Because I know that we’re all on the edges of our seats for the release of Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom, Vivid Video has a new trailer available on its website that boasts other such celebrity sex tape superstars like Kim Kardashian, Mindy McCready, Chyna, Shauna Sand, Carissa Shannon, Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson, Montana Fishburne and Vince Neil, among others. And just like all of those other celebrity sex tapes *wink, wink, wink, wink* this one was totally never meant to be seen by the public.

Except we know that it was, because Farrah Abraham, one of the stars of MTV’s Teen Mom, was paid an estimated $1.5 million for her efforts, depending on which reports you believe, and her sex tape co-star is James Deen, who is arguably the most recognizable male porn star in the business today. And he said it was staged, as was their fake relationship, and then she responded by telling TMZ that he has a small penis, which was hilarious because he’s a porn star.

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Last we heard from Farrah Abraham, she of MTV’s Teen Mom “fame,” she had become a cautionary tale for pseudo-celebs trying to climb Jacob’s fame ladder using a sex tape everywhere. Her first mistake was hiring a porn star (James Deen) to shoot it with. Her second mistake was assuming he’d play along with her lame idea of pretending to be boyfriend and girlfriend for the paparazzi. Her third mistake was telling people he had a small penis after it all went south, which was clearly a brilliant insult to use on a guy whose job is showing people his penis. Man, it’s like everything that comes out of her is a mistake. While a just world would award her zero points and may God have mercy on her soul, she apparently managed to weasel almost $1 million out of Vivid for a tape that will reportedly be called Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom. Hey, credit where credit’s due, it’s a good title.

About three weeks after she filmed a sex tape with adult film star James Deen — and a couple weeks of very public negotiations — the 21-year-old former Teen Mom star has reportedly landed a deal with porn company Vivid. According to TMZ, Abraham has signed a contract with Vivid’s Steve Hirsch for nearly a million dollars. The site also reports that the film now has its raunchy title: Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom.

I don’t know, man. I’m just not sure if I can enjoy a porn tape now that I know the stars aren’t really in love.

The lucrative payday is a little bit less than Abraham had publicly hoped for. Copping to the existence of the tape to Us Weekly on April 10, Abraham mused, “I will not be settling for anything less then a couple million.” In the days that followed, Abraham was shot visiting Vivid’s offices (in the company of daughter Sophia, 3, and her father) and lunching with Hirsch as they reportedly hammered out the details of the deal.
Why did Abaraham do it in the first place? Sources told Us that she’s desperate to revive her career after Teen Mom’s September 2012 finale failed to lead to a new reality show. “She tried to recruit a boyfriend for Couples Therapy,” one pal told Us. “But no one would do it.”
She mused to Us of the film: “When I’m older, I’ll have my best year to look back on.”

I don’t know if she was misquoted, or if she really said her best “year,” singular. If she really did, my God, I want to sop up that pathos with a biscuit. Meanwhile, TMZ has the actual DVD cover:

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As a rule, I try not to stay abreast of “news” concerning the “stars” of MTV’s Teen Mom. But then Teen Mom Farrah had to go and get mixed up with porn star-cum-movie star James Deen, and now she’s become some kind of cautionary tale for anyone trying to use a sex tape to get famous. It’s a bizarre dance we do, where you can catapult to fame from a sex tape, but only if you make it look like something you never wanted to get out (even though a sex tape couldn’t leak on much of a scale unless it has the star’s consent). Recently, it sounds like Farrah Abraham of Teen Mom and Vivid cooked up a plan to “leak” a sex tape starring her and James Deen. Only it backfired when Deen refused to play ball (heh) on the “oops, I didn’t know I was being filmed” part of the bargain. Oh, and also the part where he’s already a porn star. Mark your calendars, this is an important date in history.

Abraham is still bitter after Deen revealed her plot to follow reality starlets like Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian who shot to fame following sex tape scandals.
After adamantly denying she even made a sex tape, the 21-year-old finally confessed to doing it “for her personal collection” and that it was never intended to go public.
Deen’s admission paints a different picture stating Abraham knew all along that it would eventually be released and that the whole thing was staged.
“If you’re going to make a celebrity sex tape and try to pass it off as an amateur home video, you don’t hire a well-known porn star! You hire, like, some random dude,” he told Today.com.

Bingo, unlikely voice of reason James Deen, this is why the show isn’t called “Teen Brain Surgeon.” (By the way, I would totally watch Teen Brain Surgeon, in case anyone at MTV is reading this).

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This week on the Frotcast, it’s the triumphant return of Burnsy, because one listener so vocally demanded it. He hips us to some fresh YouTube clips, like Brittany Smooch’s “Pink on Pink,” and a Teen Mom from MTV who wants to schedule her jail time around a Ke$ha concert. Burnsy also updates us on the how his list of 2012′s worst movies is going, and what he’ll need to see to complete it. Then Laremy drops by for some listing, and pitches his idea for a human-sized doggie door, which frankly seems like a winner. We discuss Killing Them Softly and Beasts of the Southern Wild, and Brendan yet again accurately describes an entire scene from an overrated arthouse movie without having seen a single second of it, not even a trailer. Adam’s got your detailed episode notes after the cut.

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