The quintessential Lebowski gif.  “The creep can thrust, man.”  (This one‘s pretty good too)  |UnrealityMag|

MORNING LINKS

• Burnsy’s An A-Z Guide To Endangered Animals And The A-Holes Who Keep Killing Them. |Uproxx|

• Will Androids Survive The IPhone 5?. |UproxxNews|

• A PG-13 Alien? Does It Cuddle People to Death? |NERDS!|

• C-Span 2 gets interesting for the first time ever when some dude airs his girlfriend’s dirty laundry. |WarmingGlow|

• Just as I’ve been saying for years, Gene Simmons is a massive, massive tool. |GammaSquad|

• Cee-Lo has a new track out, “Old Fashioned.” I want to go back in time and have Cee-Lo record every oldies song. |SmokingSection|

• Taiwanese news investigates Pedobear. |GorillaMask|

• 10 Humiliating Halloween Costume Ideas for Pets. |TheSmokingJacket|

• The NBA Dress Code, Five Years Later. |HoopDoctors|

• 25 Worst Business Names Of All Time. |NedHardy|

• Five people who drove off of cliffs besides Junior Seau. |HolyTaco|

• The nine lamest ghosts in movie history. |ScreenJunkies|

• Of course a Jonas Brother wore a super gay scarf to a baseball game. |NYCBarstoolSports|

• Okay, just one more gif.

Read the rest of this entry »

I’ll be honest, folks, it’s kind of a slow day on the ol’ movie news’o tubes.  The upside of that is that I can post stuff like this gif animation mash up of The Big Lebowski and Star Wars and not feel bad about it at all.

• “Jabba the Hutt treats objects like women, man.”

• “The war is over Lebowski; the clones lost!”

• “Obviously a golfer, you are not.”

• “Chewie, this isn’t Endor, this is bowling. There are rules.”

• “Han, this isn’t a guy who built the Death Star here, he peed on my rug!”

• “The Darth abides.”

• “I’ve had a rough night, and I hate the f*cking Max Rebo Band, man.”

• “Say what you will about the tenets of Imperial Socialism, dude, at least it’s an ethos.”

• “Shut the f*ck up, Jar-Jar!”

And so forth.

[gif via LiveforFilms, thanks to handsome supertwinks Chodin and Ufford for the extra quotes]

Now on sale at Sears.com, this handsome “Shomer Brief Safe”, aka underpants with a fake skid mark and a big pouch in the front.  Hey, whatever keeps those thieving f*cking nihilists’ hands off your drugs, I guess.  They don’t believe in anything.

The “Brief Safe” is an innovative diversion safe that can secure your cash, documents, and other small valuables from inquisitive eyes and thieving hands, both at home and when you’re traveling. Items can be hidden right under their noses with these specially-designed briefs which contain a fly-accessed 4″ x 10″ secret compartment with Velcro closure and “special markings” on the lower rear portion. Leave the “Brief Safe” in plain view in your laundry basket or washing machine at home, or in your suitcase in a hotel room – even the most hardened burgler or most curious snoop will “skid” to a screeching halt as soon as they see them. (Wouldn’t you?) Made in USA. One size. Color: white (and brown).

Of course, it’s genius!  I already bought three pairs of these.  They’ll go great with the fake jizz puddle I use to cover my diamond pinky rings and the life-sized replica of a rotting hobo corpse — I store my collection of fabergé eggs up its ass.  I’m actually quite rich, but you’d never know it from my jizz-covered hobo tomb of an apartment.  That’s partially by design.

-Thanks to “Skidmark Pauly” for the tip

God knows how it took them this long, but the important thing is that there now exists a porn parody of The Big Lebowski.  From director Lee Roy Myers, of such previous porn parodies as Seinfeld, Friends, and Who’s the Boss, and stars Peter O’Tool and Kimberly Kane, comes The Big Lebowski, A XXX Parody.  I imagine it will be full of white Russians, but for my tastes, probably not enough eight year olds, dude.  *slide whistle*

In any case, here are just a few of the lines this film should include:

1. “Give us the fockeen, Lebowski!”
2. “I’ll suck your c*ck for a thousand dollars.  Brandt can watch.”
3. “Her carpet really tied the room together, man.”
4. “I’ll stick my c*ck up jour ass and pull the trigger till it goes click.”
5. “When we make the handoff, I double back, grab one of ‘em, and beat him off!”
6. “Let’s get one thing clear: I don’t like your jerk-off name. I don’t like your jerk-off face. I don’t like your jerk-off behavior, and I don’t like jerking you off, jerk-off.”
7. “This is what happens, Larry!  When you f*ck, a stranger in the ass!”  *f-cks stranger in the ass*
8. “They say my work is very vaginal.  The vagina itself makes some men uncomfortable.”  *shows vagina*
9. “What the f*ck is this?” *pulls out string of anal beads* “Obviously you’re not a golfer.”
10. “Jeffrey, this is Maude Lebowski. I need to see you. I’m the one who shaved my rug.”

I expect some better ones from you.

[TMZ]

According the the post, this is called The Big Lebowski Alignment Chart.  I didn’t make it and don’t really have anything to do with it other than that I saw it on the internets and thought it was too good not to share.  But I ask, is that not what the internet is all about?  Share and share alike?  So check it out.  Enjoy.  Just take a load off, relax, and unhook your bra while I ease out of this sweaty gorilla suit.  There, that’s better.  *attaches ball gag*

Oh, Tara Reid, how your prices have gone down.  On a serious note, Tara Reid was in Playboy a few months ago, but she didn’t show her vagina.  Not to bash on a girl’s looks because that’s not really my thing, but correct me if I’m wrong, isn’t Tara Reid’s vagina the only part of her that didn’t get horribly botched by a plastic surgeon?  If I were her, it seems like something I’d want to accentuate.  And what’s up with Playboy paying C-list celebrities all kinds of money and letting them keep their glory hole covered?  You guys are prude enablers.  Worse than holocaust deniers.

[via TheDailyWhat]