Trivia: That butt belongs to a 16-year-old Katherine Heigl

Famous French actor Gerard Depardieu, who won a Golden Globe in 1990 for Green Card and an Oscar nomination the same year for Cyrano De Bergerac, and who these days resembles a morbidly obese proboscis monkey, reportedly dropped trou and peed on the floor of a CityJet plane in front of everyone when the stewardess told him he couldn’t get up to use the bathroom. But hey, peeing on stuff is just what frogs do when they’re agitated. HA! SUCK IT, FRANCE! IT’S ABOUT TIME SOMEONE FINALLY HAD THE COURAGE TO MAKE FUN OF YOU!

French film actor Gerard Depardieu was caught short on a Paris to Dublin flight and chose not to bother going to the toilet before relieving himself, airline CityJet told AFP.
According to a passenger, who was not named, the 62-year-old was visibly inebriated and tried to stand up before take-off, when passengers are asked to wear seatbelts, declaring: “I want to piss, I want to piss.”
When a stewardess asked him to sit and wait 15 minutes until the jet took off and reached cruising altitude, he said he could not wait. “And there and then he stood up and did it on the floor,” she told the French broadcaster.
“We could see he had been drinking. The stewardess was dumbfounded,” she added. “No-one said anything. It all happened with courtesy. Mr Depardieu sat back down and the plane returned to the parking area to be cleaned.” [AFP]

Jokes aside, good for him. I’m from the country, and if I have a choice between peeing in a toilet and peeing not in a toilet, I’ll take the latter every time. Trust me, there’s nothing quite like the feel of fresh air on your piss stream. As men, it’s our birthright to pee wherever and whenever the urge strikes us, hence the helpful spout. So if we ask you to use the bathroom, that’s just us being chivalrous. If you say no, guess what, some sh*t’s getting peed on. So whether you’re a stewardess, an urban business owner, or the owner of a retail establishment, always remember: when a man asks you for a place where he can pee, it’s because he wants to find a place to pee, not because he needs one.

Kirsten Dunst won best actress at Cannes for her role in Lars von Trier’s Melancholia, so you’d think that when she got asked about Von Trier’s Nazi comments (which were only offensive if you’re an idiot), she might at least show an attempt at understanding. Perhaps a “he means well, but…”, or “well you know how granddad is when he drinks, glug glug glug” — something, at least out of gratitude.  But of course she didn’t. She washed her hands of him at the first sign of controversy like the same prissy little idiot who started shifting uncomfortably in her seat before he’d even finished his sentence. Hey, bitch, why don’t you let me finish? Maybe I was going to say “just kidding.”

[Asked whether she thinks it's fair that she was rewarded despite what happened with Lars]

“I should not be affected by things that he said.  So for me, things that he said were very inappropriate and idiotic, and I’m pleased that the festival and the jury could see beyond his words.

This is a festival about freedom of speech and film, and what he did was separate, and he paid for it.” [video via HollywoodElsewhere]

“How dare he speak freely at a festival dedicated to freedom of speech! I’m glad he got blacklisted for something he said!” What a spineless moron.  You know, I always felt bad for Kirsten Dunst when people made fun of her ghostly skin and creepy pebble teeth (mainly because she had nice boobs, but still), but now I wish I could go back in time and retroactively pile on, because she clearly deserves it. SCREW YOUR BOOBS, KIRSTEN DUNST! YOU ARE NOT WORTHY! In conclusion, I leave you with this gif of her horrified reaction:

I like to imagine this gif and spazzy Brendan Fraser on a blind date together.

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"I only do this cause I love you, girl! Why you always make me so crazy?!"

On the heels of Alvin and the Chipmunks, Marmaduke, and Yogi Bear, Warner Bros want you to know that they aren’t through putting bear juice in your Boo Boo.  In fact, Vulture says Mike Myers is set to voice Pepe Le Pew, patron saint of date rapists and France’s most important cultural icon, in a mix of CGI and live action a la the critically-acclaimed Squeakuel.  At the very least, it’ll be interesting to see Mike Myers play a character with a funny accent for a change.

