.  Reviews are all over the map for this one.  Given the stars and the material, it’s a wonder that we’ve barely heard about it.  Someone at the studio must really hate it.  Meanwhile, someone in Seattle loves me.  Got the teddy bear to prove it.   

Mongol
Word on the street seems to be that this is boring, but Mongols are my third favorite historical group behind Vikings and Pirates.  Least favorite?  Still Hare Krishnas.

^{WATCH THE TRAILER FOR THE PROMOTION AFTER THE JUMP} 

The Promotion stars John C. Reilly and the Stiffmeister as two assistant managers of a corporate grocery store vying for the same job.  It also has Jenna Fischer reprising her role as Cutie McPretty and one of the better SNL castmembers, Fred Armisen.

Written and directed by Steve Conrad, who previously wrote The Pursuit of Happyness and The Weather Man, The Promotion premiered to mixed reviews at SXSW.  And by mixed I mean people said everything from “Add watching "The Promotion" to the Geneva Conventions’ list of humanitarian abuses,” to “a fantastic little comedy, filled with all sorts of weird little moments and strange diversions.”

I haven’t seen it, but I will say this: John C. Reilly really looks like a Shar Pei. And by that I mean I want to take him home and snuggle.  Uh, I mean, I want him to lick peanut butter off my nuts. Wait, no, I mean I want him to, uh, keep me company.  …I’m so lonely.

Playback was choppy for me on this clip – if it’s not working right, you can also watch it here