Oh thank gawd, it feels like it’s been three fackin’ weeks since I gawt ta offah my two cents on a motion picshah set in my fayah state of Mass.  It seems like these days, Hawllywood has the audacity ta offah three a foah movies every mont that ah NAWT SET NEAH BAWSTON.  And that is PISS POAH.  Everyone knows New Yawk is a queah. But The Fightah is about bawxin, Mahky Mahk, bein blue collah, and most of all, Lowell, Mass. GO SAWX, oah whatevah.

(*clears throat, shuffles papers*)

In Zadie Smith’s award-winning debut novel White Teeth, which also happened to have as its central characters two brothers, she wrote perhaps most brilliantly about the often burdensome but defining nature of one’s own family history, writing that the brothers of her story “could not escape their history any more than you can your own shadow.”

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This weekend saw the opening of two potential huge blockbusters, Disney’s Tron Legacy and, uh… Columbia’s How Do You Know, a Reese Witherspoon rom-com from James L. Brooks that somehow cost $100 million to make.  Disney doesn’t release budget figures (the only studio that doesn’t even though it’s publicly traded), but reports put Tron‘s production budget at $170 million, plus another $100 for marketing.  It opened with $43.6 million, which is either a catastrophe or a success, depending on who you talk to.  BoxOfficeMojo calls it “comparable to past December release The Day the Earth Stood Still (2008).”

That went on to gross $79m domestic and $233 million worldwide, which would still be a money loser for Tron.  For comparison, the Star Trek reboot (which was actually good) made $75.2 million in its opening weekend ($385 total), and Clash of the Titans (another 3D reboot that was worse than Tron) pulled in $61.2.  That eventually went on to make $493 million worldwide, since apparently foreigners care far more about Sam Worthington than we do.  You could spin it either way, but my guess is that Tron Legacy do well internationally and that Disney’s evil empire is in no danger of crumbling.

Tron (you can read my review here) at least looked expensive. How Do You Know looked, well, like Reese Witherspoon wore the same shirt the whole time, but somehow cost $120 mil before tax breaks.  I’ll begrudgingly admit that I liked James L. Brooks’ last two movies (Spanglish and As Good As It Gets) but How Do You Know got mostly bad reviews and was DOA with $7.6 million.  I blame the fact that almost every rom-com for the last five years has been mind-blowingly terrible, and this just looked like a traditional rom-com with an older cast.  Could this failure be good for getting less sh*tty rom-coms greenlit?  Doubtful.  It probably just means the ones that do get greenlit will be even more unimaginative, and more like He’s Just Not That Into You/Valentine’s Day, because studios will think of those as “safe bets.”  To you and me, they’ll remain “piles of sh*t” or “Al-Qaeda recruitment videos.”

Meanwhile, Yogi Bear earned $16.7 million, which was way less than Alvin and the Chipmunks, but more than Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore.  Phew.  I know you were worried.
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David O. Russell’s critically-beloved boxing film The Fighter finally opens today, and if there’s one thing film critics like more than boxing metaphors, it’s boxing metaphors to describe a movie about boxing.  It’s so on the nose, much like punches from the famous boxer Marky Mark.  Now then, who wants a glass of Pun Punch?  It’s Wahl-to-Wahl action!

“Wahlberg delivers knockout performance in ‘The Fighter’”. [BONUS WORDPLAY!]: “You can have actors wall-to-wall with Massachusetts accents, but you have to put them on those streets and front porches for the knockout punch.” -Jeff Simon, BuffaloNews

“Christian Bale gives a knockout performance in ‘The Fighter’” [BONUS PUN!] “Mark Wahlberg and Christian Bale’s “The Fighter” is a punch-drunk tale whose fitful ramble from Jerry Springer-style family seaminess to “Rocky”-like triumph is elevated enormously by knockout performances.”-David Germain, AP

“REVIEW: Bale’s knockout performance makes ‘Fighter’ a contender.” [BOOM, DOUBLE PUN! SHOOT ME UP, I NEED MORE PUNS!] “If prizes were handed out to boxing films, “Rocky” would still hold the championship title. Every few years, however, a new boxing film emerges that tries to be a legitimate contender. I haven’t seen one that knocked me out in a long time, but “The Fighter” comes pretty close.” [WHO'S THE BOXER NOW? I'M SO CONFUSED!] -Richard Karpala, Aurora Sentinel

“‘The Fighter’ has a knockout performance in a big week for little films” -Liquida

“Googley-eyed Christian Bale gives a knockout performance” [DOUBLE BONUS PHOTO CAPTION PUN]: “PUNCH-DRUNK LOVE: Brothers Dicky (Christian Bale, left) and Micky (Mark Wahlberg) in The Fighter.” -Curt Holman, CL Atlanta

“Review: ‘The Fighter’ is a knockout” [NOT GOOD ENOUGH, I NEED ANOTHER PUNCH DRUNK LOVE PUN, CUT ME, MICK!] “THE MEMBERS of ex-fighter Dicky Eklund’s family are so punch-drunk with love for the charming bad boy that they won’t acknowledge the dangerous road he’s on.” -Claudia Puig, Mercury News

‘The Fighter’: Wahlberg, Bale and Co. deliver knockout performances -Roger Moore, Orlando Sentinel

“‘The Fighter’ An Oscar Knock-Out” [BOOYAH!] So it’s a holiday feast of blue-collar, but blue-ribbon actors all trying to out-do each other in what is a veritable Oscar smack-down and SUCCEEDING mightily. Each landing punch after thespic (acting) punch in this knock-out of a movie! [I THINK I JUST PISSED BLOOD!] -Stephen Holt, StephenHoltShow

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NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU, AN NAWT YOU.  NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU, AN NAWT YOU. NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU, AN NAWT YOU. NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU, AN NAWT YOU. NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU, AN NAWT YOU. NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU, AN NAWT YOU. NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU, AN NAWT YOU. NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU, AN NAWT YOU. NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU, AN NAWT YOU. NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU, AN NAWT YOU. NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU, AN NAWT YOU. NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU, AN NAWT YOU. NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU, AN NAWT YOU. NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU, AN NAWT YOU. NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU, AN NAWT YOU.

NAWT YOU, NAWT YOU, AN NAWT YOU.

NAWT YOU.

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The Golden Globe nominations were released today, and I know what you’re all thinking: sorry, better luck next year, Channing Tatum. Anyway, I was all set to explain why the Golden Globes are a sham voted on by a shady group of foreign “journalists” who can basically be bought off with a nice gift bag, but then I noticed that among the nominations for best picture (musical or comedy) were Alice in Wonderland, Burlesque, Red, and The Tourist.  I mean, that pretty much says it all right there.

And of course Johnny Depp got a best actor nod for Alice, because if there’s one thing the Hollywood Foreign Press loves, it’s famous actors in silly costumes dancing.  Are the Golden Globes voted on by the same people who watch Mexican sitcoms?  Because that would totally make sense.

BEST MOTION PICTURE, DRAMA
Black Swan (with obligatory picture)
The Fighter
Inception
The King’s Speech
The Social Network

BEST MOTION PICTURE, MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Alice in Wonderland
Burlesque
The Kids Are All Right
Red
The Tourist

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