The international trailer for The Mechanic, starring Jason Statham in a remake of the 1972 Charles Bronson film, hit yesterday.  I wasn’t going to post it, because I thought I already had.  My mistake.  That was Blitz, this is The Mechanic.  Statham plays a hit man who teaches the hit man game to his young protege, Ben Foster.  The remake comes from Con Air director Simon West, so… you know… there’s that. I guess the bunny’s out of the box.

Said The Stath, when reached for comment, “Lately it seems loike Da Stafe is so busy, Oy ‘ardly ‘ave toime for knobbin’ fit birds!  Oy’s kiddin.  A course Oy’s knobbin birds.  Roight.  So in dis fiwm, dey caw Da Stafe ‘da mechanic,’ probably cos Oy’s always fixin’ fings. An also cos Oy’s always frowin a big fockin bloody wrench inta conts’ plans, now isn’ Oy.  When dey asked me ta do it, oy fought ta meself, ‘Oy. Stafe. Oo bettah ta troy an’ emulate den Mistah Chahles Bronson, da cont oo wiz knobbin’ birds an’ chewin’ da gyppo at age foive?‘  Da ovva fing dat appeawed ta me about it wiz dat dey told me Oy’d get ta stab some puntah inda leg wiff a speah, somefin’ Oy ‘as been on about since da Transporterah paht free.  So Oy told ‘em Da Stafe would do it, so long as oy got ta say,  ‘An dis toim… it’s personal, innit.’  Pretty flash, hey?  Da Stafe is a pushovah when it comes to clevah doyalogue.”

To complicate matters further, the trailer for 13 also hit today, and that stars Statham opposite Ray Winstone, Mickey Rourke, and 50 Cent, in a film about competitive Russian roulette.  …Yeah.

Read the rest of this entry »

Oi, wakey wakey, ya cönts. It’s da Stafe eah, now isn’ Oy?  So dis is da trailah for moy new movie, Da Mechanic, donnit.  When da cönts told me about it, Oy found da concept well appealin.  Cuz wiffout a mechanic, dere’d be no one to fix da flash shoiny focken sazz wagons Oy’s always droivin round in, now is dey?  Oi, but da toype a mechanic Oy play in dis focken movie ain’t da toipe a cönt ‘oo stands round ow day shoinin ovva cönts’ sazz wagons, innit.  Roight, I play a cönt ‘oo solves problems.  Problems loike, “Oi, Stafe, dere’s a cönt standin onna dock ‘oo ain’t got enough focken speahs in ‘is leg,” or “‘elp us, Stafe, we’s got a fit bird eah ‘oo needs a knobbin.’”

An’ dat’s where da Stafe comes in, now doesn Oy?  Becos da fit birds ain’t gonna knob demselves, now is dey?  But if dey did, Oy reckon dat would make a pretty focken good movie as well, innit.  Fit Birds Knob Demselves, dey could call it.

[hat tip: /Film]

Robert Downey and Sam Jackson on the set of Iron Man 2.  Oh I know, I was as excited as you are. |via FilmSchoolRejects|

Sam Jackson set to play a pirate negotiator.  Said the actor “Why won’t these muthaf*ckin pirates, give my back my muthaf*ckin’ boat!” |Variety|

American Apparel CEO denies trying to smear Woody Allen.  “I have deep respect for Mr. Allen who is a source of inspiration to me,” he insists. “The billboards and images from the Annie Hall movie were intended to be a parody/social statement and comedic satire to provoke discussion and public discourse about the baseless claims that had been made against American Apparel and myself, society’s reaction to lawsuits that delve into an individual’s private sexual life and the media’s sensationalism of such matters.”  He’s totally right.  As soon as I saw the billboard I said, “Hey guys, did you see that picture of Woody Allen with a beard?  It’s funny because the American Apparel guy is innocent.”  |Yahoo|

Jason Statham officially onboard for remake of Charles Bronson’s The Mechanic. Said the Stath “Oi, oy reckon after aw dis toime droivin’ round in flash sazz wagons, it wis about toime Da Stafe learnt ‘ow to fix ‘em, donnit.” |Empire|

Iron Man 2 to feature Gwyneth Paltrow in a dominatrix outfit. I guess that works, she’s clearly a ballbuster.  I mean, she’s married to the guy from Coldplay, no one who still had his balls could make music like that. |Comicbookmovie|

Mickey Carroll, the last surviving Wizard of Oz munchkin dead at 85. Rest in peace, little guy. |source|

Director of Saw and Repo the Genetic Opera remaking Troma’s Mother’s Day. I can’t wait to avoid anyone who’s excited about this. |Variety|

Megan Fox promises not to be like that showboatin’ bitch Scarlett Johansson. I say we settle this via naked cat fight. Or by seeing who can go the longest without talking.. |People|

New posters for Transformers (via Yahoo), Inglourious Basterds, District 9 (via Yahoo), and Antichrist (via Horror.ca).

Earlier this week, Sly Stallone signed a deal to star and produce a couple of action flicks, and one is said to be a remake of The Mechanic, a Charles Bronson flick from 1972.

The original film revolved around an aging hitman (played by Bronson, and now Stallone) who befriends a young man that wants to become a professional killer. [Cinematical]

He’s reportedly considering Ryan Gosling, Ben Foster, Cillian Murphy and Elijah Wood to co-star.

Meanwhile IMDB says the remake will be "totally reimagined as a spy thriller in a post 9/11 world."  Now there’s a complicated way of saying a whole lot of nothing.  The plot of a 1972 movie transposed to the present day?? OMG I’ve got to totally reimagine this!  I think that’s what happened to Stallone – the stress of reimagination caused his veins to explode out of his skin. More freaky pictures here. 

I imagined what his boner must look like because I just couldn’t help myself and I literally died on the inside.  Once when I was driving, I ran over a dead coyote that was badly decomposed and for like a week afterwards, outside the car I could still smell it just from the tires.  I imagine that’s what Stallone’s ejaculate smells like.  [Thanks to RoboPando for the tip]