As happens surprisingly often, Joss Whedon did something today, and the internet sh-t its collective pants.  As I first reported last month, Halcyon is auctioning off the rights to the Terminator franchise later this month.  On his blog, Joss Whedon, the man behind Dollhouse and Serenity and Buffy and Firefly, made an allegedly comedic pitch for it.  Here’s the letter, since everyone seems to care.  Go ahead and add this to the growing list of things Joss Whedon did that I didn’t really understand.

An Open Letter to the Terminator Owners. From a Very Important Hollywood Mogul

Dear Sirs/Ma’ams,
I am Joss Whedon, the mastermind behind Titan A.E., Parenthood (not the movie) (or the new series) (or the one where ‘hood’ was capitalized ’cause it was a pun), and myriad other legendary tales. I have heard through the ‘grapevine’ that the Terminator franchise is for sale, and I am prepared to make a pre-emptive bid RIGHT NOW to wrap this dealio up. This is not a joke, this is not a scam, this is not available on TV. I will write a check TODAY for $10,000, and viola! Terminator off your hands.

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After already changing hands a bunch of times, the rights to the Terminator franchise were bought by Halcyon (Derek Anderson and Victor Kubicek) in 2007 for $25 million.  They subsequently released Terminator Salvation this year, but despite the film earning $371 million worldwide, Halcyon is in bankruptcy court owing creditors between $4 and $32 million.  Since the rights to the Terminator franchise are their only asset, they’re selling them, and they want $60 million.

“We’re going to be contacting a variety of studios and independent companies,” said Kevin Shultz, senior managing director at FTI. “We think the values are considerably in excess of the purchase price.”

In a previous bankruptcy court filing, Anderson claimed that the Terminator rights are now worth more than $60 million, more than double what he and Kubicek paid. Shultz said his firm will conduct its own analysis. Such valuations, which are based on forthcoming cash flow from “Salvation,” which has yet to be released on DVD, as well as potential further sequels, can vary widely because the performance of future films is so difficult to predict. [LA Times]

If someone pays $60 million for the rights — which they probably won’t — but if they pay anywhere near that, it’s hard to imagine they’d spend that much unless they were planning to make another Terminator movie.  (Then again, it’s hard to imagine someone paying $25 million for the rights, making a movie that earns almost $400 million, and still ending up bankrupt, but that’s another story).  I can only hope Fox buys the rights and hires Randi Mayem Singer to write the script.  In a world, where John Connor is raised by an African-American family, one straitlaced robot will learn how to loosen up, and one community will be turned upside down. Starring Sinbad, Duane the Rock Johnson, and Channing Tatum.  Terminator 5: I’ll be Black.  Opens Judgement Day, August 29th 2011.

^{Terrifying robot video after the jump}

Hey, guess which country is building terrifying humanoid robots!

The creators of the Child-robot with Biomimetic Body, or CB2, say it’s slowly developing social skills by interacting with humans and watching their facial expressions, mimicking a mother-baby relationship. The team is trying to teach the pint-sized android to think like a baby who evaluates its mother’s countless facial expressions and “clusters” them into basic categories, such as happiness and sadness.

Professor Minoru Asada, also a member of the Japanese Society of Baby Science [Editor's Note: !!!!!], said the CB2 has taught itself how to walk with the aid of a human and can now move its body through a room quite smoothly, using 51 “muscles” driven by air pressure.

In coming decades, Asada expects science will come up with a “robo species” that has learning abilities somewhere between those of a human and other primate species such as the chimpanzee [hopefully without the chimp-like propensity to rip off your face and genitals].

Thousands of humanoids could be working alongside humans in a decade or so, if that is what society wants, said Fumio Miyazaki, engineering science professor at the Toyonaka Campus of Osaka University. “Robots have hearts,” said Kokoro planning department manager Yuko Yokota. “They don’t look human unless we put souls in them. When manufacturing a robot, there comes a moment when light flickers in its eyes. That’s when we know our work is done.”

Public opinion in Japan may be more open to robots than in the West, where dark science fiction visions from movies such as “Bladerunner” and “Terminator” have conjured images of robo-soldiers taking over the world. “Japanese people have a friendly image towards robots,” said Toshiba’s Yoshimi.

