To be honest, I’m a little perplexed at people’s continued fascination with this whole Human Centipede thing. As far as I’m concerned, “DUTCH GUY TRIES TO GROSS PEOPLE OUT, SUCCEEDS” is like the ENTIRE STORY. Also, didn’t someone already threaten to sew George Costanza’s ass to his face in like ’95? But every time I post a new Centipede story it gets like ten billion hits, so here we are. It’s like I’ve got a bunch of goddamned Germans reading this site. Anyway, here we have the Australian teaser for Human Centipede 2: The Full Sequence, which promises to be six jillion percent more medically accurate, vis-a-vis people eating other peoples’ sh*t. I don’t even know what that sentence means. You figure it out, sh*teaters.

Here’s the partial synopsis:

…a scene early in the film depicts  [the protagonist] as he masturbates whilst he watches a DVD of the original Human Centipede film, with sandpaper wrapped around his penis, and a sequence later in the film in which he becomes aroused at the sight of the members of the ‘centipede’ being forced to defecate into one another’s mouths, culminating in sight of the man wrapping barbed wire around his penis and raping the woman at the rear of the ‘centipede’.

But this teaser doesn’t show any of that, only people vomiting while they watch it, as if they needed to further drive home the point that “THIS IS GOING TO BE GROSS.” Could this be any more like Scrotie McBoogerballs at this point? In fact, Tom Six should have to change his name to “Scrotie McBoogerballs.” (Either that or “Piss Christ”). But given that he’s Dutch, that probably wouldn’t even be the silliest name on his street.  At least, not as long as he’s living next door to Dilkok von Veenerturds, the famous penis doctor. POOP RAPE TURDS DOODY BUTT, QUEEFY FARTING BUNGHOLE PEE SNATCH. DONKEY TITS.

The first teaser for The Hunger Games premiered last night at the MTV VMAs (watch it below), and you could practically hear MTV praying for this to become the new Twilight. It was directed by Gary Ross (Seabiscuit, Pleasantville) and stars nubile Oscar nominee Jennifer Lawrence, so at least that’s an upgrade over Pouty McLipbite. According to IMDB, it also stars Liam Hemsworth, Josh Hutcherson, and Elizabeth Banks. Yay, Caucasians!

In a dystopian future America is now Panem, a nation made up of twelve impoverished districts, all ruled by a militant capitol where technology and excess are a way of life. Every year the capitol holds a televised battle royal, where one male and female teenager from the twelve districts must battle to the death for the pleasure of capitol. When a young hunter from District 12 named Katniss Everdeen (Jennifer Lawrence) sacrifices herself to save her little sister from the games, she embarks on a brave fight for survival that could change a nation. [Screenrant]

When I first heard about it, I thought it sounded like your basic post-apocalyptic, battle-to-the-death movie that they release every four months. But this time, it’s based on a book. Ooh la la!

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Hot off the release of their “Being Green” teaser (a sort of fictional faux rom-com), the marketing team for The Muppets has just released a new teaser, focusing more on the actual muppets.  This one’s called “The Fuzzy Pack,” presumably a play on The Hangover‘s “Wolf Pack” campaign.  Once again, the producers have done a brilliant job combining things that I love, in this case, namely, muppets and Danny Trejo. Chingón, guey, it must be my lucky day. Although this role might be a stretch for Trejo.  He’s a solid actor, I’m just not sure he has the versatility to pull off “convict.”

“Mira, Frog, ju theenk you’re the only one who’s had a feest up hees culo? Welcome to prison ése.”

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Lionsgate just released the new trailer for the Conan the Barbarian remake, starring Baywatch Hawaii wunderkind Jason Momoa and Ron I’m-in-every-genre-movie Perlman. Additional gossip fact for the ladies: Momoa has two children with former Cosby Show actress Lisa Bonet, the youngest named “Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa.”  GRRR, VOWELS! Not to mention the rare first-name hyphen.  Looks like you just got served, last-name hyphenated people. Your hippie parents must be so embarrassed.

Conan opens August 19th, and it was directed by Marcus Nispel, of Pathfinder and Friday the 13th remake fame, so it’ll probably be really good (*armpit fart to indicate sarcasm*).  Incidentally, Marcus Nispel looks like this:

…and Jason Momoa looks like this:

…so I imagine a lot of their conversations began with “Whoa, bro.”

Anyway, I know I’ve been calling him “Conan the Samoan” because it rhymes (he’s actually half Hawaiian), but the truth is, I couldn’t care less whether Conan is played by a white dude (or is played by anyone at all, for that matter).  The incredibly complex plot is that of a man who walks around the desert whacking people with his giant sword, which is clearly a Freudian stand-in for his dong (isn’t everything?).  So I guess the bigger question is: shouldn’t it be a black guy? I say yes. But what do I know? I’m just a guy who would enjoy watching a black guy whack people with his dong.

Bill the masochist found having his testicles stomped immensely arousing, but even he drew the line at watching Little Fockers.

While Kevin Smith likely spent that holidays getting kicked off of planes and drowning his sorrows in gravy, the trailer for his new film Red State hit the web. It stars Kevin Pollak and John Goodman, and the plan is to auction off the rights at Sundance next month.

Red State begins by following three horny high-school boys who come across an online ad from an older woman looking for a gang bang. Boys being boys, they hit the road to satisfy their libidinal urges. But what begins as a fantasy takes a dark turn as they come face-to-face with a terrifying “holy” force with a fatal agenda.

Sure, boys will be boys.  I’ll never forget back in high school when my friends and I traveled cross country to gangbang an old lady we found on Craigslist.  And that was the first time I met your mom.

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