The crotch bulge is from his knuckles, you pervert.

Good news! After last week’s abysmal releases, this week we’ve actually got some decent flicks hitting DVD. Besides Skyfall, there’s The Sessions and The Man With The Iron Fists.  We’ve got movies starring Helen Hunt, Emma Watson and Russell Crowe.  We’ve got films with robots, thieves, bullies, and cartoons about Monty Python.  There are films about perky wallflowers and 28 hotel rooms. We’ve got gigantic Dutch teddy bears and even a hard-partying Bigfoot.

The DVDs:
Skyfall
The Sessions
The Man With The Iron Fists
The Perks Of Being A Wallflower
Robot & Frank
Bully
Silent Hill: Revelation
A Liar’s Autobiography: The Untrue Story Of Monty Python’s Graham Chapman
28 Hotel Rooms
The Thieves
Teddy Bear
Vigilante Vigilante: The Battle For Expression
Kill For Me
Smiley
Mimesis: Night Of The Living Dead
Bigfoot’s Wild Weekend

Streaming: Check out your choices here.

At least one of these films includes Oscar-nominated full-frontal nudity.  Want to know which one?  Continue reading and I promise you’ll find out.  Two of these films are about thieves.  One of them is Robot & Frank, to find out what the other one is, continue reading. As always, you can simply skip the DVDs altogether by clicking the streaming link above, but if you do that you’ll never know which film shows flopping dong. Read the rest of this entry »

Anyone will tell you, writing scripts is hard. Then when you’re done, getting anyone to read it is even harder. That’s why the real movers and shakers of Hollywood just bypass the process altogether and get movies greenlit based on board games or breakfast cereals. And today we’ve entered an even braver, newer world, now that New Line is developing a project based on a one-frame illustration (pictured below). Basically, The Rock’s former assistant was stoned trolling DeviantArt one night, found an illustration he liked, brought it to The Rock and the director of Journey 2, they got it in production at New Line, and bingo bango, some screenwriter now has the worst job since the guy who had to write Bazooka Joe.

The picture in question was drawn by Alex Panagopoulos, a Greek software engineer turned fantasy artist.

Very typical of the Greek economy.

It features a little girl asleep in bed while a small brown teddy bear — brandishing a laughably small wooden sword and shield — holds an enormous, fanged monster at bay. And in the fashion of a motivational poster, a caption reads “Teddy Bears: Protecting innocent children from monsters under the bed since 1902.” (The teddy bear was invented in 1902 by Morris Michtom, who was inspired by a political cartoon featuring President Theodore Roosevelt and a bear he refused to shoot.)

Speaking of which, when are we getting a Teddy Roosevelt movie? That guy busted trusts, shot Spaniards on horse back, rode moose across rivers, and gave an 80-minute speech after getting shot in the chest with a .38 from point-blank range. Teddy Roosevelt makes Abe Lincoln look like a doddering eunuch.

Oh right, I suppose you want to see the picture.

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This isn’t the first time I’ve told you about Teddy Bear, Seth MacFarlane’s $65 million,

Mark Wahlberg — of all people — is considering the lead role in Seth MacFarlane’s Teddy Bear, a comedy about a 33 year old man whose Teddy Bear comes to life and poses problems for him as an adult when it gets in the way of a relationship with his girlfriend. The Teddy Bear is described as something that, I sh*t you not, likes to party, pick up women, smoke pot, and play video games. Note, too, that there are roles in the movie for a racist homosexual, a woman obsessed with talking about men shaving their assh*les, and a “Jewish-looking” person who makes anti-Semitic remarks. In other words: Typical MacFarlane.

“Teddy Bear”?  Why not just “Drop Dead Ted”?  Seems like the obvious choice. Anyway, if you’re in the market for a racist homosexual, there’s always Liam Neeson.  That fruit cake’s always spouting off about how much he hates N-words.  It’s always “n-word this,” and “n-word that.”  It’s like, jeez, Neeson, give it a rest, did you not get enough c*ck or something?
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