The Hobbit (the first of two movies) doesn’t open until next December, but until then, The LA Times has released a new publicity still of Martin Freeman as Bilbo Baggins. If my Tolkien knowledge serves, that’s Bilbo with his sword, Lucille, preparing for his journey up Munchkin Mountain with the dwarves Oin, Loin, McGloin, Dingleberry, and the rest of the Lollipop Guild. But don’t quote me on that.

After the jump, it’s a new still from Prometheus, Ridley Scott’s Alien epic starring Idris Elba and Michael Fassbender’s penis.

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The Hobbits come from a magical realm called "Diagonal Earth."

MGM just released the first trailer for Peter Jackson’s fourth Hobbit movie, the first of the two-part The Hobbit, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey. Judging by people’s reactions — “shaking and crying!”, “Peter Jackson is a God,” (just to quote a few from my Facebook wall), people are reeeeeeally excited about it. All I’m saying is, don’t over exert yourself. Grab your inhalers and meet me after the jump.

“The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey” follows title character Bilbo Baggins, who is swept into an epic quest to reclaim the lost Dwarf Kingdom of Erebor, which was long ago conquered by the dragon Smaug. Approached out of the blue by the wizard Gandalf the Grey, Bilbo finds himself joining a company of thirteen dwarves led by the legendary warrior, Thorin Oakensheild. Their journey will take them into the Wild; through treacherous lands swarming with Goblins and Orcs, deadly Wargs and Giant Spiders, Shapeshifters and Sorcerers. Although their goal lies to the East and the wastelands of the Lonely Mountain first they must escape the goblin tunnels, where Bilbo meets the creature that will change his life forever … Gollum. Here, alone with Gollum, on the shores of an underground lake, the unassuming Bilbo Baggins not only discovers depths ofguile and courage that surprise even him, he also gains possession of Gollum’s “precious” ring that holds unexpected and useful qualities … A simple, gold ring that is tied to the fate of all Middle-earth in ways Bilbo cannot begin to know.

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"You want to buy sword, bro? I have amazing deal for you."

Thanks to LotR fan site TheOneRing.Net, I’ve got your first look at Richard Armitage as Thorin Oakenshield, the fifth installment of the exciting series, Still Pictures of Dwarves from The Hobbit. One might think they could’ve just released all the dwarf photos in one batch to keep from annoying the crap out of everyone, especially when the movie doesn’t even come out for another year and a half, but this is New Zealand. You have to ration the moments of thrilling excitement or else people get the bends. Plus people need something to tide them over for the next six months until the Christchurch Wool Fair.

As a young Dwarf prince, Thorin witnessed the destruction and terror wrought when a great fire-breathing Dragon attacked the Dwarf Kingdom of Erebor. After slaughtering many of Thorin’s kin, the great serpent, Smaug, entered The Lonely Mountain and took possession of its vast store of gold and jewels. No-one came to the aid of the surviving Dwarves, and thus, a once proud and noble race was forced into exile. Through long years of hardship, Thorin grew to be a strong and fearless fighter and revered leader. In his heart a fierce desire grew; a desire to reclaim his homeland and destroy the beast that had brought such misery upon his people. So when fate offers him an unusual ally, he seizes the chance for revenge.

Dragons are cool, but after Game of Thrones, I worry any dragon story that doesn’t involve a princess getting hate-f*cked from behind by a juiced-out barbarian is going to feel like a letdown., you know? Anyway, Thorin looks eerily like my Armenian great-grandma, only with thinner eyebrows and less jewelry. She died with the plastic still on her couch, poor lady.

Try not to get too excited, but we’ve got two brand new pictures of dwarves from Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit today (see also: Ori, Nori, and Dori from last week). That’s John Callen and Peter Hambleton as Oin and Gloin above, and Dean O’Gorman and Aidan Turner as Fili and Kili below. They all have rich, complex backstories, I’m sure, but the short version is “braided beards.” Trading dwarf pictures is fast becoming the hottest fad to hit New Zealand since tree counting.

And hey, how come they can’t get actual dwarves to play the dwarves? Of all the roles a dwarf could conceivably play, a mythical dwarf seems like a lay up. Are people put off by their bulging foreheads?  It’s the bulging foreheads, isn’t it. Don’t be scared, man, that’s just where they store their dwarf gold.

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Courtesy of MGM/New Line, here’s your first look at Jed Brophy, Adam Brown, and Mark Hadlow as Nori, Ori, and Dori, the dwarves from The Hobbit.  Ori is the Jewish one, while Nori and Dori were given girl names to make them tougher.  Okay, I made that up.

These three brothers, all sons of the same mother, could not be more different from each other. Dori, the oldest, spends much of his time watching out for Ori, the youngest; making sure he’s not caught a chill or got himself killed by Wargs or Goblins. Nobody quite knows what Nori gets up to most of the time, except that it’s guaranteed to be dodgy and quite probably, illegal. Dori, Nori and Ori are intensely loyal to each other – and whilst they are perfectly happy fighting amongst themselves, woe-betide any anyone who means harm to one of these brothers.
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey opens in 3D, 2D and IMAX 3D theaters on December 14, 2012. [ComingSoon]

My sources tell me braiding Nori’s beard was the most exciting to happen to New Zealand since Wellington got a pickling plant. Prime Minister Steve even declared it an official holiday!  Everyone got the day off from shearing.