“Hey, God’s laughing at us!”

If you ask me, there’s no greater way of branding a movie a failure than by including it in the annual FilmDrunk Worst Movies feature, but some more traditional people believe that the Razzies are actually the ultimate decider of cinematic disgust and scorn. Either way, it’s no secret that Hollywood produces some incredibly horrible movies each year, and many of them come from repeat offenders. Thankfully, the Razzies keep track of these miscreants and their horrible films so that we can hurl figurative feces in their direction each February.

The one glaring difference between my Worst Movies feature and the Razzies, though, is that while I have sworn to exclude Happy Madison films out of fairness to the other movies that were legitimately terrible, the Golden Raspberry Award Foundation thrives in its contempt for all things Adam Sandler. Sandler’s not alone, though, as the Razzies committee has quite a few recurring targets, and this year’s nominations are hardly going to shock you.

[Vince's Note: I hate the Razzies. The most impressive thing about the Razzies is that they've been around since 1981 and have yet to make a single interesting or ballsy nomination. I might respect them if I thought they actually watched a lot of movies and voted for their worst, but instead they just choose the movies that are most socially acceptable to hate and hope someone in the cast will show up to their dopey ceremony. What's the point?]

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After last year’s Worst Movies feature, I received feedback from some readers and Twitter folk about me possibly being “too negative” and “mean” when it came to criticizing films that I chose to watch for this annual hate crime report. Some people even pulled the “What movies have you written?” card, which is cheap because I can just turn around and ask what dog they’ve ever photoshopped a mustache on, and BOOM – argument over.

Hundreds, if not thousands, of films are made each year, and a lot of them are bad. That’s not just by my standards; that’s by the standards of the majority. I have never, in the several years that Vince has let me poison the quality of his website, proclaimed to be a critic. I am just a bro who likes watching movies, and I have a naïve innocence that lets me still believe that people in Hollywood care about making quality films. Then I watch Bucky Larson and that gullible side of me is shoved into a wood chipper.

So how, then, do I determine which of the many, many mainstream films that I have watched in 2012 are the absolute worst of the worst of the WORST? It’s a little pinch of common sense mixed with a dash of “Come on, that’s just f*cking awful”. But I also have some rules, and let’s review them now…

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Bella! That tickles!!

We’re going to have fun, you and I, because we’re going to talk about all of your options for home video this week, which is a way better plan than simply talking about all of our problems instead (example: Windows 95 computer won’t boot, has really good photos of ex-girlfriend). Here’s a listing of your options for the week:

On DVD, Blu-ray, and/or Streaming
Avatar (3D Blu-ray + Blu-ray/ DVD Combo Pack)
A League of Their Own [Blu-ray]
Alcatraz: The Complete Series
Female Vampire (with Erotikill): Remastered Edition
Legendary Amazons
Mad Men: Season Five
Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted
Moonrise Kingdom
Neil Young Journeys
Rock of Ages
The Santa Clause 3-Movie Collection
That’s My Boy

I won’t front, that’s not exactly the ’27 Yankees of home video options. Some of these titles are likely to cause cancer, and some of other ones wear pink all the time to remind you to be aware of cancer. But there are a few gems, if you care to look a leeetle deeper.

So let’s get in there together, as a family, and get some!

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"More like Magic SIKE!" I imagine Seth MacFarlane would say.

Despite finishing at No. 2 on this weekend’s box office list, Channing Tatum has another certified blockbuster on his hands. Magic Mike earned nearly $40 million in its first weekend, which is fantastic for its $7 million budget. But the big winner was Seth MacFarlane and his foul-mouthed teddy bear, Retread Ted, which grossed $54 million.

The victory comes as a mild surprise, as people still love MacFarlane’s self-aware brand of “edgy” comedy, and a lot of my friends and Twitter peoples told me that they really enjoyed Ted. And as much as I wanted Magic Mike to be the clear winner, horny cougars and sorority girls can only carry a film so far. Although, I will say that out-profiting a film $32 million to $4 million is one hell of a victory.

The rest of the box office – including another big weekend for Tyler Perry *sigh* – after the jump, as well as some thoughts on Magic Mike.

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New York street artist Jilly Ballistic proves he (she?) knows what us FilmDrunkards have known all along: low-hanging fruit tastes delicious. Also, that’s a lot of work to say that Adam Sandler’s new movie sucks (read Burnsy’s review here). The rest of America sent the same message two weeks ago, simply by sitting on our fat asses.

Andy Samberg still rules though.

[via TheCount. Thanks to everyone who sent me this.]