Opening this weekend:

Body of Lies: Russell Crowe and Leo try to fight the war on terror with their pants on fire.  If nothing else, you’ll be able to hear a new Guns n Roses song.  It’s apropos that Axl Rose would be affiliated with something called “Body of Lies” considering he looks like a middle-aged lesbian these days.  Still, the magic is gone since I heard they cut Russell Crowe’s hilarious zinger about Greek women.

City of Ember: I’m boycotting anything with that chick from Atonement in it.

The Express:  Heartwarming story of triumph based on the life of the first black Heisman Trophy winner.  Hey, you know he gets leukemia and dies before he ever makes it to the pros, right?  What kind of f-cked up shit is that?  “Hey kids, you can achieve anything you put your mind to.  Also, your heart might stop or your dick might rot off for no reason one day.  Life’s a trip, huh?”

Quarantine: I feel like I’ve already seen this movie nine times and have always wanted my money back afterwards.  But it’s a Screen Gems production so I’m sure it will be great, he said as he made an exaggerated wanking gesture.

Rocknrolla: Guy Ritchie’s new film – in limited release this weekend, expanding to wide October 31st. It’s getting largely mixed reviews.  What do you expect when Jason Statham’s not in it?  A Guy Ritchie movie without the Stath’ is like a child without laughter.

After the jump I’ve got the trailer for The Express, starring Dennis Quaid and that you’re-the-man-now-dog kid.  It tells the heartwarming true story of Ernie Davis, the first black Heisman Trophy winner who overcame adversity, broke records on the field and barriers off it, then promptly developed leukemia and died at 23.  Boy, you’re a real fuckin downer today, Wikipedia.

Anyway, it still promises to be an important film.  Far too many black kids nowadays grow up without even considering a career in professional sports.