Kirsten Dunst won best actress at Cannes for her role in Lars von Trier’s Melancholia, so you’d think that when she got asked about Von Trier’s Nazi comments (which were only offensive if you’re an idiot), she might at least show an attempt at understanding. Perhaps a “he means well, but…”, or “well you know how granddad is when he drinks, glug glug glug” — something, at least out of gratitude.  But of course she didn’t. She washed her hands of him at the first sign of controversy like the same prissy little idiot who started shifting uncomfortably in her seat before he’d even finished his sentence. Hey, bitch, why don’t you let me finish? Maybe I was going to say “just kidding.”

[Asked whether she thinks it's fair that she was rewarded despite what happened with Lars]

“I should not be affected by things that he said.  So for me, things that he said were very inappropriate and idiotic, and I’m pleased that the festival and the jury could see beyond his words.

This is a festival about freedom of speech and film, and what he did was separate, and he paid for it.” [video via HollywoodElsewhere]

“How dare he speak freely at a festival dedicated to freedom of speech! I’m glad he got blacklisted for something he said!” What a spineless moron.  You know, I always felt bad for Kirsten Dunst when people made fun of her ghostly skin and creepy pebble teeth (mainly because she had nice boobs, but still), but now I wish I could go back in time and retroactively pile on, because she clearly deserves it. SCREW YOUR BOOBS, KIRSTEN DUNST! YOU ARE NOT WORTHY! In conclusion, I leave you with this gif of her horrified reaction:

I like to imagine this gif and spazzy Brendan Fraser on a blind date together.

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Well sure we paraded around this crazy Dane with "F*CK" written on his knuckles, but we never expected him to say something offensive!

You can read the full quote of what Lars Von Trier said at Cannes the other day in the bottom half of this post, but I think any sane person would agree that it was pretty obvious that he was joking.  But it seems that it’s getting harder and harder for people nowadays to differentiate between an off-color joke and actual discrimination. And so to avoid having any rational discussion that might challenge the PC status quo, the faceless Cannes Film Festival board of directos ran away from Lars Von Trier like a bunch of spineless, intellectually cowardly pussies and declared him “persona non-grata.”  They acted, to borrow an overused cliché, like Frenchmen.

His dark sense of humor was clearly lost on Cannes’ board of directors, who, despite a swift apology from the director, held a meeting today and voted to blacklist von Trier from the festival. In a statement they said, “The board of directors profoundly regrets that this forum has been used by Lars von Trier to express comments that are unacceptable, intolerable, and contrary to the ideals of humanity and generosity that preside over the very existence of the festival. The Board of Directors firmly condemns these comments and declares Lars von Trier a persona non grata at the Festival de Cannes, with effect immediately.” [Popeater]

It is still unclear what Cannes ban, the first applied to a director in living memory, will mean for Von Trier. The director said he would not be allowed “within 100 meters” of the Festival Palais and red carpet, meaning he will not attend the Cannes awards ceremony on Sunday, but was not certain if his films would also be banned.

“It’s a pity because (Jewish festival head) Gilles Jacob is a close personal friend of mine,” Von Trier said. “What I said was completely stupid but I am absolutely no Mel Gibson … What I meant was I could imagine what it was like for Hitler in the bunker, making plans. Not that I would do what Hitler did. But it’s a pity if it means I will lose contact with Cannes.”
Von Trier pointed to his own background – his stepfather is Jewish and he grew up thinking he had Jewish roots – to indicate how ridiculous it would be to call him an anti-Semite. [THR]

These A-holes love to hide behind supposed “ideals” as if they actually believe in them, when clearly it’s just fashion.  They would never take the time to actually try to understand something someone said, because whether it was actually offensive or not is beside the point: it might make them look bad. That’s what matters.  They would make great Nazis.  And speaking of Mel Gibson, he got a standing ovation over there the other day.  If only Von Trier had been banned from an American film festival, or been convicted of rape here, then he could go back over there like a conquering hero (and yes, OF COURSE they kiss Roman Polanski’s ass every chance they get).  Sorry for my lack of an arch, humorous take on this, but in terms of fulfilling negative stereotypes, this is the French equivalent of Flava Flav’s fried chicken restaurant.

