Part of this story is a bit old, as it happened at the Independent Spirit Awards, which are held the night before the Oscars every year, presumably so that the Spirits can be easily overshadowed and get as little press coverage as possible. I missed this at the time, but Matthew McConaughey was on Fresh Air with Terry Gross this week, to promote Mud, which opens this weekend. Gross played a clip of McConaughey’s turn as a presenter at the Spirit awards, where he introduced best picture nominee Bernie, in which he had a supporting role, as did his mother, Kay. When he was onstage talking about Bernie, he told this story:

Since Bernie, and her time onscreen, she corners every producer that she can find on any set that I’m on or otherwise, and pitches her great idea. Of remaking The Graduate. With HER playing Anne Bancroft role. And guess who’s gonna be the Dustin Hoffman role? Me. No shit! This is my mother. Dead serious. And she might have good money-making idea, but it is kinda weird. Incestuous and everything. And if you ask her, and I’ve even said it, I go “Mom, you don’t get how that’s odd?” And her answer’s the same every time, “Oh get over it, I’ve seen it, it’s not that big of a deal.”

Count me in. It’d be the first film we could crowdfund on both Kickstarter AND F*ckstarter. Again, that part of the story isn’t new, but the awesome weirdness of the McConaughey family is as compelling as the zen bongo master himself. You may remember that Kay McConaughey, now 81, is the same woman who self-published an autobiography in 2008, in which she claimed that her late husband died while they were having sex, and that she insisted that his body be removed from the house naked.

“I was just so proud to show off my big old Jim McConaughey — and his gift.”

Corpse boners, dude. For real. But that’s not the last McConaughey Family story from the show:

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A police sketch of the assailant

I scoured the internet and manhandled my sources, searching for the most important story of the day, and one rose to the top above all others: a mail carrier named “Reeves” was attacked by a lemur named “Keanu.” (*picks up phone, dials Oliver Stone*)

HOUSTON COUNTY, TX (KTRE) – A Grapeland woman is recovering from an injury she received from the teeth of a lemur while she was delivering mail on her rural route Tuesday.

Marla Reeves said she was delivering mail in the mailbox at 4:38 p.m. on County Road 2345 when the lemur jumped into her vehicle, bit her hand and arm and then jumped out.

“I was fixing to pull away and when I looked back to pull away that’s when I felt the pain in my hand,” Reeves said. “I looked at my hand and the lemur was on my hand and I lifted up my arm like this and blood was running down my arm.”

“I seent the blood, an I was fixin’ to take my shirt back to the manufacturer, but then I reckons was probably the dad gum lemur that just done bit me.”

The lemur belonged to a resident in the area, who managed to chase it into her shed, according to Sheriff Darrell Bobbitt. Bobbitt said the lemur is in quarantine for 30 days to be sure it does not have rabies. He said there is a request in to the county attorney’s office to determine if anymore legal action can be taken.

You name your kid “Darrell Bobbitt,” it pretty much guarantees he’s going to grow up to become a small-town Sheriff who specializes in chasing animals into sheds.

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When you spend the better part of a decade busting your ass to establish a reputation as the world’s greatest storytelling womanizer, you shouldn’t be too shocked when it sticks with you long after you’d like it to. At least that’s the lesson that frat god Tucker Max is learning now that he’s kind of, sort of trying to do something nice with the wealth and fame that he’s achieved since writing I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell.

Max contacted his friend and Forbes contributor Ryan Holiday recently, asking for advice on a charity that he could donate $500,000 to, in order to both reduce his tax burden and promote his latest books. Holiday suggested that Max donate the money to Planned Parenthood in Texas to have a clinic named after himself. And that’s when the joke machine exploded.

At first Planned Parenthood was on board and grateful, but then someone apparently taught them how to use Google and they called and offered Max and Holiday a hearty, “Thanks but no thanks, broseph.”