We’re told that in Warner’s new Le Pew, only the skunk and his perennially unrequited love interest, Penelope Pussycat, would be CGI characters; the rest of the Le Pew film will be shot in live action.

The decision to reinvigorate the Looney Tunes cast of characters is a high priority for Warner Bros., for while they still throw off a billion dollars in licensing revenue annually, that’s barely a fifth of what Disney makes every year from licensing better-known characters like Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck.

According to E-Poll Market Research data, even the most popular of the Looney Tunes bunch have trouble connecting with audiences: For instance, more Americans over the age of 13 can recognize Mike Myers (68 percent) than can recognize Bugs Bunny (66 percent) or Daffy Duck (56 percent). Even tougher for Warner Bros., more Americans have a favorable impression of Bugs (65 percent) and Daffy (55 percent) than they do of Myers (52 percent).

Wake up, Myers!  The polls are in and you’re gettin’ murdered!  Daffy Duck is slaughtering you out there!  We need to go on the offensive YESTERDAY! I’m talkin’ attack ads, push-polls, fathering interracial ducks out of wedlock — THE WORKS!  It’s time to start playin’ dirty, or else the lame duck’s gonna be YOU!

(*hums “New Le Pew” by INXS*)

I’ve never been to France, but the French people I’ve met have generally been pretty nice, so when I make French jokes, it’s mostly because I’m amused by the English-speaking world’s irrational hatred of all things French. I mean, they have a stupid language that sounds like someone trying to lick my ear drum, but it’s certainly no more silly than Dutch. And I’ll take France over those arrogant, socks-with-sandal-wearing lesbian wannabes in Germany any day.  That said, congratulations, Xavier Beauvois, you are why people hate France personified.

CANNES, France – French director Xavier Beauvois has expressed support for detained filmmaker Roman Polanski by holding up a T-shirt emblazoned with Polanski’s name during a photo call at the Cannes Film Festival.

Beauvois is presenting his film “Of Gods and Men” at the French Riviera festival. He has called Polanski’s situation “Kafkaesque.” [AP]

It’s so true!  Remember when Gregor Samsa turned into a cockroach and then drugged and ass raped that little girl and had to live in his vacation home?  That was my favorite part.

French producer and Notre Dame bell-ringer Thomas Langmann (see below) has announced that his production company La Petite Reine is fast-tracking the film Fantomas for a $70 million budget production for France and the U.S. The film is based on a series of graphic detective novels about a clever killer, who I assume is a jerk to Americans.

Langmann said the film will be heavily influenced by The Dark Knight, except whereas Bruce Wayne has a Batmobile and high-tech gadgets, the character Fantomas will ride a 10-speed bike, wear a beret and have a stupid mustache. Look, I posted this partly because I’m a huge dork fan of classic detective stories, but who are we kidding? I’m here for some easy French jokes.

Surrender to Germany, Variety:

Written by Marcel Allain and Pierre Souvestre, and first published in 1911, the 43 “Fantomas” novels follow Fantomas, an ingenious but amoral master of disguise and sadistic killer. The literary franchise is also a Gallic national crime fiction treasure, having yielded multiple big- and smallscreen and comic-book adaptations.

Influenced by “The Dark Knight,” Langmann said, Gans’ adaptation sees Fantomas facing off with a villain of equal or even more dastardly dimensions. Pic will shoot in French and English, and begin casting shortly.

I went to the movies one time when I was in Paris, and it was a pretty awesome experience. We drank beer and smoked cigarettes the whole time while watching The Rock with sh*tty French dubbing and poorly written English subtitles. But to the point, the story of Fantomas is pretty cool – There’s this mortician named the Tall Man and he’s from another dimension and he builds dwarf slaves out of body parts from dead people and he kills all these people in the town so he can send the dwarves back to his dimension to be slaves. Wait, what? Oh, that’s Phantasm. Whatever.

Hey, what did the Mexican Juggalo tell his waiter? “Fanta mas.” *dodges tomato*