Asada said Japan’s indigenous animistic belief system may also have readied people to accept human-like robots with minds of their own.  “Everything has a mind — the mind of the lamp, the mind of the chair, the soul of the desk,” he said, pointing at objects in his office.  Therefore the machines should have their mind too. If we proceed in this study, machines may have something like a human mind or ‘robo-mind’,” he said. [Breitbart]

Say for the sake of argument I had them build me a beautiful sex-bot with the mind of a chimp and the lithe, nubile exoskeleton of a 15-year-old.  Theoretically, would that be wrong?  I mean, the heart wants what it wants, and what it wants is a monkey-brained rape machine.
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Both CHUD and AICN are reporting a rumor today that Christian Bale has been cast in Terminator 4 (Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins).  This being the second movie of the Terminator franchise with neither James Cameron nor Arnold Schwartzenegger.  Oh, and did I mention the director for this one is Brett Ratner’s douchier and more painfully mediocre cousin McG? [Ed Note: I don't mean actual cousins, just that they both suck really bad]

Devin Faraci at CHUD also heard the rumor about Christian Bale in Terminator Salvation and was working on getting confirmation or denial from Bale’s representation when Harry Knowles @ AICN broke the story first. However, what’s different about the CHUD version is that the industry source that talked to Faraci told him that Bale would be playing a Terminator and not John Connor.

Fast-forward a couple of hours later and now Faraci has heard from a different source that claims Bale isn’t playing a Terminator or Connor but a new character in the Terminator mythos. Huzzah? [MovieBlog]

Translation: This whole story is completely bogus.  Christian Bale in a McG movie?  No way.  The thing about Christian Bale, other than the fact that he’s probably the dude I’d bone if you put a gun to my head and told me I had to bone a dude (oh crap, did I say that out loud?), is that when he picks a bad project, it’s usually something artsy fartsy (I’m Not There) or high minded (The New World).  The guy who directed Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle qualifies for neither.  

To put it another way, most of Bale’s less than stellar projects in the last five years have been like a svelte Thai lady boy – something regrettable, but an otherwise honest mistake (you know, so I’ve heard).  A McG movie is more like 6 foot 5 tranny with a five-o’clock shadow and an adam’s apple like a baseball.  And its huge dick hanging out.  

One consequence of the writer’s strike may be that the studios begin shooting movies without a writer on board.  From Variety:

"There’s no such thing as a locked script," says one Sony-based producer who has a go project.

"How can you make a movie without a writer?" asks manager Patty Detroit. "You can’t!"

Sony, for example, has at least two big-budget, high-profile "go" films that may have incomplete scripts and/or major casting holes. Paul Haggis admitted while walking the strike line last week that his script for "Bond 22," which is skedded to shoot in December, is not locked. Similarly, the script for "Angels & Demons," was rushed to meet the Nov. 1 deadline.

Major tentpoles are the most vulnerable should the strike drag on. Warner Bros. execs are nervous about how to proceed with "Justice League of America," which is still uncast and is a crucial potential franchise boasting popular DC Comics characters. "Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins" will face issues if the strike goes past April. "The Jetsons" has a locked script, but it is uncast. 

Does “tentpole” mean “piece of shit”?  It must.  Wow, not only are they dumb enough to actually make a JLA, Jetsons, and fourth Terminator movie, they might shoot them without writers.  That will be interesting.  [picture courtesy of Box Office Psychics]

Paramount, on the other hand, threw four pricey A-list scribes at would-be $100-million franchise "G.I. Joe," which is scheduled to start shooting in February, and swears that the move paid off. Stuart Beattie ("3:10 to Yuma"), John Lee Hancock ("A Perfect World") and Brian Koppleman and David Levien ("Ocean’s Thirteen") teamed up in an intense collaboration that yielded, according to di Bonaventura, a shootable script.

Shootable, now that’s high praise.  I try to give my girlfriend the same kind of encouragement.  Whenever she gives me a blow job and then asks me how it was, I shrug my shoulders and go, "Meh."  Girls go crazy for that lovey dovey shit.    

Fox is moving full speed ahead with its "X-Men" spinoff "Wolverine," even though many roles are still uncast. Unlike "X-Men," "Wolverine" rests solidly on Hugh Jackman’s shoulders.

On "X-Men" pics, Parker admits, writers Simon Kinberg and Zak Penn were making adjustments throughout production. "Wolverine" will have no such luxury. Most action sequences will be handled in f/x animation.

Ugh… Let’s follow up a Brett Ratner abortion with an FX-heavy, writer-free romp.  Sounds promising.

"The X-Files" sequel, while casting supporting roles, is to start in December, Parker says. Pulling the plug now would be prohibitively expensive.

Well, they’ve already pissed away millions, no choice but to piss away more, right?  Nevermind that the show went off the air five years ago, or that the first movie was a turd anyway.  It’s like Speed 4: Script of Doom!   

Check out this even doomier and gloomier article in the NYTimes.