Okay, I admit it, that headline was needlessly provocative.  It’s just that, when you have the chance to write “rich, bisexual heiress” in a headline, you take it, unless you’re allergic to cash money. And as you can see by this bedazzled sweater with a dollar sign hot glued on it in rhinestones, I AIN’T, SON.

The heiress in question is Megan Ellison, 25-year-old daughter of Oracle boss Larry.  (A Gawker piece on her in 2007 said her Myspace status was listed as “bi”, which is more than enough to fill my mind’s eye with gratuitous scissoring). Now she’s into movie producing, and according to Vulture, she wants to step in and finance There Will Be Blood director Paul Thomas Anderson’s planned Scientology allegory, The Master.

We’re told that Ellison is also in negotiations to co-finance Anderson’s untitled religious drama, based on an original script about a disaffected disciple’s relationship with the founder of a new spiritual movement called the Cause — a not-so-thinly-veiled stand-in for Scientology — that examines the human need to believe in a Creator.

Anderson had been forced to shelve Master last September after Universal Pictures balked at its $35 million price tag; as a consequence of the delay, the film lost Jeremy Renner, who’d been attached to play the part of Freddie Sutton, an alcoholic acolyte of the Cause‘s founder who was to be played by Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Insiders say Renner, who’s buried in offers since his Oscar-nominated turn in Ben Affleck’s The Town, is no longer attached, but we’re told Hoffman is still keenly interested in doing the picture.

That’s right, Universal, a company that’s spending $200 million on a movie about battleships that fight aliens, based on a board game and starring Rihanna, wouldn’t spend $35 million on a movie from a five-time Oscar-nominated director, an Oscar-winning actor, and another two-time Oscar-nominated actor.  Maybe I’m weird, but to me that seems way more embarrassing than being a party lesbian on Myspace.

Skillet the Teddy Bear-Humping Bulldog isn’t a movie yet, but it should be.

Diary of a Wimpy Kid beat Jennifer Aniston’s The Bounty Hunter at the box office (though Alice in Wonderland beat them both).  It even got less-terrible-than-expected reviews. I’m still probably not going to see it.  If I wanted to spend time with nerdy ugly ginger kids with braces, I’d play Ultimate Frisbee. |CHUD|

Universal turns down Paul Thomas Anderson’s Scientology flick, There Will be Thetans The Master for being too expensive.  No one seems to know why it’d be budgeted as high as $35 million.  I’m hoping it involved CGI alien spirits exploding from a volcano.  IN 3D. |NYMag|

Some people released the Kraken, in meme form.  Surfing grandma approves. |Urlesque|

Death Star watermelon.

And finally, Ashley Madison (the website expressly dedicated to infidelity — really) releases some kind of Avatar parody commercial.  Uh… I think?  To be honest, all I took from this is that it’s incredibly offensive in some way I can’t quite put my finger on.

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Paul Thomas Anderson, best known for directing three awesome movies and Magnolia, will be reteaming with probably the best actor in Hollywood, Philip Seymour Hoffman.

Anderson has written an untitled period drama [tee hee! *makes queef sound with mouth* -Ed.] that is set up at Universal. Hoffman, who has played supporting roles in most of Anderson’s past films, would this time be the centerpiece.  Hoffman will play “The Master,” as in “master of ceremonies,” a charismatic intellectual who hatches a faith-based organization that begins to catch on in America in 1952.  The core is the relationship between The Master and Freddie, a twenty-something drifter who becomes the leader’s lieutenant. As the faith begins to gain a fervent following, Freddie finds himself questioning the belief system he has embraced, and his mentor.

Anderson’s treatment of religion was cynical in “There Will Be Blood.” Here, the scrutiny isn’t specifically directed toward faith-based movements like Scientology or Mormonism that are newcomers compared to established religions. Anderson explores the need to believe in a higher power, the choice of which to embrace, and the point at which a belief system graduates into a religion. [BFDMemo]

I thought the most insightful thing about Anderson’s cynical treatment of religion in his last movie was the way the priest got beat to death with a bowling pin.  Suck on that one, Scopes monkey trial.  I’m not so much anti-religion as I am pro-movie violence, and holy God did I squeal like a schoolgirl during that scene.  I don’t think I’ve ever received so many horrified looks walking out of a theater, not even when Alexis Richards let me fingerblast her during Last King of Scotland.  Man, that chick was a slut, even for runaway.