The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles came out when I was a kid but still sell a buttload of toys, which is why you hear Hollywood announce a new Ninja Turtles project every six months or so.  The last movie was WB’s CGI TMNT in 2007 (remember when New Kids on the Block tried to reinvent themselves as NKOTB?  On second thought, forget I said that.).  Viacom acquired the rights earlier this year, and in May it was announced that Michael Bay’s company, Platinum Dunes, would be producing the latest version. Now the word is that Paramount has hired Iron Man writers Art Marcum and Matt Holloway to write it, paying them ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

“The studio is looking at this as its next huge franchise, like Transformers,” a source just told me. Paramount’s Adam Goodman is fast-tracking and wants a first draft by October for a 2012 release.  Marcum and Holloway shared credit on Marvel’s Iron Man and just wrote the Highlander reboot for Summit, which will start shooting next year under helmer Justin Lin whose Fast And Furious 5 is filming right now for Universal.
The speed is understandable since Viacom Inc’s Nickelodeon acquired the rights to the property for $60 million, in partnership with sister company Paramount Pictures. [Deadline]

Much as I like Iron Man, the script was the least of the reasons why.  In fact, last I heard from Jeff Bridges, Iron Man didn’t even really have a script.

“They had no script, man!” Bridges exclaims [see? I told you].

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The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise will receive yet another reboot, this time as Michael Bay’s Platinum Dunes company has signed on to produce the latest installment of the Heroes in the Half Shell. Nickelodeon purchased the title last year for $60 million, which means that Paramount is now essentially the owner of the turtles. So look for the latest installment to feature Shredder capturing Splinter thanks to a tie-in from Mouse Trap.

There is no word on new plotlines or casting for the latest TMNT films by Platinum Dunes, which I think was also the name of the company we hired for my Bar Mitzvah. The film will return to the original franchise’s roots with a live action version, as opposed to the animated film from 2007. That means Bay and Co. will need to search for a feisty redhead to play the ambitious reporter April O’Neil, and I’d like to suggest Emma Stone on Diora Baird’s shoulders. Or vice versa. I’m not picky.

I’ll take my pizza with anchovies and Spam, Cinema Blend:

You likely know the name Platinum Dunes from the valiant work they’ve done destroying the reputations of perfectly good horror franchises, from the OK Friday the 13th remake last year to the recent dreadful A Nightmare on Elm Street. Platinum Dunes partners Brad Fuller, Andrew Form and Michael Bay will all serve as producers on the new turtles films, which puts Paramount in the Michael Bay business in a big way as the third Transformers film gets cranking.

Growing up, I was a huge fan of the Ninja Turtles cartoon, always hoping that the gang would defeat the evil testicles alien Krang and Shredder. I only hope that Platinum Dunes can tap into what made the cartoon so great in the first place, as well as the failures of the first two films, such as horrible acting, the absence of Rocksteady and Bebop, and super emo Raphael.

But one thing is for sure, this franchise has always brought the super tizzight soundtracks.

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So they’re making another live-action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie.  Mirage studios owns the rights and they just hired John Fusco to write the script.  The best part of the story?  Check out the heavy lifting the Variety writer has to do to make this sound like a good idea.

Fusco will certainly be able to handle the action elements.

He’s been practicing martial arts since he was 12, and continues to study Shaolin kung fu. He penned last year’s actioner “The Forbidden Kingdom,” starring Jackie Chan and Jet Li. He also wrote a redo of “The Seven Samurai” for the Weinstein Co. His other credits include “Hidalgo” and “Young Guns.” [Variety]

Wow, he’s been taking Kung Fu since he was 12???  Perfect!  Who better to write a Ninja Turtles movie?  Wait, I have an idea: What about Keanu Reeves?  He knows Kung Fu AND has the added benefit of not having written Hidalgo.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are getting another movie, this time a “live-action origin story.”  Okay.

The Mirage Group, which owns the property, is moving forward with a live-action film focusing on the origins of the iconic crime fighters. News coincides with the Turtles’ 25th anniversary celebration, which kicks off Thursday in New York as the first “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” film unspools at the Tribeca Film Festival.
[Co-creator Peter] Laird said the film will remain true to the spirit of the original comicbooks. He added that the pic may employ face replacement technology, which would allow the turtles to be much more expressive. [Variety]

Okay, so I was a kid when Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles came out.  Is it weird that I’m not the least bit nostalgic about them?  We already know the origin story: A giant rat taught them karate, what’s left to explain?  I’ve never stayed awake at night wondering if we’d ever find out why Michaelangelo loves pizza.  If you want people to get wistful about something, you have to stop skullf*cking the money out of it for three seconds