Earlier today, I told you about Lars Von Trier’s now-infamous “I’m a Nazi” declaration at the Cannes press conference for his film, Melancholia.  That naturally put outraged queef bubbles in all the girls’ panties, and Von Trier has since been forced to issue an apology, because you know how girls are when you get them going. (*makes “yap yap yap” symbol with hand*)

PREVIOUS, 9:05 AM: The Cannes Film Festival has just issued a press release saying it was disturbed by von Trier’s comments and asked for an explanation from the Danish director, who it said has apologized.
The Festival de Cannes was disturbed about the statements made by Lars von Trier in his press conference this morning in Cannes. Therefore the Festival asked him to provide an explanation for his comments.
The director states that he let himself be egged on by a provocation. He presents his apology.
The direction of the Festival acknowledges this and is passing on Lars von Trier’s apology. The Festival is adamant that it would never allow the event to become the forum for such pronouncements on such subjects.

Director Lars von Trier: “If I have hurt someone this morning by the words I said at the press conference, I sincerely apologize. I am not anti-semitic or racially prejudiced in any way, nor am I a Nazi.” [Deadline]

I always appreciate it when a guy apologizes if you were offended without acknowledging saying anything offensive.  It’s only fair.  Despite what people would have you believe, being offended in and of itself does not make you right.  Nonetheless, I’m sure the Anti-Defamation League will still try to spin this into some kind of donation drive, you know how those Jews are.  Oh crap, did I type that?  Sorry, it’s just that I’ve been drinking like an Indian lately, and now here I am, drunker than an Irish Mick, spouting off like a black guy at a horror movie.  I’ve really gone off the reservation.  Anyway, I’m sorry if you all failed to see humor in deliberate offensiveness, but lighten up, Ayatollah, this isn’t a mosque.  Jeez, look at you, angrier than a guinea on bath day.

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I was considering not posting The Onion’s video on the Danish tourism ad campaign as directed by Lars von Trier, seeing as how it’s already gotten the gangbang from every other site.  Then I realized what a nice addition this would be to my nicely-growing tag “The Danish“, alongside Gayni–ers From Outer Space and the gay Nazi movie.  So if you’ve got anything else wacky and Danish, be sure to send it over.  As long as there’s not too much pooping.

“The ads took over one year to complete due to Von Trier’s decision to wire his own jaw shut and communicate with the cast and crew in a form of sign language he created himself.”

In related news, Antichrist will be available on Netflix tomorrow.  But if you’re looking to rent a Lars von Trier movie, I recommend The Idiots, mainly for its graphic depiction of a retarded-people orgy, complete with wieners entering hoohas and everything.  “Jä, jä, mein daughter receiwe Ph.d from Danish National Actor’s Conserwatory. Ve’re wery prøud.”

I was trying to avoid this story, but it’s all over the internet.  I think my mom even emailed it to me along with that Susan Boyle clip and the hugging lion.  Anyway, the story is, Martin Scorsese and Robert DeNiro are remaking Taxi Driver.  Or at least, Danish director Lars von Trier wants them to.

The idea is similar to the film “The Five Obstructions” that Von Trier and Danish helmer Jorgen Leth made in 2003. In that film, Von Trier challenged his colleague Leth to do a remake of his own 1967 film “The Perfect Human.” Von Trier gave Leth the task of remaking five times, each time with a different obstacle, such as making the film animated, or setting it in Cuba. In the new project, Von Trier will challenge Scorsese and De Niro to remake their 1976 classic “Taxi Driver.”

The story took on a life of its own after a Danish newspaper published an interview in which Peter Aalbaeck Jensen, von Trier’s business partner and executive producer, said he could neither confirm nor deny the rumors. ”There will be a statement coming shortly,” he said — although another Danish source confirmed the collaboration.

Over the weekend, when Scorsese was doing press in Berlin, he did not mention the Von Trier project, as discussion focused on features in pre-production, such as a 3D adaptation of Brian Selznick’s novel “The Invention of Hugo Cabret.” [Variety]

So basically, the only one talking about this so far is Lars von Trier.  It’s all part of our ongoing segment, “Shut up, Lars von Trier.”   Oh the Danish.  ”Jä, jä, øønt zeess time, perhapz Travis Bickle isht Gayn-gger from Outer Schpace.”

UPDATE:  Ooh, big shocker here, looks like none of this is happening.