It shouldn’t take an expert to tell you a guy wearing a wig, fishnets, and a rope tied around his junk didn’t kill himself, but it’s still nice to hear.

The independent forensics expert who examined David Carradine’s body says the actor didn’t commit suicide, and Carradine’s brothers are asking for understanding as Thai authorities investigate.
The family also released a statement from Dr. Michael Baden, who said Carradine’s death wasn’t a suicide. He said further information from Thailand is needed for a final determination.
Keith and Robert Carradine say they’re grateful for the outpouring of support during what they call a “profoundly painful time.” In a statement read Thursday in Los Angeles, they also thanked U.S. and Thai authorities for their work. [AP]

By understanding, I’m guessing they mean the opposite of sending me pictures like this (tisk, tisk, you guys).  It’s hard to tell from these early reports if the examiner’s determination of “not suicide” also extends to “not an autoerotic asphyxiation accident”.  As I’ve previously speculated, based on the idea that people don’t usually dress up to jerk off, it seems more likely that it was an accident, and someone else may have been doing the choking.  But either way, “I came so hard I died” doesn’t seem like the worst way to go.

(They may have to bring in Oscar De La Hoya as a Hannibal Lecter-type consultant)

I’m not going to say the David Carradine story just got weirder, because someone’s already mentioned the possibility of ninjas. Let’s just say there’s some new information.  A Thai tabloid published pictures of Carradine’s body, adding some new details to our mental image of this:

The photo shows a body suspended from a bar in a closet, with his hands bound together above his head. Carradine’s genitals were also tied.  But the new sharper image also reveals what appears to be fishnet stockings covering the body. You can also see red women’s lingerie on the bed. And, it appears, Carradine may have been wearing a dark wig. [TMZ]

I can see choking yourself and tying ropes around your junk while you’re jacking off because hey, sometimes you gotta spice things up.  But who gets dressed up to masturbate?  Sounds to me like he had a hooker over, he accidentally overasphyxiated, and when she (or he) noticed he wasn’t breathing she pulled a Farley and got the hell out of there.  Admittedly I’m not a ninja expert, but this doesn’t sound like the work of the ninja.  They tend to kill people quickly and silently, without sticking around to add bizarre details to the crime scene.  You rarely see a group of ninjas standing around going, “Yeah, that’s good – now smear some lipstick on his face, put a carrot up his ass, and make it look like he was drawing a picture of a cow.”

Well, that “natural causes” business was sure fun while it lasted, wasn’t it?  Turns out by “natural causes” they meant “in the act of masturbating.”  Natural as anything, I guess.  You’d be way more likely to catch me jacking off than having a stroke or a gay ass heart attack, so there you go.

The body of American actor David Carradine, best known for the 1970s TV series “Kung Fu,” was found in a hotel room closet with a rope tied to his neck and genitals, and his death may have been caused by accidental suffocation, Thai police said Friday.

Police Lt. Gen. Worapong Chewprecha told reporters that Carradine was found with a rope tied around his genitals and another rope around his neck.

“The two ropes were tied together,” he said. “It is unclear whether he committed suicide or not or he died of suffocation or heart failure.” [AP Bangkok]

…Yeah, I’m gonna go with accidental.  I doubt he was committing suicide and thought, “Okay, lemme just finish writing this note, then I’ll get naked and tie a rope around my cock and we’ll be good to go.”  I guess it’s for the best.  I mean, if you’re gonna go, it might as well be by autoerotic asphyxiating accident in Thailand.  Cancer is for housewives and middle managers.

(image via @loljocks_grimey)

So quickly the stories change…  What was just a few minutes ago “natural causes” now appears to be “suicide by hanging.”

Thai police told the BBC the 72-year-old was found by a hotel maid sitting in a wardrobe with a rope around his neck and body on Thursday morning [is wardrobe British for closet?  does that mean he hung himself sitting down?  that's willpower.  and why would the rope be around his body?]. The US star was in Thailand filming his latest film Stretch, [don't even say it...] according to his personal manager Chuck Binder.
Mr Binder said the news was “shocking”, adding: “He was full of life, always wanting to work… a great person.”
Carradine was part of an acting dynasty which included his father, John Carradine, and brothers Bruce, Keith and Robert.
The star was best known for his role as Kwai Chang Caine in the 1970s TV series Kung Fu, which spawned sequels in the ’80s and ’90s. He is survived by his wife, Annie Bierman, and four children. [BBC]

Man, this sucks.  Why does David Carradine hang himself while Seltzer and Friedberg go on making movies?  But the fact that the story keeps changing gives me hope that maybe this will turn out to be just another wacky Brüno stunt.

After the jump, I’ve got the brand new, English subtitled-trailer for Fireball.  You know how in America when you need money to go to medical school or pay for your little sister’s bone marrow transplant, the natural solution is to join a hip hop dance crew and win the step contest?  Well in Thailand, they play karate basketball.  With swords.  And in case you were wondering whether there’s parkour involved, you better believe there’s f-cking parkour involved.
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