U2′s Bono and The Edge star alongside the cast of the play in this new music video for “Rise Above 1″ a big number from Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, which is still playing on Broadway. Naturally I had to post it because to me, the idea of U2 writing the music for a play based on Spider-Man is a better satire of theater than even Waiting for Guffman could’ve been, and somehow it’s all real. Yet again, parody can’t touch reality for absurdity.

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You might remember the other day when I posted a quote from Albert Books telling Adam Carolla about one of his least favorite screenwriting tics — when characters constantly, unrealistically address each other by name, just so we don’t forget their names.  Specifically, Brooks said:

“There are things I can’t stand in movies, that can be so easily fixed. I don’t like peoples’ names. [...] Just to say it all the time… it’s sloppy writing.  I’ll tell you a fun game when you have nothing to do: watch Titanic and count how many times he says ‘Rose.’  It must be five thousand. [...] I think he even says it underwater.”

That seemed like a great idea, so right after I transcribed the quote, I opened the zippered ear hole on Oliver’s gimp suit and whispered, “Hey, you should make a mash-up of that,” and then hit him in the crotch with a wiffle bat.  Being the good slave/video editor that he is, after he came, Oliver delivered a video even better than I could’ve imagined.  Not only does Leo say “Rose” a ridiculous number of times, Kate Winslet says “Jack” an equally-ridiculous amount. Jack! What is it, Rose? Jack, don’t die, Jack!  ROSE! Not without you, Rose! I love you, Rose!  Don’t marry Billy Zane, Rose, he doesn’t know the Rose I know!  Jack, I love you too, Jack! Jack, I’m married to Billy Zane but really it’s Jack that I love, Jack! Jack! Rose! Rose! Jack! …

We even made a game out of it.  So which do you think they say more?  Place your bets below…

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If you ever wondered what a U2 song about Spider-Man would sound like, wonder no longer, because Reeve Carney, star of the Spider-Man musical with music from U2 and the Edge (screw those other guys, they should be thankful they’re not homeless), went on Good Morning America this morning to sing “Boy Who Falls from the Sky.”  Oh, don’t worry, the lyrics are super deep, you guys.  This makes “Yellow” look like “Your Body is a Wonderland.”

You can change your mind
but you cannot change your heart.
It’s a compass and a map, and a key to the chart.
You can fly too high, and get too close to the sun
see how the boy falls from the sky

IN THE NAAAAAAAAAME OF WEBS!  FLYING HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH ON MY SPIDER WEBS……

At the very least, the drummer has a sweet combover.  Meanwhile, director Julie Taymor sat down for a chat and showed off the designs for some of the villains.  Here’s Green Goblin:

Looks a little light in the goblin shoes, amirite?  I mean, I think I know what he‘s gobblin, and it ain’t green, gnome sayin?  (*toilet flush*) (*slide whistle*) (*bike horn*) (*squirts German Shepard with seltzer*).   Anyway, I don’t really understand theater.  Is this good?  I know plays are like movies for poor people, and Broadway is for people who want to spend a lot of money to do something obsolete, so I guess this is… fitting?  I don’t know.  I’ve tried to weigh the merits of this, but it’s kind of like reviewing the steam engine.

[via ToplessRobot]

_{Homophobic Turtle is not pleased.  (…Or is he??)}

Julie Taymor’s plan to turn Spider-Man into a thuper fabulouth musical will finally come out of the closet in February 2010, EOnline reports.

“Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark” [Editor's note: you're f-cking kidding me, right?] the hyped stage musical directed by Julie Taymor (The Lion King) with music and lyrics courtesy of U2′s Bono and The Edge, will kick off what its producers hope will be an amazing run beginning with previews on Jan. 16, 2010, and a Feb. 18, 2010, opening night.

The $40 million effort, reportedly the most expensive Broadway production ever, will make its debut in the Hilton Theatre, the only venue big enough to allow the superhero room to spin his way around the sprawling skyscraper sets while duking it out with various bad guys.

According to a previous report, the show would have to run 8,000 years just to break even (I was going to do the math to verify that claim, but then I was like, “Nah”).  But for an artist like Julie Taymor, clearly this isn’t about the money.  It’s been truly a labor of love.  The love of getting washed-up rockstars to write uninspired songs about a movie that came out 10 years ago.