Harry from AICN and Sly Stallone are such BFFs that Sly sometimes sends Harry video of himself working out.  During a recent late-night chat over tickle fights and bunny slippers email interview, Sly even revealed that he’d once auditioned for the role of Han Solo in Star Wars.  So you can add Sly’s name to the list after Nick Nolte, Al Pacino, Burt Reynolds, Christopher Walken, Kurt Russell, and God knows who else who were rumored to be in line for the part.

Yes as a matter of fact I did [audition for Han Solo] and it didn’t meet with much approval since when I stood in front of George Lucas he didn’t look at me once, obviously being very shy. Then I said ‘Well obviously I’m not the right type.’ but it all worked out for the best since I don’t look good in spandex holding a Ray gun. [source]

That’s true.  Luckily, he still looks good in really tight pants holding a pistol.

(Pete and Rachel Zoe, sittin’ in a tree, L-I-T-E-RA-LL-ee…)

That Boxoffice Magazine’s Pete Hammond (who also writes a blog for the LA Times and used to work for Maxim) is a giant whore is nothing new — I first covered his Whore of the Year award from eFilmcritic back in 2008 — but with all the negative attention he gets, you’d think he might at least try to conceal his true purpose (providing marketing soundbites disguised as movie reviews).  Instead, as this guy pointed out, he’s become such a parody of himself that it’s like his reviews are being written by a spambot.  Let’s examine his latest review, of The Expendables.  His most blatant attempts to get himself quoted are in bold text:

A who’s who of classic action stars light up the screen for pure combustible entertainment in Sly Stallone’s The Expendables, a sort of Dirty Dozen meets Inglourious Basterds–and then some. Though this film has a less-than-plausible storyline that’s already been trotted out in various forms earlier this year (The A Team, The Losers), it’s filled with literally explosive excitement.

If I don’t see at least one of those quotes in a trailer, TV spot, or poster, I will literally eat my own sh*t.  But back to the figurative sh*t eating, the rest of this review:

This summer flick finds a group of seasoned mercenaries on an unexpected suicide mission to overthrow a corrupt South American dictator. Released nearly a year after Quentin Tarantino’s Basterds, Expendables hopes to make lightning strike twice in an end-of-season mission to storm the box office and makes off with a lot of loot.

[Sic] metaphor(s), bro!

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Erik over at Cinematical Tweefed the above video a few minutes ago, asking:

are studios now using little kids to market their R-rated movies virally? You be the judge – staged or real?

It’s a good question.  While this cute, foul-mouthed little dude who just saw “the f*ckin’ Expendables” reminds me of myself at that age, it’s impossible to ignore the fact that he looks like a slick, Hollywood take on Sexman.  Oh sure, guys, a fresh-faced non-Canadian who looks like he bathes and shampoos, with straight teeth and an un-scratchy, un-nasal voice, makes a YouTube video about how much he likes a movie with all the awkward pauses and obvious screen-reading edited out?  F*ck you, Hollywood.  We want reality, with all its tooth gaps and Mexican mustaches and awkward, early stages of puberty.  You think you’re going to sell us some cheap Sexman knockoff?  Not a chance, man.  Not after we’ve seen the real thing.  What’s next, Sandra Bullock teaches a poor black kid to play football?

In this behind-the-scenes clip from The Expendables, Sly goes to Brazil to watch MMA fights in the hopes of casting some extras. You’ll never believe this, but it turns out the usual crop of fruity Disney Channel queerbait with Zac Efron hair don’t make the most believable action-movie soldiers. [via Fightlinker] (additional note for MMA fans: Anderson Silva seems to speak pretty good English for a guy who always uses an interpreter)

Inception expected to surpass $100 million domestically by late tomorrow.  (*BRAAAAAAAAAHHMMM*). |Deadline|

The manager from Major League died. One of the most prolific “that guy”s around, James Gammon, died of adrenal and liver cancer in Costa Mesa at the age of 70.  That really sucks, because this guy seemed cool. He talked like he gargled with dirty syringes and rock salt, way before Christian Bale started thinking that was cool.  Though it has to be said, for a guy who made a career out of playing characters on death’s door, this is hardly surprising. |NYTimes|

Hangover 2 will be set in Thailand. Though it was initially rumored and then denied, ComingSoon is claiming they’ve confirmed that The Hangover 2 will indeed be set in Thailand, the land of coconut milk and projectile vaginas.  I’m not huge on the idea of comedy sequels, but if Zach Galifianakis carries a ladyboy wearing sunglasses around in a baby Bjorn, consider me sold. |ComingSoon|

Tracy Morgan’s Blavatar.  Tracy Morgan has taken to calling his “Black and Blue” special Blavatar, choosing it over A Blaffair to Rememblack. It’s funny because he’s African-American, you see.  And he makes pregnant women’s water break using karate.  |EW|

SITE NEWS: My on-lactation coverage of Comic Con begins tonight.  Expect photo essays, crowd weariness, and technical difficulties.  Burnsy and Chodin will be taking over the heavy news lifting for the next couple days, so expect C-Tates posts and lovingly-detailed gay jokes.  The latest episode of the Frotcast will be up tomorrow.  We even tried to mix it this time. (*BRAAAAAHM*)

No, those aren’t Hulk hands, it’s just a recent picture of Sylvester Stallone, who at 64 years of age has finally decided to start wearing his veins on the outside of his skin. I like to imagine him using those forearms to squeeze a can of Ensure shake until the lid explodes off and it all shoots up like a fountain and falls into his mouth like Popeye’s spinach. And then he pulls his assistant’s arms off for screwing up his vanilla latte.

To find out if HGH is right for you, talk to a Mexican doctor over the internet. [Celebuzz]

Meanwhile, I’m posting The Expendables “Call to Arms” trailer below in the hopes that PEOPLE WILL STOP F*CKING SENDING IT TO ME.

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