^{Scientists cautiously approached a screening of Four Christmases}

The Day the Earth Stood Still took the top spot at the box office this weekend, earning $31 million, despite kinda sucking a lot. It’s not surprising considering it was the only film opening in wide release with any hype behind it.  Meanwhile, all the award-season films performed well in limited release.

The biggest winner among openers on a per-screen basis was Clint Eastwood’s “Gran Torino,” …which grossed $284,000 on six screens for an average of $47,333. Also opening strong were Miramax’s “Doubt,” with $525,000 on 15 screens, and IFC’s “Che” with $60,000 on two screens. …“Slumdog Millionaire,” $2.2 million on 169 screens; Focus’ “Milk,” $2.6 million on 328 screens; and Universal’s “Frost/Nixon,” $630,240 on 39 screens. [LA Times] (full top ten after the jump)

So basically, every awards-nominated movie got a tiny release while most of the country was stuck with f-cking Keanu Reeves.  Note to studio execs: if you ever want the film industry to become less of an insular circle jerk than it already is, STOP ASSUMING EVERYONE OUTSIDE OF NY AND LA IS AN IDIOT.  Making it hard to see the good shit doesn’t “build buzz”, it builds a negative attitude towards moviegoing in general.  Example? I tried to see Milk three times this weekend.  Every time it was sold out.  And I live in New York.  Next time I’ll probably just wonder if I should even bother.  Great marketing strategy.  Go F yourselves.

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Weekend Preview is back this week by popular demand because I’m finally not too lazy to finish writing it.  Click on titles to watch trailers.

Opening this week:

The Day the Earth Stood Still
Keanu Reeves has been waiting his whole career to play an emotionless alien. All the critics say it sucks but mark my words, before the year is out, a celebrity will name their baby “Klaatu”.

Delgo
This looks f-cking terrifying.  Modeling all the aliens after Liza Minnelli probably wasn’t the best idea.

Nothing Like the Holidays
Debra Messing goes home for the holidays to meet her new Puerto Rican in-laws.  Who directed this, Tylermo Perez?  I still say it needs más Trejo.  Somewhere, Lou Dobbs is pissed they took “Christmas” out of the title.

The Reader
See Ralph Fiennes track down the SS officer he had an affair with!  See the film that spawned a thousand Jew fights! …As long as you live in New York or LA.

Gran Torino
See Clint Eastwood befriend an Asian!  Hear him sing! …But again, only if you live in New York or LA.  Everyone else can suck rocks.

Doubt
Philip Seymour Hoffman and Meryl Streep are priests and nuns.  Hoffmour may or may not have diddled someone.  …I said. I want you to act me. as hard. as you can. …But again, only if you live in NY or LA.  Sorry for the inconvenience.

Che
If you live in New York or LA, you can see Benicio Del Tor- oh who even cares.

^{The sophisticated instruments could detect even the most minute traces of acting}

Via one of the most annoying press releases I’ve ever read (full text below), Fox recently announced that it would be transmitting The Day the Earth Stood Still into outer space.

Commented Twentieth Century Fox domestic distribution president Bruce Snyder: “We at Fox always like to think big, and what’s bigger than a ‘galactic’ release of a major motion picture event? We look forward to sharing THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL with our galactic neighbors near Alpha Centauri — and look forward to their feedback…eight years from now.”

“We are thrilled about beaming this film into space. This will be our first full length movie transmission. And what could be more relevant to send into Deep Space than a movie about the Earth’s acceptance of visitors from outer space,” [sic] commented Jim Lewis, Managing Director, Deep Space Communications Network.

Hold on, I’m being told that a worm hole has opened.  We’re receiving a transmission of the first review… Incoming: Greetings, Earthlings, I am Klaatu. Of all your Earth actors, you chose KEANU REEVES to play me?  DOR SHO GA!  That guy couldn’t act his way out of a plasma-covered uranian!  Seriously, this movie really blorked my gongle.  When does Watchmen come out? Kthnxbai.”

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The studio released the first five minutes of The Day the Earth Stood Still, which opens December 12th.  The plot involves an attack on Earth by a civilization of advanced aliens, and if history tells us anything, it’s that Earth will prevail because of some really half-assed plot device, like we upload a virus on the alien computers, or the aliens all die of an Earth cold, or the aliens are allergic to water but for some reason still chose to land on a planet that’s 70% water.  Even on a list of the lamest alien-death plot devices, Shyamalan’s is still so lame it stands out (not to mention he stole it from Alien Nation).  Oh, and Mel Gibson’s family just happens to be the only rural farmhouse in America that doesn’t own a shotgun? God you suck, Shyamalan.
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After the jump, I’ve got the trailer for the remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still, in which Keanu Reeves plays Klaatu, an alien whose arrival on Earth triggers a global upheaval, and who sounds suspiciously like Bill S. Preston Esq of San Dimas.  Personally, I would’ve preferred a remake of lesser-known 50s sci-fi flick, The Day the Earth Shook Like a Motherfucker.  Much more action in that one.

-Thanks to Liam for the tip.  That’s ‘Mail’ backwards!