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FilmDrunkard Daniel sent in this shot from the Texas State Fair outside Dallas. This ride was covered with fine airbrushings of hot women, biker dudes, future cities, skyscapes, and OF COURSE, Nic Cage as Cameron Poe from Con Air.

MORNING LINKS
Meme Watch: Aaron Rodgers Photobombing Throughout History |With Leather|

The Best Of Ellen Muthaf*ckin’ Barkin’s Muthf*ckin’ Tweets So Muthaf*ckin’ Far |UPROXX|

What if we replaced the star-studded cast of New Year’s Eve with Terrence Howard in different hats? |Film Drunk|

‘Breaking Bad’ Wrap Parties Are Awesome |Warming Glow|

Star Wars Taxidermy Sadly Just Photoshop |Gamma Squad|

10 Things You Didn’t Know About The Movie Swingers |Buzzfeed|

From Elton John to The Pixies: 21 Great Movie Music Cues |Moviefone|

So Gaddafi is dead, it looks like. Which is… good? Let’s not pretend any of us know sh*t about Libya. |TDW|

ScarJo is banging JGL, supposedly. Haha, I’m so lame. |TheSuperficial|

A duet with Siri. |DogandPonyShowWebsite|

The bunched-panty squad is after Ricky Gervais again, this time for saying “mong.” |Videogum|

31 unbelievable high school mascots. |MentalFloss|

Here’s Wayne Newton going Joe Namath on Michele Bachmann in case you’re in the mood for nausea. |Yahoo|

Five TV Shows that Started Great, Went Bad and Then Were Great Again |The Smoking Jacket|

The 12 Crappiest Movies of Carla Gugino’s Career |Pajiba|

George Carlin Answered A 14 Year-Old’s Letter |NextRound|

Seven frivolous Hollywood lawsuits. |ScreenJunkies|

5 obscure sports that will help you in a zombie apocalypse. |HolyTaco|

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Say there were two people in a theater. One of them was a guy who was texting during the movie. The other was a woman who tapped the guy on the shoulder and told him to knock it off. The guy made a scene, screaming at her and storming out of the theater (which, as we know, never would’ve been allowed to happen at the Alamo Drafthouse). Now, out of the two, which one of them do you think was levied a $260 fine? If you answered the lady, congratulations, you are the state of Texas. (This instance aside, it’s the best state to be, because people are always saying not to mess with you).

Meet Dale Fout [pictured, left] and Brenda Godwin. One weekday in April, they both went to a movie theater in Grapevine.
Both are 54. Fout, a marketing consultant, describes himself as a 220-pound “pretty big guy. I’m broad. I’m not fat. Used to play football.” Godwin says she is a 136-pound skin care specialist.

I like to imagine that they asked Fout, “So, tell us a little about yourself.” And his answer was, “I’m broad but I’m not fat. I used to play football.” Oh, did you? Dude, you’re 54. Unless you played 10 years in the pros, no one gives a sh*t what sport you played in high school.

Her side
“He had his phone out. The light was shining at me. I’m thinking, ‘He’s going to turn it off.’” But he didn’t. ‘OK, this is ridiculous.’ So I reached over and tapped him on the shoulder. It was very bright. I was only trying to get his attention. He whipped around and said, ‘Don’t ever touch me.’ I was a little taken aback.
“He jumps up and whirls around towards me and says, ‘I am charging you with assault,’ and he flew out of the theater.”

His side
“I got a text, and I responded to it because it was something important. It was something that was on a deadline situation, OK.  [GRRR, MARKETING CAMPAIGNS NEVER SLEEP! -Ed] I held it against my chest purposely where I could barely see it. … I could text but hide the majority of the light coming from the phone.
“She said something. I couldn’t make it out. That’s why I turned. She was probably saying something like, ‘Get off your phone.’ I turned, and she pushed. She just happened to push my neck at the time my neck was in an awkward position. Kinda like having a little fender bender, and you get a little whiplash in your neck, you know.”

“Plus, it aggravated an old football injury. Did I mention I played football?”

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