I’m seeing The Green Lantern tonight and I am P-U-M-P-E-D.  Dude, when he says that oath about, like, being good, and protecting the earth from aliens and stuff?  Goosebump city.  It’s nice to see The Onion News Network giving it the serious coverage it deserves.

“Warner Brothers say the movie will remain faithful to the comic books, adapting a classic plotline in which the Green Lantern encounters a conflict and overcomes it using his lantern powers.”

“It really is a story that unites all of us. Young man, living his life, when suddenly… boom. He’s the Green Lantern, and he’s forced to deal with something.”

“Buzz is building about the films stars, such as Blake Lively, whose name seems to be floating to the top of lists of peoples’ names you hear.”

RELEVANT

[via TheOnion, pic via Veidt (NSFWish)]

After the jump, you can watch the interview with the screenwriter behind this weekend’s blockbuster, nay, PaulWalkbuster, Fast Five (5 Fast 5 Furious).

[On coming up with his script] “I wanted the cars to drive fast, and some of them to explode.”

[On the return of Jordana Brewster] “She’s a girl, and she likes to kiss, so she doesn’t play with the cars, but sometimes she does, but mostly just the boys.”

The kid is obviously great, but I also enjoy the tooly Morning Show interviewer.

“How many sequels are you planning?”
“Six hundred.”
“Ha!  Well I know where I’ll be every summer!”

There’s not much left to say here other than bravo, The Onion, bravo.  This almost makes up for the time you invited some hipster with a tuba baritone down to record a cover of a Danzig song.

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I was considering not posting The Onion’s video on the Danish tourism ad campaign as directed by Lars von Trier, seeing as how it’s already gotten the gangbang from every other site.  Then I realized what a nice addition this would be to my nicely-growing tag “So if you’ve got anything else wacky and Danish, be sure to send it over.  As long as there’s not too much pooping.

“The ads took over one year to complete due to Von Trier’s decision to wire his own jaw shut and communicate with the cast and crew in a form of sign language he created himself.”

In related news, Antichrist will be available on Netflix tomorrow.  But if you’re looking to rent a Lars von Trier movie, I recommend The Idiots, mainly for its graphic depiction of a retarded-people orgy, complete with wieners entering hoohas and everything.  “Jä, jä, mein daughter receiwe Ph.d from Danish National Actor’s Conserwatory. Ve’re wery prøud.”

Three weeks ago when it was announced Mos Def had been cast as Chuck Berry in Cadillac Records, I wrote:

Chuck Berry famously got the idea for Rock and Roll from his cousin Marvin, who made Chuck listen live to a crazy white kid who’d traveled back in time and was filling in on guitar at the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance.  The kid’s showboating briefly brought the dance to a halt, but Chuck knew he was on to something so he re-recorded the song note for note.

Today, the Onion ran the following story:

In a shocking revelation that turns a half century of rock-and-roll history on its head, legendary musician Chuck Berry recalled Monday how he got the idea for his iconic song "Johnny B. Goode"—believed for decades to have been written by Berry himself—after listening to a white teenager playing it over the telephone. "I’ll never forget that night back in 1955 when I got the call from [cousin] Marvin [Berry] saying, ‘Chuck, this is that sound you’ve been looking for!’" recounted Berry, explaining that his cousin was playing an "Enchantment Under The Sea"–themed high school dance when the mysterious teen, Calvin Klein, took to the stage and single-handedly invented rock and roll as we now know it. "Marvin held up the phone and I heard the song that would make me famous. Then I stole it."

I’d like to think I’ve had ideas more worthy of borrowing.  Like that plan for affordable universal healthcare, or when I converted water into a powerful energy source.  Where were you at on those ones, jizz snorkelers?

According to The Onion News Network, the studio plans to adapt the wildly popular Iron Man trailer into a feature-length motion picture.  Oh The Onion, they really know how to take a good joke and make it longer.

In related news, here’s a crapload of new Iron Man videos.