Opening This Weekend

The Eye – I don’t like Jessica Alba because when she was on Punk’d she acted all put out because a naked guy was in the store with her.  Whatever, prude.  As I tell the neighborhood children, God chiseled this junk in his own image.  Anyway, this remake of a Hong Kong horror movie looks about as interesting as Jessica Alba herself.

Over Her Dead Body – Oh hey, it’s Eva Longoria, someone even more boring and annoying. I hate it, but I’ve also never seen it or anything else she’s been in.  Let’s hear what the critics have to say. "So bland, lifeless, and unimaginative, I wanted to poke the screen to see if it was really there."  "The line is fine between cute and annoying."  Hey, nice rhyme.  Let me try: The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain, rather than see this movie, I’d stab myself in the brain.

Strange Wllderness – In fairness to Happy Madison, I thought Grandma’s Boy looked atrocious, but it really wasn’t too bad.  However, the Strange Wilderness TV spot has stoner laughing dubbed over footage of a shark, and they apparently thought it was so funny that they repeat the clip twice.  Getting stoned and watching the discovery channel > watching Strange Wilderness.  Oh well, fellas, thanks for the idea.

Winners this weekend: Blockbuster, Netflix, going outside, crying yourself to sleep.      

Check out the new trailer for The Eye below, or watch the hi-res version here. 

Unlike the teaser I posted awhile back, Jessica Alba talks in this one, which, as her Punk’d appearance* proves, is clearly a mistake. On the other hand, one good thing about it is that Parker Posey’s in it, and she can actually act. It’s sort of scary when casting directors do that; almost like they’re using the merit system or something.  If I ever have raise children, I plan on randomly dispersed beatings and trips to the ice cream parlor and toy store regardless of their behavior in order that they should learn the world is an angry, confusing place with neither rhyme nor reason. That life is like a box of chocolates and sometimes you get punched in the mouth on a ferris wheel.

Anyway, The Eye is about a mannequin blind woman who regains her site after a cornea implant, and anyone who’s ever seen a horror movie can pretty much figure out what happens after that.

^{*And subsequent use of the word "bidness" to describe male genitalia}

Yahoo has the latest trailer (watch it here) for the American remake of the Hong Kong horror movie The Eye.  The trailer is intelligently made, in that it we never hear Jessica Alba talking.

Alba plays Sydney Wells, an accomplished, independent, Los Angeles-based concert violinist. She is also blind, and has been so since a childhood tragedy. As our story opens, Sydney undergoes a double corneal transplant, a surgery she has waited her whole life to have, and her sight is restored.

Using horror movie logic, we can deduce that her new corneas… A. Allow her to see dead people.  B. Open a portal to hell.  C. Turn her into a zombie.  D. Help her fight vampires.  E. Cause her to see herself acting and realize that she should be in Playboy, not movies.

I’m sure what the actual answer is, but I’m pretty sure it’s not E so I don’t care.